MyUrbanKvetch.com

I'm pleased to announce my acquisition of MyUrbanKvetch.com, your one-stop shop for all your urbankvetching needs. Change your bookmarks, and visit often...

BOY, ARE YOU MISSING OUT...

If you haven't changed your links yet, here's what you're missing over at the new site:

What Insurance is For

Blogs Reboiled

When Bloggers Stop Being Polite...

Jake in Progress

Letter from the Material Girl

Me on the cover of TV Guide (sort of)

And the announcement of the My Urban Kvetch "Kvetch Across America" tour.

Don't miss out! Change your links, and come on over! It's much easier than having you all in my studio!

And don't forget to visit Jdaters Anonymous!

EVEN MORE NEW POSTS!!!

Over at the new site:

MARCH POSTS

• "The Bachelorette" Finale
• Madonna vs. Boy George
• Revisiting Josh Braff's Book in Light of the Shalit essay
• Poetry

FEBRUARY POSTS

• Oscar Highlights and Lowlights
• Crazy Jewish Love Spam
• Rollin' on Shabbos

As Gwen Stefani asks, What U Waitin 4?

Join me at the new site. Resistance is futile. (So change those links.)

TRANSITION...

NEW POSTS AT THE TYPEPAD SITE:

The Non-Predictions of Oscarsdamus
The First My Urban Kvetch Field Trip and Theater Outing
"It's Not You...It's Me"--My Breakup Letter to Blogger

I'm finally getting there. The posts are transferred, even with their comments. (God bless Typepad.) The transformation is near-complete.

Muahhahahahahaha!!! Signed, The Evil Almost-Genius of Kvetch

HELP NEEDED FROM TYPEPAD GURUS:
*A quick way to rename and "file" the posts that have been imported
*How to manipulate the template to add blogrolling code, statcounter code, etc
*How to post-date entries (to keep them at the top of the page)
*Any other helpful hints or supa-fly tipz that will help me rock Typepad in an easy-to-read fashion

Thanks, yo. I'll let all y'all know when I've moved fa good.

GET BRENT'S BOD

Finally, you can attain a celebrity's physique! International megastar of the BBC's hit show The Office Ricky Gervais reveals his sexy dieting secrets:

While Rene Zellweger embarked on rigorous campaign of pizza-eating and Guinness-drinking to fill Bridget Jones' rather large pants, Gervais spent ten years gobbling down cheese and imbibing beer to play David Brent in The Office.

I'll be filing this under "Reasons to Love the British."

BEER, FOAMY...GOOD

An interesting post over at JDaters Anonymous (if I do say so myself) about the merits of alcohol in social situations.





(Sorry, Ken. Lent will be over soon. Actually, I have no idea when Lent's over since they never taught us that in yeshiva. Easter? In which case it's not that soon...but I support your commitment, however long it lasts.)

PUTTING THE "DIE" BACK IN "DIET", PART DEUX: THE HUBRIS AWARD

And the Hubris Award Goes to…

Inventor Ray Kurzweil, author of Fantastic Voyage: Live Long Enough to Live Forever, who predicts a coming explosion in technology that will make infinite life spans possible.

In a recent interview, Kurzweil spoke of humanity's coming immortality as if it's as good as done. He says he sees human intelligence not only conquering its biological limits, including death, but completely mastering the natural world.

Some images that come to mind: the kids from Fame singing ("I wanna live forever...I wanna learn how to fly...HIGH!"), the Tower of Babel falling, pride goeth-ing before a fall, every flawed hero of a Shakespeare tragedy, etc…

Critics say that Kurzweil's predictions of immortality are wild fantasies based on unjustifiable leaps from current technology. Kurzweil says that his critics don't appreciate the exponential nature of technological advance.

I guess they’ll just have to agree to disagree. A quote that comes to mind:
"It's symbolic of our struggle against oppression!"
"It's symbolic of your struggle against reality..."

In his latest book, Kurzweil defines what he calls his three bridges to immortality. The "First Bridge" is a health regimen to keep people fit enough to cross the "Second Bridge," a biotechnological revolution that will block disease-causing genes and create new ones that would slow or stop the aging process. The "Third Bridge" is the nanotechnology and artificial-intelligence revolution, which Kurzweil predicts will deliver the nanobots to work in our bloodstreams and brains. These intelligent machines will destroy disease, rebuild organs and obliterate limits on human intelligence.

"Paging Neo. Neo, to the white courtesy phone."

PUTTING THE “DIE” BACK IN “DIET”

Welcome to what I suspect will be a continuing series on fad diets and the crazy people who adopt them. (Add Ryan Seacrest and it sounds like a reality show for FOX.)

One Meal A Day

Brad, Courteney, Elizabeth Hurley…these paragons of nutrition have all “benefited” from the one-meal-a-day diet. The gist of this article? The groundbreaking news that this kind of dieting is bad for you. (Duh.)

Shark Blood: Australian for Nutrition

After being adrift at sea for seven weeks and presumed lost, three fishermen were forced to drink shark blood and rain-water in order to survive. Mmm...shark blood.

The French Diet—Snack and Be Taunted a Second Time

A lot has been written recently about the fact that there are no fat French women. While I'm still not convinced this is true, here is a partial list of the reasons that French people are thinner, even if they consume a lot of fat and alcohol.
• Their portions are smaller.
• They eat only at mealtimes. (Snacking is frowned upon.)
• They eat a wider variety of food.
• They don't skip meals.

This also just in: being snooty burns 235 calories an hour.

Soda Companies—Making Diets Cool for Men

In an attempt to make dieting and diet products more "man-friendly," instead of taking the tried-and-true road of placing the product next to a hot woman in a bikini, soda companies are eschewing the word "diet" in favor of other alternatives, like Sierra Mist Free. I guess the theory is that a man would feel wimpy ordering a Diet Sierra Mist, but what man doesn't like something that's free? Personally, I think the problem here is the "Sierra Mist" part. Even I feel wussy ordering it.


Plus, just when you thought Diet Coke was the diet version of Coca-Cola Classic, the Coca-Cola Company says "nuh-uh, it's like, a totally different formula," and announced that it will soon introduce Coke Zero or possibly Coke Light, truer to Coca-Cola Classic in flavor than Diet Coke, and without all the pesky calories.

I've got one more story in the vein of health, diet and nutrition, but I'm giving it its own post. So stay tuned.

NEW MACHER IN TOWN

Claiming the title of "The Ultimate Jewish Website," and boasting the slogan of "Your Gateway to the Jewish Community," along comes Machers.

An initial review of the site leaves the impression that while it is an effective directory-style amalgam of collected information (Jewish news feeds, lists of online singles organizations, a Jewish blogroll), there's no real substantive content (either original or reprinted) to speak of. Yet. But the site looks like an ambitious beginning to what could become a major resource for both links and content.

And you heard it here first.

A RANDOM LANGUAGE THOUGHT

I’ve recently begun thinking that we should take everyday verbs and create proper-name oriented slang for them.

It’s a nod to Buffyspeak and also provides corporate naming opportunities, like those that already exist for things like arenas and potentially, subway stations.

We could call it Kvetchese (or Baby Fish Mouth, since I’m sure it will be sweeping the nation).

For instance:

On Sunday morning, I Tropicanaed and Quaker Oated. A little while later, I Niked out of my apartment, and Starbucked over to 81st Street for a meeting. Since there were no seats, I Metrocarded up to the store on 101st, where I finally managed to Sumatra Decaf my way through a grande java bev. After Carrie Bradshawing my way through my column, I returned home for some righteous Netflixing.

DYLAN MCDERMOTT CAST IN NEW SERIES

According to Mediaweek's A.J. Frutkin, Practice's McDermott to Star in CBS' 3 Lbs.

Apparently it's a show about man's search for the perfect woman with the perfect weight.

I'm kidding. (Jeeze!) It's a medical drama for CBS about a group of brain surgeons. Barry Levinson will direct the pilot.

McDermott's been a lawyer. Now, a doctor. What next, an accountant?

Maybe the brain weighs 3 pounds. But anyone who saw Jerry Maguire knows that the human head weighs eight pounds. And they say that TV can't learn ya nuthin'.

THE REAL QUESTION: WHEN ISN'T "LAW & ORDER" ON?

That question aside, if you want to watch "Law & Order" but don't know if it's on, here are a three easy ways to find out.

1) There's this thing called "TV Guide." I think it's like, a magazine or something. You buy it, you read it, and then you know stuff, like when TV shows are on.
2) Is it evening or night-time? Chances are, you're missing three episodes of "L & O" right now. Turn on your TV and find out.
3) For those who want to plan ahead, here's a guy who has a complete list of which shows are scheduled to air when. Plus, CHARTS!

And people say I watch too much TV.

"GATES" AND JUDAISM

In this article in the Forward (free registration may be required to read the story, but copious excerpts are available here), there is a discussion of the Jewish meaning that can be applied to the famous "Gates" installation in Central Park.

A few hours after the installation's inauguration, Michael Strassfeld, a rabbi whose congregation meets just a few short steps from the celebrated 16-day installation, brought together a group of some 70 of his congregants for a Sabbath-afternoon talk on the place of the gate in Jewish thought. Traditionally, explained the rabbi, the city gate is where the action is: where one goes for news, for trade. It is where justice is administered.

Whenever anyone mentions gates in the context of Jewish life, I think of several things: the synagogue I've attended for ten years (Shaarei Zedek--Gates of Righteousness), the gates of Jerusalem, and the synagogue I tell people I'm going to when I'm really just sleeping in (Shaarei Sheinah--Gates of Sleep).

The gate is no less central in the relationship between man and God. One need think only of the gates of prayer, the gates of repentance. The closing portion of the Yom Kippur liturgy, the Ne'ilah service, which centers on the closing of the heavenly gates, is regarded as the penitent's last chance at redemption. The gate is the threshold between the known and the unknown, past and future. It's a place of risk, where demons lurk; it's where one hangs the mezuzah.

This threshhold thing reminds me of an episode of Charmed, wherein a little girl was scared of doorways and windows because that's where gremlins lived. I keep waiting for Makor to offer a class in Jewish demonology, 'cause I'll be so there. Especially if we talk about Lilith as the progenitrice of BTVS's vengeance demon, Anya.

Wrappings and coverings constitute an astounding number of Judaism's ritual objects: the curtain for the Holy Ark, the prayer shawl, the wedding canopy, the kittel prayer robe — each endowing what it covers with ceremonial uniqueness. And such, some say, has been the effect of the Gates' billowing fabric on visitors in Central Park.

I'm going to go on record: I really wish the fabric were a different color. Which color would I prefer? I don't know. I'm no artist. The orange (or as the Christos like to call it, "saffron") throws me into a visual panic. It looks like there are hazard cones all around the park, outlining it as one big Law and Order crime scene, or creating the effect that Central Park is experiencing an "orange" level of terror threat.

Or maybe that's just my own internal terror alert system.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: SANDRA DEE

Sandra Dee passed away at age 62 after a long bout of kidney disease.

The sad thing is, there's a whole generation (mine) for whom Sandra Dee's name is nothing but a punchline, rhyming with "lousy with virginity." Oh come on--you know the minute you heard about Dee's passing, you were picturing Stockard Channing with that blonde wig on, making fun of Sandy who's in the bathroom passing out after smoking and having her ears pierced at the slumber party with the Pink Ladies. In fact, I'd wager that when we first memorized the song (from "Grease," if you're completely clueless), we had no idea that there was an actual person named Sandra Dee. We probably thought Sandy's last name was Dee. (It's actually Oleson.)

If we've ever even heard of Gidget, we think Sally Field. And thanks to Kevin Spacey's Beyond the Sea, we now have an image of Dee as played by Kate Bosworth.

She deserves a better legacy. I'm gonna add some of her movies to my Netflix list. Suggestions welcome.

TWO BRADS, NO WAITING

Now there's more than enough Brad to go around. One for Jennifer, and one for Angelina.

Brad Pitt's set to star in a movie called Chad Schmitt: the plot centers on a struggling 1980s actor who wants to be a celebrity, and realizes he is identical to Brad Pitt. (I wonder who plays Brad's dad? Chad's dad? Egad! I think we've all been had!)

I guess it's like Dave, but with twice the Brad and no future of the free world at stake. Which I guess makes it not like Dave at all.

It may be a little more like Sliding Doors, actually, with dueling Gwynnies. I wonder what would happen if the two Gwynnies from Sliding Doors met up with the two Brads from Chad Schmitt. I think that would yield a Celebrity Deathmatch worth the pay-per-view charge.

MADONNA "PROMOTED" ON POTENTIAL ROAD TO RABBINATE

Welcome back to everyone's favorite place-to-visit-but-you-wouldn't-want-to-live-there, the Hall of Celebrity Weirdness.

Today’s exhibit focuses on the latest achievement by the woman who exhorted her papa not to preach and encouraged women everywhere to express themselves as they, on holiday, celebration come together from every nation.

According to source contactmusic.com, Madonna has been promoted to the highest pre-ordination level possible within what the article calls the “Church of Kabbalah.” That’s right.

Just to recap, we have now learned the following…

1) Kabbalah is a church.
2) One can be promoted in Kabbalah. It is unclear if one can be left back. Also unclear is if promotion comes with full medical and dental. Optical, of course, is not included.
3) If Madonna learns one more thing, she’s going to have to release a song called “Like a Rabbi.” (“paskening* for the very first time…like a ra-a-a-aabbi, cause your shul’s not as frum** as mine…”)

Please feel free to suggest additional titles, topics and lyrics for Rabbi Madge’s future songs. Songs may be new (e.g., “Call Me Rabbi, But I’m Still a Woman” –a duet with Britney Spears) or reissues of previous Madonna hits (e.g., “Who’s That Maidel?”).


*Paskening means "making halakhic (Jewish law-related) decisions."
**Frum means "religiously observant."

MY URBAN KVETCH DOES TYPEPAD: BETA SITE UP

I know. I'm pretending to be a web geek. This may not technically be a beta site. But it is where my blog will be once I negotiate the dang "import your posts from Blogger" feature. Until then, I will continue to post mostly here. Once the move is final, I'll post an official announcement here so you can update your links.

In the interim, consider this a sneak preview of the new look of My Urban Kvetch. Which, admittedly, looks a lot like the old My Urban Kvetch. But that's just to help you transition, gentle reader.

Also available on this site, new posts on the Breakfast Club, my media blitz, and more. The blogroll is in process, so don't panic if you're not there. As if.

Check me out: My Urban Kvetch 2005

Feedback welcome!

CONSTANTINE

Let it not be said that bloggers get no perks. Tonight, I attended a preview screening of CONSTANTINE, which turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

I have to get the worst part over with first. Some people are simply insufferable, and their every move as grating as nails on a chalkboard: talking and chomping their way through the whole movie...two young women next to me went through the following snacks during the movie--nacho chips, hot pretzel bites, popcorn, gummi bears, Twizzlers, some sort of chocolate malted thing and two large cokes. I had a Luna bar. (Clearly, I do not know how to have fun at a movie.) These two women continued to comment on the most obvious moments of the movie ("ooh, he's got a gun"; "he's a demon!"etc). After shushing them once, I was on the receiving end of a look of death, and I decided to choose life and not shush them again.

I have to admit, I was expecting Van Helsing--a cheesy CGI-fest in which a hunky star battles the forces of darkness. But I actually liked this new movie starring Keanu Reeves (even though is now and forever our Ted "Theodore"Logan). Maybe it was my steady diet of Angel and Buffy over the last fewyears that did it, but I kept seeing elements that I liked in the whole that was Constantine.

Take Neo, first and foremost, because it is the role of Reeves' career, and because The Matrix and "bullet time" will probably inform any sci-fi work from here on in. Add an Indiana Jones good vs. evil archaeological artifact-centered back story, Dogma-brand explanations of thebalance of the universe, and ice this cake with with Buffy-style banter and deadpan delivery. Then, lacquer the movie in James Bond polish. Sure, some of the demons look familiar after this much sci-fi, but that's par for the course. (I would be really interested in hearing the opinion of someone who saw the movie and is also a fan of the original comic book; I thought HELLBOY was pretty good, but I seem to recall the fanboys not being so happy with the result.)

Sure, the CGI is there, but there's (surprise!) an actual story! And it also has (shock and awe!) good performances from Tilda Swinton, Djimon Honsou andGavin Rossdale (that's right, both members of the Rossdale/Stefani household are double billing it this year--I guess the rock-and-roll lifestyle's more expensive than they thought if each of them needs to take a second job ). I did not even recognize Shia LeBeouf (who once joked that in Yiddish and French, his name means "save the beef"), buthe provided excellent comic relief and genuinely entertaining moments as Short Round to Keanu's Dr. Jones. Rachel Weisz, while key to the plot and far from the standard hapless female foil, wasn't all that in this movie. Not because she's not a good actress, but because she's like four good actresses. Rachel shares a face with: Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, and when the light hits her right, Winona Ryder. Same face, different actresses. Just like Portia and Drea.

During the waning moments of the movie, I started to think about life, afterlife, and the concepts of heaven and hell in the Jewish tradition. And then, I focused on Keanu's abs. Because this movie was not a philosophical polemic...or WAS IT? When I arrived home, there was an email in my inbox inviting me to download the CONSTANTINE Bible study guide, to help me (as a "savvy ministry leader") "harness the interest in spiritual things that the Warner Brothers film will create." The email predicted: "Everyone, and I mean everyone, will be talking about salvation, sin, forgiveness, and spiritual welfare, all because of Constantine." (So, you heard it here first, Christian ministry leaders who read my blog looking for discussion topics...)

In summary, CONSTANTINE won't win any awards, but my opinion is that it has enough of all the things that we look for in a movie. It's a diversion. There's humor, which is always welcome for the world-weary, and some superficial discussion of what God's expectations are of the human race, itself a topic for constant discussion and speculation, but ultimately with no ratifiable resolution. Some people voiced their confusion loudly upon leaving the theater, but I didn't overthink it. CONSTANTINE surpassed my expectations. And that's all's I got to say about that.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES...

As I previously said, I'm having some problems switching over to Typepad, so you may encounter posting problems when you try to comment. So far, seems like the comments are being recorded by the system (and I get them emailed to me), but are not always posted immediately. Your patience is appreciated...

COMEDY DOMINATION: THE NEW PLAN

Since the Daily Show does NOT seem about to hire me as an entertainment consultant (I guess there's no comeback in the cards for "We Heart Showbiz") and since I am therefore NOT poised for discovery by Comedy Central (my favorite network since 1993), I've had to do some contingency planning.

From MediaWeek:
Comedy Central reached a deal to finance Jon Stewart’s production company, Busboy Productions, that guarantees the network a first-look at all television projects that are developed by the shop.

So, here's the new plan:

1) Create television project.
2) Find corporate offices of Busboy Productions.
3) Camp out there until the next Star Wars movie opens.
4) Go back and revise step 3.
5) Skip steps 4 and 5 entirely and proceed directly to step 6.
6) Procure appointment with Busboy development executive.
7) Wow him with original concepts, DVD of my Rosh Hashanah appearance on Good Day NY, and old grainy videotape of an improv show I did four years ago.
8) Fall in love with development executive (did I mention he's single and Jewish?)
9) Announce engagement the same day that development deal is made public, and field deals for a reality show following two comedy professionals from engagement to chuppah.
10) Co-executive produce show with brother Simmy and with Stewart, who is so impressed with my perspective and ability to break kosher Triaminic-related stories more than two weeks before Stephen Colbert that he drafts me for occasional segments on Jews in Hollywood.

And end scene.

[APPLAUSE]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BREAKFAST CLUB

The year was 1985. I was in high school. So were Bender, Allison, Claire, Andrew ("Sporto") and Brian.

20 years later, they are still in high school, dancing in the library, eating Captain Crunch and Pixie Stix sandwiches and throwing cold cuts at statues.

But after two decades, you learn things about your Shermer High School friends that maybe you didn't know: For instance, Bender (Judd Nelson) could have been played by John Cusack or Nicolas Cage. Might Molly have made a better basket case than Ally did? It was a thought that the producers had at some point over the casting process.

For more, see this article. It contains several top five lists of things you didn't know about the Breakfast Club, including the tantalizing tidbit that writer/director John Hughes has an hour of additional footage that didn't make the studio's final cut. Petitionsonline, anyone?

IDEA: Ally Sheedy and Molly Ringwald are both now living in New York. Write and launch a play reviving the two female characters--called "Because You're Letting Me"--that goes inside the bathroom where Claire gives Allison a makeover 20 years ago. The acting challenge: have Ally play Claire, and Molly play Allison. Their conversation runs to boys, social structure, and "carrying this much shit in your bag."

"THE SKINNY ON USING THE F-WORD"

My new column in the Jewish Week, "The Skinny on Using the F-Word," is now available online. Enjoy!

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO...HMMMM....

February 20 is the 64th birthday of singer-songwriter Buffy Sainte-Marie. However, it is also the 51st birthday of actor Anthony Stewart Head, who portrayed Watcher/crooner Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Coincidence?

CHANGE IS HARD

Change is hard. Everyone says so. And after spending hours trying to transfer my posts from Blogger to Typepad, I'm inclined to agree.

So yes, my threat to move away from Blogger is not quite an empty one, nor has it totally come to fruition. I do hope that this will all be resolved shortly, and I will then be welcoming you to the new and improved My Urban Kvetch--a new Kvetch for a new year. (Yes, this was supposed to be done in January.)

Hopefully, my fairy blogmother can help me out. Stay tuned for more of the same kvetch times at this same kvetch channel.

CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Hello, boys and girls. And welcome to the hall of celebrity spiritual weirdness.

Kabbalah : Madonna :: Scientology : ________________

Here's another clue:

Agent Mulder: Uncovering alien conspiracy at FBI:: _____________: Uncovering alien conspiracy in the entertainment industry

Still nothing? OK, one more.

Adam: tilling the soil of the Garden of Eden:: ____________:ridding Planet Earth of nuclear Scientology-blocking aliens

Give up? Today's Scientology-crazed celeb is former "Dharma and Greg" costar Jenna Elfman.

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

OK, I know. L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics. Life-changing spiritual approach embraced by Tom Cruise. Yada, yada, yada. I had no idea that nuclear aliens were involved. Maybe some of my readers want to weigh in on the positive aspects of Scientology, so I'm not being totally unfair? Please do. In the interim, let's read on:

She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Is the entertainment industry really "home to rabid suppression"? Or does she mean...something else???*

An unconfirmed source from inside my head has supplied credible evidence to support the fact that Madonna is assembling a team of top Kabbalists who will kidnap Elfman, bring her to the Kabbalah Centre and wrap her in red string until she requests a bottle of Kabbalah water.

(Mental note: Do not accept offers of Kool-Aid from Jenna Elfman, even if it is made with Kabbalah water.)

*I'm not saying that she's an anti-Semite. I'm just saying that if you replace the word suppression with the word Jews, it's a whole different story. Not that I'm paranoid. Because there's no truth to the stereotype about the Jews running the media. Otherwise, I'd have my own show. I'm just sayin'.

TONIGHT: "SCRUBS" HAS A LAUGH TRACK

Clay Aiken! Low-cut scrubs! Colin Hay, from Men at Work!!

Tonight's Scrubsapalooza features a complete departure from their usual, low-key, non-laugh tracky goodness in favor of a foray into the traditional conventions of the multi-camera sitcom:

Via Zap2It:

"All the patients in the beds will be models and very handsome, very attractive," [Scrubs creator Bill]Lawrence says a few days prior to the shoot, which harkens back to his time working on shows like "Spin City" and "Friends." "All the female doctors will, for some reason, be wearing low-cut scrubs. Everything that a sitcom might do."

The sitcom premise is an extended fantasy sequence by J.D. (Braff), who's treating a man who once wrote for "Cheers" (Ken Lerner, himself a sitcom vet). Lawrence also wants the episode to be a thank-you to the show's audience by inviting some of them to watch the show being made -- something that doesn't happen during a normal week, when "Scrubs" is shooting at an abandoned hospital in North Hollywood.

"What we're trying to do in the middle of it, even though we're doing sitcommy stories and sitcommy things, is ultimately have a great experience for the fans," he says. "Which means we're still writing funny jokes. So I hope people will like it on two levels -- hopefully they'll watch it and laugh because we took time to write really funny stuff, and on some level be enjoying the fact that we're tweaking the format a little bit."

OK, Bill. You don't have to twist my arm. I'll be watching. And I know several other interested parties who will likely tune in for this stunt.

But I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a citation for excessive use of the non-word "sitcommy."

"YOUR EPIDERMIS IS SHOWING"

And the winner, for best karaoke song rendered while naked and behind a screen, goes to Ray and Marie LeBrun, for their rendition of Bob Seger's "Fire Down Below."

Why'd they win? For their pioneering spirit. For their bravery. For their willingness to go all the way.

And because they were the only ones.

Earlier in the evening, the assembled crowds weren't sure that anyone at all would dare to bare both souls and bodies through song:

There better be nude singing," said Rick Smolicz, a New Britain resident who arrived at 5 p.m. to get a seat. "I spent $60 on liquor so far, and if there is no one singing naked, I'm going to be talking to someone about this bill."

As word spread among those who waited for the show to begin that any naked singing would be done behind a privacy screen, most agreed that the event was still "worth it.""I mean, do you see anyone in here you would really want to see naked and singing?" Chuck Beers said as he surveyed the room. "The curtain will probably be a blessing."

Beers is absolutely right. I've been to karaoke on the Upper East Side, and even that crowd isn't buffworthy. (Speaking of Buff, as Buffy might have said: "Beers...foamy, good.")

Another note? "Chuck Beers" is an imperative sentence.

"Oh, it was fun," said Marie LeBrun, who added that neither she nor her husband planned to tell their three children about the performance.

I would say their secret's out now. If asked to explain their behavior to their three children, I would advise the LeBruns to go with: "We were totally drunk, and did something that we regret--see? Alcohol is BAD."

JEWLICIOUS, THE BLOG: THE TRIP

“You’ve got your blog in my Israel trip!”

“No, you’ve got your Israel trip in my blog!”

“Wait a minute…it’s a blog that becomes an Israel trip! Mmm, this trip is Jewlicious!”

Not since chocolate met peanut butter has a pairing been so natural. Jewlicious—which is Algonquin for “Bloggers Who Win in Two Categories”—is now putting its Zionism where its feet are. In what is certainly the first instance of blog-morphing-into-Israel-trip that I’m aware of, Jewlicious and birthright Israel are partnering for a new approach to traveling the Holy Land.

The deal: birthright is for Jews ages 18-26 (why only till age 26? I think because it’s “bar mitzvah times two”) who have never been to Israel on a peer trip before. And the trip is free. Registration starts March 3.

If you are Jewish, in the target age range and have never been to Israel, I can’t think of a better way to recommend you see the Holy Land. Laya and CK, two of Jewlicious’s bloggers, are also experienced birthright madrikhim (counselors), and are certain to bring their irreverent edge to this program of intense Israel appreciation.

This trip is so going to rock. I can’t wait to see Jewlicious: The Trip—The Blog. (That is the blog of the Israel trip that's being led by the blog.) And then, the inevitable: Jewlicious: The Trip--The Blog: The Musical.

JIB AWARDS: UNRATIFIED RESULTS ARE IN

Well, it's been a long month or so, as Jewish and Israeli blogs battled it out, some through amity and others through enmity, in competition for the JIB Awards. Polling is now closed, and the unratified results can be viewed here. But to sum up, for a new blog that isn't overwhelmed by traffic on any given day, we did very well here at My Urban Kvetch. And FOEs (Friends of Esther) did pretty well too.

In Best New Blog, we placed third, behind #1 FOE Jewlicious and Treppenwitz, who I'll have to check out now.

In Best Culture Blog, MUK was fourth and JDatersAnonymous came in eighth. The winners were Jewlicious, Sha and Jewschool (one of the first blogs I started reading a year ago).

In Best Personal Blog, AriGoesDown blew the competition out of the water with help from her minions. But that's okay. Ari was the first person to invite me to cross over from the virtual "I read your blog" world into the actual "we're having a book club, why don't you come and meet other bloggers" world. #2 was Treppenwitz again, then FOE Chayyei Sarah (who was robbed in Best Series--her Shabbat posts were amazing, even if the Jewish blogosphere didn't recognize them...read them all here). Other FOEs in this category were writersbloc and Superjux, so I'm giving them an honorable mention.

And in the most hotly contested category, Best Humor Blog, My Urban Kvetch was a solid second. But with an even solider #1 was Protein Wisdom. #3 was a vocal and determined DovBear. You remember...DovBear accused me of being the Bride of Satan. Whereas we all know full well that if I had been the bride of anything, my parents would have pictures of it. But it's all good. We're all friends. And we can all move on.

A congrats to Lisa On the Face, who took Best Life in Israel blog. (Check out her series on how she got to Israel.)

And since there were many great blogs who didn't place in the top three in categories where I thought they would, I'm including my own list of honorable mentions. They are classy, entertaining, humorous blogs deserving of a click and a blogroll:

An Unsealed Room
Bloghead
Chez Miscarriage
Seraphic Secret
Renegade Rebbetzin
Jack's Shack
Passionate Life

The point of the JIB Awards was not simply to win. (Although it would have been nice.) Dave at IsraellyCool, who organized the awards, always had in mind that the Awards would help us to become aware of other Jewish- and Israel-related blogs, in the hope of bringing we who wander the blogosphere a little closer to a virtual Promised Land. So check them out, and if you like them, stay a while. Leave comments. Become part of the community.

This community has been wonderful to me, and I'm gratified that you keep coming back. Thank you!

A VERY BRADY NIP/TUCK

There's nothing like keeping romance all in the family.

There's not a soul my age who's unaware of the famous "Barry Williams/Florence Henderson" date that shook the very foundations of the Bradyverse (until, as Ethan Hawke's character pointed out in "Reality Bites," Mr. Brady died of AIDS).

And now FX's Nip/Tuck is having its own "very Brady moment."

Joely Richardson and John Hensley, co-stars of the plastic surgery dramedy Nip/Tuck, are dating. (They've apparently been linked since October, and no one breathed a word to me.)

On the show, Hensley plays an 18-year-old (whose most recent involvement was with trans-sexual life coach played by Famke Janssen). But he's really 27. And Richardson, who plays his mother, is 39.

Maybe one of the actors out there can explain to me how two actors can fall in love and have a passionate personal romantic relationship, and then return to set and act like mother and son. I know, I know. It's called acting. Is it ok that that's not a sufficient explanation for me? What if they decide to get married? Isn't that weird for the chemistry of the show?

One thing I will say. I love this show, and not just because everyone in the cast is so damn hot. I think we get new episodes in June.

"Excuse me, Dr. Television? The patient is all prepped and ready for her brain surgery. Your scalpel, sir."

GANDOLFINI'S WEAPON OF CHOICE: CARBS

For those of you who always knew James Gandolfini--and carbohydrates--were dangerous...

Apparently, the Sopranos pater familias decided that several of his fellow castmates deserved to get whacked. By bread and light snacks.

I say if the mob's gonna rub you out, best to die by carbs.

THEORETICALLY

You know that kid on the playground? The one who called you a stupid-head, or a kaka-brain, or who was more than gleeful to be able to tell you that you had more than a few cooties? His persistence was obnoxious, even if his comments held no truths or resonance. He was more annoying than harmful, even to the fragilest egos. He was the one who would pull your pigtails, then run away before you could find a teacher. When you were growing up, adult figures told you not to play with kids like him--if you ignore him, he'll go away. But the truth is, he never goes away, and never really changes.

From those early interchanges on the playground, it's not immediately clear how he'll evolve into an adult. He might become a lawyer, or a doctor, or an actor: a profession in which he's paid to talk and people pay to listen. The only thing you know for sure is that after the recess of your education is over, he vanishes. And you're glad.

You grow up, get a job, a life, etc. So does he. Theoretically. He grows physically, often intellectually, even reaching a place where he can use language fairly effectively. He might become a writer of sorts, immerse himself in himself (as he always liked to do), and emerge on the other side of the struggle as a scraggly, cantankerous, provocative version of his younger, pigtail-pulling self.

He has learned from his time on the playground that if you hate someone, you don't have to have logic on your team; you just need to assert yourself, louder than anyone else. He has learned that the pen is mightier than the sword, and that he can pull your emotional pigtails much more effectively if he can infect others with his opinion, and effect a manner of wounding even wider than usual.

Say there's a former playground-dweller who has refused to take a recess from his desire to make other people feel uncomfortable and unworthy. Say he finds himself on a different kind of asphalt, but with the adult-size representations of the kids he liked to make uncomfortable when he was a kid...

Say it's because of his own feelings of displacement that he's internalized the lesson that making other people feel bad about themselves, their professional ability and their worthiness generates an intoxicating power. Say he's masquerading as a paragon of religious virtue, but his actions convey a certain sense of Satanic soullessness.

Say you become aware of such a man-child, so consumed with himself-as-empty-calories that he feels the need to take cheap shots at others without cause. And say he's selected you as his target. In loco parentis, on a protoplasmic level, your cells are screaming, "ignore him, and he'll go away." But you can't, because you are wounded, however mildly and illogically, by this person who doesn't even know enough of you or your work to make the statements he makes. You know it's wrong to engage him. "It's what he wants," your inner voice warns.

So you don't engage him directly. You do what you can with the tools available. And you hope that he doesn't notice that he's gotten to you, because you want to be so much better than that. But you can't help your humanity. And that's where you differ.

Say there's someone out there (and there is someone out there) who always seems to hate what you've written. He spews negativity about you and your work. And yet, he keeps reading you.

You might wonder what his motivation is.

I'm just saying.

SHOW ME YOUR, AHEM, TALENT

At last--karaoke singers can bare their souls without the pesky restrictions of clothing.

BERLIN, Conn. Feb 9, 2005 — After a yearlong fight with the town, a bar is going ahead with a plan to have patrons belt out ballads in the buff. On Saturday night, the Berlin Station Cafe is scheduled to hold its controversial "Naked Karaoke" event.

Which begs the question...which songs are the best ones to be rendered au naturel?

My list:

1) See Me, Hear Me, Touch Me, Feel Me--because it's always helpful for nude singers to issue instructions to their audiences.
2) Paradise by the Dashboard Light--because a classic duet about teenage sex (which contains baseball commentary) becomes so much more seminal when the singers are nekkid.
3) The Stroke--because Billy Squier's ode is that much more poignant when accompanied by a visual.
4) Do You Love Me?--oops, no need to ask: I can see for myself.
5) Dress You Up (in My Love)--this Madonnesther song has love-as-clothing imagery, as well as multiple warblings of "from your head down to your toes" that potentially leads to suggestive choreography.
6) Rumpshaker/Baby Got Back/Bootylicious/The Humpty Dance--no explanations necessary.

More songs to be added to the list as I consider this today, and as my readers write in with their own...

JIB FINALS UPDATE: LET'S JUST SAY I'M NOT WINNING...

I hate to say it, but I'm losing this competition.

Who knew the race for JIB greatness would create carnage the likes of which have been unseen since Middle Earth's Battle of Helm's Deep...

Sarah says that a vote for her is a vote for world peace.

DovBear, beginning to understand that he's not going to win (perhaps as punishment for inferring that I'm maritally involved with Satan), has conceded.

Jack (not my brother) has launched his master plan to sweep the 2014 JIB Awards. I say, good for him, but mostly because I hope that by 2014 I'll be too busy with my family and book tours to worry about where I rank with the blogosphere.

Although I'm still second in the Best Humor Blog race, it seems that no one can stand opposite Protein Wisdom, a monster blog I never heard of which apparently has some major pull with the blog-and-vote generation. Unless I get about 230 votes before Sunday, I'm not winning either.

(If I were a German movie, I'd be "Run Esther Run".)

Maybe I should have run a better campaign; hired Harvey Weinstein to promote the bejeezus out of my product. Too late now. I'm not conceding yet. Because I'm still hoping for a miracle.

As my Biblical namesake might have said, who knows if for this reason I have ascended to this place? I shall do what I need to do, and if I have lost, I have lost. If you haven't voted, and would like to, you can cast your votes here.

As a reminder, here are the categories in which I'm nominated:

Best New Blog 2004--My Urban Kvetch
Best Humor Blog--My Urban Kvetch
Best Personal Blog--My Urban Kvetch
Best Jewish Culture Blog--My Urban Kvetch or Jdaters Anonymous

Since Hilary Swank and Jamie Foxx don't seem to be nominated in this competition, I might just have a decent shot.

This finalist isn't demanding anyone's vote; there are many worthy nominees. However, should you wish to consider me in these categories, I would be most appreciative of the support. I would be especially grateful if you should see fit to vote for me as best humor blog--laughter is core to my being, and if I've made you laugh, it's the greatest reward I could ask for.

Voting is now open at IsraellyCool and runs through next Sunday. Each person is allowed to vote once. (Cheaters will have their votes removed like they did in the preliminary round, so don't do me any lyin' cheatin' favors by inflating the totals...)

Clicking here will take you to the voting page! And thanks to all of you for helping me get this far...

SINGLE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

Yup. Me too. But as this article at GenerationJ.com tells you, this holiday isn't about bemoaning your singlehood, it's about celebrating yourself. Or at least trying to.

The Single's Guide to a Heart-Smart Valentine's Day
GenerationJ.com
(February 2005)

INDIANA JEWS AND THE TEMPLE MOUNT DIRT

Grab your brown fedoras, your whips and your Zionism--the three must-have fashion items of the new century for all budding Jewish archaeologists--and head East. Due East. To Jerusalem...

Via a Yahoo! Group I belong to…:

As many of you may know, the Waqf Temple Mount Authority has been taking dirt from under Har HaBayit (The Temple Mount) for some years and dumping in the Kidron Valley in order to remove any historical/archaelogical proof of Jewish presence there. There is now a dig underway, run by PhD students at Bar Ilan University, that has recovered the dirt, brought it to Mt. Scopus and is sifting through it to catalog its contents. They are always in need of volunteers to help sift and clean the artifacts- it's a fantastic opportunity and a great way to experience history. If you'll be in Jerusalem, call this number: 011-972-52-470-5755.

Dirt can really travel in the Holy Land. From one mountain (the Temple Mount) to the valley, and now back up on a different Mount (Scopus). If anyone reads this and heads off to become trained as a Lord of the Sift, you are cordially invited to submit a summary of your experiences for posting on this blog.

SUCKS TO BE JEW: CIRCUMCISION ABSTRACT

Since everyone’s been captivated by the Tale of the Mohel and the Herpes (a messed-up fairy tale title if e’er there was one), when I found this medical abstract about oral suction used as a medical technique in ritual circumcision, I thought I’d post it here for your edification.

The abstract, which lists among its contributors YU’s Moshe Tendler and Hadassah Hospital’s Dan Engelhard, is courtesy of House of Hock:

For the abstract-reading-impaired-or-averse, here’s the bottom line (emphasis is mine):

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

Unafraid of a little education? Check out these additional background paragraphs. (You can absolutely read the whole thing, complete with footnotes and sources, if you want, but I'm warning you: there are photographs.)

According to Biblical law, a male infant should be circumcised at the age of 8 days as a sign of the eternal covenant between God and the Jewish people (Genesis 17:10–14; Leviticus 12:3). According to classical rabbinical interpretation, performance of this religious ritual offers medical advantages, a view upheld by many modern medical authorities, as noted earlier. The Babylonian Talmud (Sabbath 133b), the main rabbinical literature completed in the fifth century of the common era, states that for the sake of the infant, the mohel is obliged to perform the metzitzah" so as not to bring on risk." The nature of the risk was not specified. It specifically states that "this procedure is performed for the sake of the infant's safety and if a mohel does not perform the suction [of the wound], this is deemed dangerous and he is to be dismissed." To prevent medical complications, the Talmud permits only an experienced and responsible mohel to perform the ritual circumcision. The Talmud (Tossefta Shabbath 15:8) was aware of potential medical problems that could arise from ritual circumcision and in fact provided the first description of hemophilia in the history of medicine, manifested as a familial bleeding disorder that required circumcision to be postponed.

In the 19th century, Ignaz Philipp Semmelweis (1818–1865) established the principles of hygiene and disease transmission, after neonatal tuberculosis was documented after circumcision by an infected mohel. Since then, most rabbinical authorities modified their approach in response to these findings. Because the Talmudic injunction to perform metzitzah did not explicitly stipulate oral suction, >160 years ago, Rabbi Moses Schreiber (Pressburg, 1762–1839), a leading rabbinical authority, ruled that metzitzah could be conducted by instrumental suction, a ruling quickly adopted by most rabbinical authorities.

Consequently, the great majority of ritual circumcisions are performed today with a sterile device and not by oral suction by the mohel. However, some orthodox rabbis have felt threatened by criticism of the old religious customs and strongly resist any change in the traditional custom of oral metzitzah. The cultural process of replacing ancient customs by modern wound care has to be encouraged by a heightened awareness of this potentially life-threatening medical complication.

On the basis of our observations, the medicolegal impact of neonatal infection by the mohel has to be redefined. Our findings provide evidence that ritual Jewish circumcision with oral metzitzah may cause oral–genital transmission of HSV infection, resulting in clinical disease including involvement of the skin, mucous membranes, and HSV encephalitis. Furthermore, oral suction may not only endanger the child but also may expose the mohel to human immunodeficiency virus or hepatitis B from infected infants. The same consideration that led the Talmudic sages once to establish the custom of the metzitzah for the sake of the infant could now be applied to persuade the mohel to use instrumental suction.

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

RESISTANCE TO SJP IS FUTILE

So, last year, as we may recall, I interviewed Average Joe's Adam Mesh over lunch with his parents, and his mother made some very interesting comments about me.

And now, according to my answers on the Bravo Inside the Actor's Studio profile test, my closest match is:

Sarah Jessica Parker.

Clearly resistance is futile. So I'm calling it: I'm officially lookin' for an Aidan/Berger hybrid, with a little David Duchovny insanity thrown in.

No Mr. Bigs needed. We know how I feel about that.

Hat tip to Lyss.

"CAGE"-MATCH

Dear Nicolas Cage,

I was perusing my morning copy of New Kerala when I saw the news item about your enjoyment for karaoke. Apparently, one night of karaoke carousing led you to lose your voice on the set of National Treasure and you had to dub your lines in later...

Well, I challenge you to a karaoke duel...The Urban Kvetch vs. you, Indiana Clones.

Each of us picks a classic song and renders it Sex Pistols-style. She (or he) who rocks the loudest, wins. You may have the Coppola family in your court, but I've got the yeshiva education that breeds punk rebellion. I've rendered everyone from Guns and Roses to the Mamas and the Papas. Forget your playing twins in Adaptation. "Sweet Child O'Mine" to "Dream a Little Dream"? Now that's range, baby.

The stakes? A role in your next movie. Of course, you already have a role in your next movie, so why don't you just give me the prize now, and we can call it even. No need for you to be "beaten by a girl." Save yourself the embarrassment. In fact, since I'm unagented, have your agent call me with an offer of representation AND a script, and you can get credit for "discovering" me. Everybody wins.

As Gwen Stefani recently asked me, "Whatchu Waitin' 4"?

Most sincerely yours,

Esther

Kvetcher of Urbs /Queen of Karaoke

DATE-A-KATE

Getchyour Kate Dates, right here!

Kate #1, currently up for dates, was THE reason that supermodels (and real people) didn't eat in the 1980s. The former face of Calvin Klein is now single, and the up side, is that while dinner dates would have to take place at chic restaurants, the waif's part of the food bill is likely to be small.

Kate #2, recently separated from elf-to-end-all-elves Orlando Bloom, recently starred with Kevin Spacey in "Beyond the Sea" and first surfed a wave of popularity after appearing in "Blue Crush," which had so many women in bikinis that no one noticed that she has two different-colored eyes.

FOR HARDCORE BUFFY FANS ONLY 3

Thanks to Dawn Summers, the Key, for this alternate script for the Buffy finale. I have to say that I cried at the end.

Also, she raises the question of how you would rank the seasons of BTVS, with your highest-rated season first.

I couldn't actually rank them. But here are my expanded comments on trying:

1&2: Can't really rank them. 1 was so new. And 2 was so...two. I did enjoy the whole Spike/Angel thing. But Kendra irritated me, and although Juliet Landau did a perfect and memorable version of a former novitiate gone mental and vampiric, I never enjoyed the insane antics of Dru.

3: Loved the Mayor. And Snyder. And Faith. And that prom episode that always makes me cry. ("Class Protector." Buffy and Angel dance in formalwear. Giles says Wes has the emotional depth of a blueberry scone.) And the senior class empowerment (Cordy stakes a vamp!). Awesome all around. And I loved the Mayor.

4: Yay, Harmony's a vamp! I hated Adam as a villain. He eviscerated a little boy. That's just wrong. And Prof. Walsh? A-nnoy-ing. Hush was genius. Loved Buff's hand-motion. Oh you know what I mean. Heartbreaking Oz departure. (Although Veruca--bad.) Watch as Anya's hair changes lengths and colors, as if it has a will of its own! And Spike's impotence storyline--great. Buffy's possessed eyes in the finale are a little creepy. But I suppose that's the point. Great that Willow, Xander and Giles could do a mind-meld with her just in time to save the day.

5: "Glory is Ben! And Ben is Glory!" "Did anyone ever notice that Glory and Ben are never around together?" I love that Spike sees it and no one else does. Awesome finale. ("This is our blood. Summers blood.")

As for 6, I cannot believe that no one mentioned the hilarious nerd antics of the Trio ("we are your arch nemesisesese...") or the genius of OMWF. That musical ep rocked my face off. But we all knew that already!

7's where I'm really not sure. I'm gonna have to view them again and let you know. But Season 5 and Firefly are in the Netflix queue ahead of Season 7, so the jury's out for a while.

Any Buffy moments you'd like to share?

(And yes, I'm aware that some people think Angel's a better show, and I'm not going to argue. I like 'em both. Let's move on.)

MIRVIS RESPONDS TO SHALIT

I'm definitely starting her book today. But in the interim, here's Tova Mirvis's response to last week's Wendy Shalit piece.

Obviously, I agree with Mirvis over Shalit. Among other salient points, Mirvis states:

Literature in service of some other value is not literature, or at least not good literature. When we require our novels to promote, idealize and proselytize, we strip them of their capacity to explore, express, examine and, most importantly, imagine other lives besides those we actually live. The act of reading lets all of us be inside and outside at the same time.

From Judging a Book By Its Head Covering
(The Forward) February 4, 2005

Thanks to Miriam for the link. And if you wanted to read my response to this article, here's a handy-dandy, chronological catalog of my posts about the role of religion in writing and in my life:

Introduction/Recap
Author's Note
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

WWJB? (WHAT WOULD JEEVES BLOG?)

Ask Jeeves just bought Bloglines. Just thought y'all would want to know. They have a new Ask Jeeves blog, which one hopes will become slightly more interesting than it currently is...

Via Napsterization.

PS: C loves Bloglines, and she introduced me to it too. Bloglines and I have been very happy together. But I doubt we're spending Valentine's Day together. That's okay, though. Stay tuned for the link to my new GenerationJ.com article about this weekend's purported holiday of romance.

RED (string) BULL, or DRINK'D

Ashton Kutcher in talks to hawk Kabbalah energy drink?

“We’re going after the Red Bull market,” spokesman Darin Ezra told The Scoop. “But Kabbalah Energy Drink tastes better. And it’s infused with Kabbalah water, which is holy water.” So does it have mystical healing powers, like Kabbalah water is supposed to? “I’m not going to comment on that,” said Ezra.

He says that Kutcher, Madonna, and Demi Moore are currently trying out the Kabbalah energy drink, and may agree to be its spokesman. The product has been launched in a very limited market in Southern California, and will go wider shortly, with a major media campaign of radio, print and television and the tag line: “Source of Power.” Does this foreshadow a whole line of Kabbalah products? Say Kabbalah breakfast cereal and breath mints? “If it’s successful,” the spokesman says, “There will be more Kabbalah products.”

Personally, I'm waiting for the Diet version...

If Kabbalah water is holy water, does it also kill vampires?

But this got me thinking...what would be the weirdest Kabbalah product? You could pair the word Kabbalah with almost any product and charge double. But the idea is to come up with the most bizarre item.

Anyone?

I'm going to go with these hot merchandising ideas:

1) Kabbalah Tofurkey
2) Kabbalah Disposable "Soul" Inserts (for shoes)
3) Kabbalah Contact Lens "Soul-ution" (made with Kabbalah water, of course)
4) The Kabbalah Superbowl Halftime Show

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 4

"Write What You Know": The Role of Jewish Education

Growing up, I received a modern, co-ed, Orthodox day school education and lived in a community where traditional observance was easy. My friends and their parents belonged to the same synagogues that my parents and I belonged to.

On paper, we all received the same education. But my high school did not churn out mindless clones. We all became individuals, with our own opinions and our own interpretations of what we learned. Today, some of them are not observant at all. Many are still Orthodox, and some have become even more religious than we ever imagined.

But many others live in the same kind of denominational limbo where I am: unwilling to give up on an observant lifestyle (and unwilling to accept a future where such a lifestyle is ruled out), but with a lot of intellectual dissonance. I know this because I have encountered them along the common road that we travel, searching for a resonant expression of Judaism that we haven’t found yet. We have discovered that to an extent, nurture doesn’t matter. You can provide educational tools, and an environment that’s friendly to observance, but how individuals integrate theology and observance into their lives is a matter of individuated nature, not communal pressures.

For these yeshiva graduates gone “wild” (wherein “wild” means independent), I don’t believe that it’s the familiarity of tradition breeding contempt. I do believe that it is the attempt to integrate a strict education into a contemporary lifestyle that engenders questioning. The more you know, the less likely you are to blindly accept "the package deal"; the more you know, the more questions you have. And the more you know, the less likely you will be pacified with an answer like “because we’ve always done it that way.”

When I left the dayschool environment for a secular university, I soon discovered that pretty much everyone on the floor of my dorm was Jewish. But there still wasn’t a lot of observance. I became the floor expert; people called me “SuperJew” and “Rabbi,” nicknames that baffled me because I felt far from either. For many, I was observant Judaism’s representative at Rutgers; because of my education, I found myself with knowledge that other people lacked. I found myself remembering all those trips from camp when they reminded us that we weren’t just representing Camp Ramah, but that we were representing the Jewish people, and therefore should be on our best behavior. I answered other people’s questions and challenges of Jewish observance, but didn’t spend the proper time answering my own questions.

As a result, when I write today, I grapple with authenticity, education, power, authority, authenticity, empowerment, tradition, feminism, modernity, identity and everything under the sun. It doesn’t mean that I have rejected everything that challenges me. But it doesn’t mean I accept it blindly either. How much more so would this be the case if I wrote primarily fiction...I would, per the standard advice, “write what I know,” which is the exploration of a committed Jewish identity between movements, an analysis of what works and what doesn’t and for whom and when and why. As they seek their own truth within their art, fiction writers with similar backgrounds are also likely to struggle with such themes.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 3

"Ortho-Bashers"

From Sandee Brawarsky’s column in this week's New York Jewish Week:

When asked to comment on criticism of her blurred distinctions between literature and journalism or sociology, [Shalit] says, “The problem is that these books are sold as ‘authentic’ portrayals of Orthodox life, and also reviewed as such — therefore I think it’s a fair question to ask: How authentic are these portraits, really?” She explains that she wrote the essay “to spark a discussion, so it’s healthy that we’re having this debate now in the Jewish world,” she says, adding, “We’re at a very exciting moment in American Jewish fiction because the monopoly of the Ortho-bashers is ending.”

While the term “monopoly of the Ortho-bashers” is a terrific soundbyte, is this at all what’s happening in contemporary Jewish literature? Does exploration, challenge and intellectual consideration constitute bashing? And how much of a book’s marketing, a decision that I understand is made primarily by publishers, is to be blamed on the author? Are these pieces of literature designed to incinerate religious Jewish life?

My opinion? The bottom line, for me, is that these books are not about Ortho-bashing. No novel is going to take down traditional Judaism. The last few years alone have seen a few anthologies containing stories that were definitely outside the mainstream of religious Judaism, but which were clearly reflective of the struggle of contemporary Jews. (Paul Zakrzewski’s Lost Tribe: Jewish Fiction from the Edge and Melvin Jules Bukiet’s Neurotica are two notable examples.)

People who are determined to come to a negative conclusion after reading of a fictional protagonist’s experience are going to do so, no matter how lovingly the portrait of observance is rendered. Similarly, people who are committed to Judaism, on whatever level, are going to understand that one character’s challenge of observance doesn’t necessarily constitute a wholesale condemnation of all Jewish religious practice, even if the fictional character is a religiously involved Jew who rejects the system in its entirety. The bias that each discerning reader brings to a work of literature is part of their personality, and necessarily tints their perspective on the words they read off the page. It's the rare work of literature that can override this kind of already-ingrained personal theology.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 2

The Role of Religion

Religion, and the degree to which one is religiously observant, can be a major obstacle to relationships of all sorts—romantic, family or professional. In this role, religion is pretense, as is faith; the observant Jew filters everything through the lens of religion. But one of the big problems with identifying a particular mode of religious observance as “authentic” is that it establishes a hierarchy of morality, creates parameters for dissent and breeds enmity instead of amity.* Because of the emotional stake that religious observance has, to families and to the Jewish community at-large, it makes an excellent literary device.

In my own writing, the nonfiction that’s become my hallmark and the fiction that no one’s ever seen, religion is almost always a major influence because it presents a challenge to the modern person. The challenge can also be a personal one—how much of our practice is based in faith and how much in training? Does a religious education constitute thought control, the fulfillment of a divine mandate, or a methodology that we can consider and adapt for our own purposes? If something is not meaningful to us, can we change it? Or is our tradition an inviolable law? Is there inherent authenticity to be found, or is every heartfelt connection an authenticity of sorts?
These are issues that modern Jews grapple with on a regular basis; the battlefield is sometimes internal, but more often can take a public form, as denominations engage in public preenings of self-righteousness. (“We’re authentic,” says one. “No you’re not,” says another, “because authentic Judaism would never include X.” “You’re both wrong,” says a third, “because you’re completely discounting the contemporary role of Y and Z.”) The more one is involved in these kinds of discussions that aren’t really discussions, the more that the Jewish community continues its bickering over priorities at the expense of Jewish pluralism, and the more disenchanted individuals can become. (Also, I can tell you from personal experience that the longer someone is single, the more he or she considers the merits of flexibility and adaptation over a stalwart clinging to “the way it’s always been done.”)

A writer’s choice to include diverse views does not necessarily indicate that author’s ideology. His or her irreverence, playing with the language and laws of Judaism in a contemporary context, is the right of the writer/thinker/Jew, and makes for both interesting reading and high-stakes conflict between the modern, dynamic world and the staid unmalleability of tradition. In fact, it would be most fortuitous if people who read these works of struggle were inspired to think about the statement this makes about the contemporary Jewish community.


*Some people think this isn’t a bad thing, that insisting that only Orthodoxy is authentic establishes a high set of standards for Jewish observance. As Frumster would put it, you’re either a particular kind of Orthodox, or you’re “Traditional but growing.” The growth in question allows for people to find their own way, but the assumption is that finding that way to Orthodox observance is always the goal.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 1

Not to Generalize…But

Generalizations become generalizations because they contain a substantial element of truth. So do stereotypes; in contemporary fiction and drama, the authors use these larger assumptions to draw the outlines of family dynamics, character, establish points of confluence and conflict, and create an illustrated counterpoint, a 3-dimensional set for the action of the story.

On lumping all members of a group together in terms of dress and behavior, one can only say that to an extent, in a larger sense, this is also a very human reaction. We all jump to our own conclusions of people based on their appearance, behavior and the company they keep. We think “he looks like a gangster, and dresses like a gangster, so he’s probably a gangster, and I should move to another subway car.” Unfair, yes—but a truthful human reaction. But substitute the word “chasid” for “gangster” and suddenly you’re being unfair to all Orthodox Jews.

The double standard works in both directions: when the outwardly Orthodox see a man not wearing a kippah, the assumption is that he’s not Jewish. If they find out he is Jewish, they assume that he is not knowledgable. (The same bias exists for Jewish women who wear pants and are therefore assumed to be secular and ignorant of traditional Judaism.)

That’s the basic level. If you encounter someone who is outwardly affiliated with one group, your tendency (however unfair) is to assume that the person you’ve met is a representative of that group. The problem emerges when you consider that inside the outward affect of affiliation with a group, each person is an individual, capable of individual choices—admirable and reprehensible and everywhere in between.

In Israel, I once met a pious-seeming man who wore a kippah, and based on that outward affect, made an assumption that he could be trusted; within an hour, it became clear that he was more sinner than saint. If that had been my first interaction with an “Orthodox kippah man,” I might have been turned off to all overt expressions of Judaism, assuming that such outwardly Jewish men were inwardly two-faced and untrustworthy. Especially in such cases of religious hypocrisy, wherein someone advocates a strictly religious lifestyle and behaves in a most immoral and unrepresentative manner; this kind of experience can teach the observer that most basic of human and literary lessons: that things are not always what they seem to be.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: AUTHOR'S NOTE

This may not surprise any of my regular readers, but it turns out that my response is running so extremely long that I'm breaking it up into chapters. (I know. Bear with me.) Apparently, I have a lot of opinions that are kind of inspired by, instead of being a direct reaction to, the Shalit piece.

I know it sounds like a mini-course in Jewish literature, but themes will include:

Generalization
The Role of Religion in Writing
The Role of Jewish Education
Orthobashing

Stay tuned...first chapter to be posted shortly.

'OBSERVANT READER': INTRODUCTION/RECAP

This is the fourth time I'm trying this through Blogger. Damn it. Keeps trashing my posts even after I've saved them as drafts. The damn URL links erase the rest of the post....

I cannot wait to move to Typepad.

Take 4 begins now.

For those of you who missed it (and this is admittedly an oversimplified summary), in her piece in last Sunday’s New York Times, Wendy Shalit points to the new trend in contemporary Jewish fiction: protagonists who grapple with Orthodox Judaism. She points to prominent writers who “have renounced Orthodox Judaism—or those who were never really exposed to it to begin with” as portraying “deeply observant Jews in an unflattering or ridiculous light.”

She tells of her own embrace of observant Judaism, and her joy at seeing that the stereotypes of religious people that she had been exposed to were not true. She also brings up the notion of outsiders and insiders, and who has a more authentic perspective.

The whole issue of inside versus outside is a question of authenticity, itself a matter that is the source of much personal struggle and communal contention for Jews of all stripes. Who has the right to call themselves a Jew? Who has the educational background that qualifies them to speak on Jewish issues? Who among us has been sufficiently immersed in a particular expression of Judaism to become an expert, even a fictionalized one?

I don’t consider myself Orthodox. Or necessarily affiliated with any major label of Judaism. Except maybe LOBSTr. But I’m fairly knowledgable Jewishly and Hebraically, and I’m also a writer; I'm in a state of constant questioning, and juggling my various identities to avoid from dropping any of them. So perhaps that makes me enough of an insider and an outsider to be able, at least, to write this essay semi-intelligently. One hopes.

(To be continued...)

TODAY'S LESSON: PUT THE BLOG FIRST

Before career. Before paycheck. Before social life.* Before all those things, I must prioritize the blog.

The blog is good. The blog, for lack of a better word, works. Must put the blog first.

I've been scooped on too many stories this week. By the time I weigh in on the treatment of observant Judaism in literature, the State of the Union, CampusJ, a romance well-deserved...it's all over the blogosphere, and I may not have anything to add.

(Of course, I'll still do the piece about literature; it's part of my development as a creative person struggling to discover the best personal expression of my Judaism, in my life and in my work.)

*Note to my parents if they're reading this: Don't worry. The paycheck's still important. And I'm not planning on writing the singles column forever.

PRELUDE TO A RESPONSE

I’ve been trying to piece together a coherent response to Wendy Shalit’s piece on "The Observant Reader" in the Sunday NY Times, but keep hitting wall after wall. Perhaps it’s because I feel like I'm constantly on deadline for other projects, or perhaps it’s that I just can’t wrap my brain around her premise. I’m finding it hard to address her points item-by-item; I think it’s just going to be its own essay.

In the interim, you may want to try:

Miriam
Allison Kaplan Sommer featuring Chayyei Sarah
Tova Mirvis via Chayyei Sarah

UPDATE:
DovBear
The Jewish Week

I'll be weighing in soon. One can hope, semi-intelligently.

THE DRAMA OF DATING

My new article, "The Drama of Dating," is now online at the Jewish Week website.
(NY Jewish Week, 02/04/05)

And oh, how I wish they had called me before they cut a phrase from my original opening (reproduced here for your convenience):

"Curtain up! Light the lights!" "It’s time to put on makeup, it’s time to dress up right!" It is here, somewhere between a Broadway show’s clarion anthem and the whimsical pre-curtain preparation and onstage goofiness of "The Muppet Show," that we encounter the drama of our dating lives.

Click here to read the whole article.

AMERICAN IDOLATRY

(Note to J.J. Abrams: As soon as Lost comes back with a new ep, I'm yours again, baby. But till then, I'm all about the Idol. A straight-up Idolater. Idolicious.)

Simon to Victor:
"If you manage to get a number one record in the next six months, I'll give you $100,000."

That is sheer genius. Watch the same bozos who gave William Hung a contract step up and give this guy a ludicrous, laughable contract just to prove Simon Cowell wrong.

Jessica to camera:
"Simon says I have the most talent of everyone here. That I'm only 16 and I have this amazing voice."

What Simon actually said about Jessica:
"You are nowhere near ready. You need a lot of work. A lot of work."

This is why people love this show. Because people have incredibly intricate delusions of grandeur. And because we wouldn't be Americans if we didn't enjoy seeing people's dreams crushed and obliterated on national television.

STEWART SEEKS 'APPRENTICE'

Finally a show worth watching.

What's that? Martha Stewart? Oh.

Yawn. Someone wake me when Jon Stewart seeks his 'Apprentice.'

WEIGHT I CAN GAIN JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM...

I hesitate to share this link, as I might be enabling all sorts of unhealthy eating habits by disseminating this information. Blame the Urban Achiever, for tempting me with information on where to get Marzipan rugelach in the US.

Going to the website, I learn that each rugelach (which is apparently plural as well as singular) contains almost a whole bar of chocolate. (That is CRAZY.) I shall not suffer the temptation of this tree of knowledge alone.

First things first, let's get the typo alert out of the way:

The Kosherfest press release reads:
Jerusalem Gourmet Rugalach Awarded Best New Desert Item by Kosherfest

(This could not be confirmed, but rumor has it that other "new desert items" included gummy cactus pie, new Mirage bottled water that tastes like whatever candy you want it to, and the world famous Arabian Sands cupcakes.)

At first, I was happy to see there were no Upper West Side distributors. Then I noticed the listing for Revaya, the cafe that's literally an around-the-corner, two-minute walk from one of the places where I do on-site work thrice weekly...and they are taking orders online. (It's pricey, though: $9.95 for twelve rugelach.)

Still no nutritional information, though. (I'm assuming that means they're fat-free, meet all the US RDA of valuable nutrients and are a good source of protein, iron and fiber.)

There. Now you must all be keepers of the knowledge. Use it wisely.

I'D LIKE A BRIS-KIT ON WRY

I don't even know where to start with this story from the Daily News:

City health officials are investigating whether a baby boy died after contracting herpes from the rabbi who circumcised him, the Daily News has learned. The probe was launched after city officials realized that three infants in the city who tested positive for herpes last year all were circumcised by Rabbi Yitzchok Fischer. The Rockland County-based Fischer is a prominent mohel - someone who performs religious circumcisions.

I appreciate the Daily News' attempt at defining mohel. But I kind of feel like if you don't know what a mohel is, maybe you're not really a New Yorker. Or maybe you never saw an episode of Seinfeld.

Under Jewish law, a mohel is supposed to draw blood from the circumcision wound to remove impurities. While many mohels do it by hand, Fischer uses a practice little known outside ultra-Orthodox communities called metzizah bi peh, in which the mohel uses his mouth.

FWIW, I have never heard of this practice, but I know precious little about the mechanics of circumcisions. And I like to keep it that way. (Need-to-know basis: And I don't need to know.)

Hebrew lesson
The word metzitzah means "sucking." Not as in "this Dawson's Creek storyline is really sucking," as in "I gave the baby a motzetz (pacifier) so that when I'm not nursing he can still have the comfort of metzitzah." Bi peh, or more correctly (I think) ba'peh, means "by mouth" or "orally." (I'm gonna go with "ugh.")

Medical lesson
There are actually a number of herpesviruses. (Click here for a list and some pretty gross pictures that should tell you why medical school wasn't part of your professional plan.)

Herpesviruses are extremely common and around 100 have been identified in a variety of animal species. All of the herpesviruses are members of one family, the Herpesviridae, and have certain characteristics in common, such as their ability to establish latency during primary infection. This means that following initial infection the virus remains dormant, to be reactivated by certain triggers such as an individual’s immune status, stress or sunlight.

Only 8 of these viruses have been identified in humans. This list includes varicella zoster*, which causes chickenpox and shingles, and Epstein-Barr, which can often lead to infectious mononucleosis. I already knew this because when my old roommate got mono, I loved to tease her by telling her she had herpes. (It was way funny at the time. By the time I got mono four years later, the comedy had expired.)

But back to the story...my point is that we all assume that "herpes" means "genital herpes." And it may not. That's all I'm saying. The only thing funny about this story is the headline to this post. And even that, I freely admit, is more cringeworthy than funny.

As if parents of newborn Jewish boys didn't have enough to worry about...

UPDATE: A medical abstract about this custom....



*I can't swear to this, but I seem to recall a member of my parents' shul was named Varicella Zoster. It's quite a beautiful name, actually. I'll add it to my shortlist of baby names for my yet-to-be-conceived children. (Her Hebrew name will probably be "Vered" or "Varda.")

NOT ON REID'S LIST: "SMART"

Tara Reid wants you to be her boyfriend. (Well, not YOU. But maybe "one of yous".)

The 29-year-old voiced her need for a man in her life on Monday's (Jan. 31) episode of "The Ellen Degeneres Show," report news sources. "I want a nice guy, a nice, funny, good sense of humor, cute, obviously, you know, just a good guy," says Reid, urging the single male viewers to send in a 60-second tape of themselves to "audition" for the role of boyfriend.

Reasons to date Tara Reid:

1) Her range. She's even playing a scientist now, thanks to dark-framed glasses.
2) Wardrobe malfunctions make life exciting.
3) Thanks to TR's propensity toward wearing extra-low rider jeans and extra-high cut tops, you and her nutritionist can instantly see whether or not she's eaten anything that day.
4) Connections to cast of the Big Lebowski.
5) When you go out on the town, you will always be referred to as "the smart one."

At least there's no need to worry that TR and I are looking for men in the same places. I mean, has she tried Friday night services on the Upper West Side?

GREAT NEWS FOR KOSHER SICK PEOPLE

According to this report in the JTA, Triaminic has now been declared kosher:

Getting healthy with God
A cough syrup was declared kosher.
All eight varieties of Triaminic received the kosher stamp of approval from the Orthodox Union, The New York Times reported. The approval is believed to be the first time the Orthodox Union, the world largest’s largest kosher certifying agency, has certified an over-the-counter medicine as kosher.

For those of you who are not familiar with the way the Jewish/kosher certification community works, a few predictions of what happens from here:

1) The cost of Triaminic goes up.
2) By the certification of this particular brand of medication, other medications are post facto considered not only not certified but totally treyf (not kosher).
3) Children in families who have decided that medicines do not require rabbinical supervision will be teased in school (as in "David drinks treyf medicine, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah...")
4) Yeshiva day schools write letter to parents, telling them that school administrators prefer that you now buy only Triaminic, and asking them to not send treyf medications to school with their children.
5) Use of non-certified cough medicines leads to chaos, mass hysteria and, worst of all, dancing.

SO MUCH FOR THIS YAHOO...

Remember Lucius Yahoo Dragoman? Well, the story was a hoax.

On January 24, Reuters reported:

A Romanian tabloid says it has fired a reporter for making up a story about a couple who named their son Yahoo as a sign of gratitude for meeting over the Internet. Earlier this month, major Bucharest daily Libertatea published a story saying two Romanians had named their baby Yahoo and printed a picture of his birth certificate. The news was widely picked up on the Internet. "It was the reporter's child's birth certificate, which he modified," said Simona Ionescu, Libertatea's deputy editor-in-chief on Monday. "We fired him." She said Ion Garnod, who had worked for the paper for several years, had admitted inventing the story to look good.

And here I thought CNN was a reliable source. But I guess I don't have to feel too stupid that I was duped, if CNN also fell for it.

At least we don't have to worry about him being teased on the playground anymore. At least not because of his name. And I'm still not naming my kid JDate. Ever.

IN CASE OF SLOW BLOGGING, BREAK GLASS

Not that I seem to run out of material that often, but as I approach the first-anniversary mark on My Urban Kvetch, I thought I'd take a page from Todd and others and open the floor to my readers: this will help me prepare my anniversary post, and could also serve as brain Drano in case I experience some sort of writing blockage in the future.

How did you get here? Why did you keep coming back?

What's your favorite My Urban Kvetch post so far?

What would you like to see me write/opine/pontificate/kvetch about?

If you were to cast me in a television show, what would the format be (sitcom, talk show, game show, improvised show?) and why?

Do you have any questions, suggestions or comedy challenges for me?

Post feedback and suggestions in the comments section--results TBA, depending on volume of reader response.

POPE NON-FICTION

Now here's something to be proud of: according to this article in Ha'aretz, the Jews are threatening legal action against the Pope:

U.S. Jewish groups threatened legal action against the Vatican on Thursday, saying the Roman Catholic church has stonewalled their requests for information about Jewish children placed in convents during World War II to protect them from the Nazis...

The letter said the Jewish groups were "deeply concerned about recent documents indicating a papal policy of encouraging Jewish children who were hidden by convents during World War II not to be retured to Jewish institutions after the war." Moreover, the letter said, in cases where the children were baptized, the documents' directive was to forbid the convent from returning the children to their parents...[Rabbi Shmuel] Herzfeld said the Jewish groups seek an immediate investigation of all archives related convents in northern Europe under the Vatican's influence in order to determine the blood lines of potentially thousands of missing children.

I don't think taking legal action against the Vatican is a good idea. (Didn't anyone read the Da Vinci Codes? You could end up dead at the Louvre... Just kidding...see comments on the Stephen King thread...) There's nothing to be gained, and almost every stride in interfaith relations to be lost.

That dozens, let alone thousands, of Jews do not know their lineage, that they were given away to convents so that they would live, that they were converted so they could survive? That there are people out there who have lived their whole lives as Christians and who may now discover, after more than half a century, that they've been lied to their whole lives? That entire lines of Jewish European families were unnecessarily terminated, not by Nazi persecution, but by a papal declaration? I find this prospect horrifying.

If the Vatican does not have such documents, let it so declare. If the Vatican does have documents proving complicity of Pope Pius in a "plot" to keep converted Jewish children after the end of the war, then the moral thing to do would be to share these records, and let these former children know where they come from. If, post- such a revelation, Christianity is still the belief system that gives meaning to their lives, so be it; I'm not part of any vast movement to reconvert people who have lived their whole lives as Christians and force them to live Jewish lives. But they should be given back the freedom of choice that they were stripped of by Nazi Europe. This does not do anything to undermine the authority of the Church, and in fact, makes a positive affirmation of morality. It should, in my humble, decidedly non-Vatican opinion, be a no-brainer.

Any of my Christian readers want to weigh in on this?

FOR HARDCORE BUFFY FANS ONLY 2

Ever wonder what the first four seasons might have been like if Dawn had been on the show from the beginning?

Well, the hardcore Buffy fans do. Dawn Summers could not be reached for comment. Although thanks to this link, she'll probably weigh in...

Random Buffiness from the Mind of Esther:

If I could travel back in time, I would be an unsigned band that would play at the Bronze.
I want another musical episode.
I want a Tara spinoff series.
I want to always remember Wesley as the "rogue demon hunter" that he was when he first showed up in Los Angeles.
I want to see the new Watchers Academy that Andrew refers to in Season Five of Angel.
I want a Giles spinoff series that has a musical episode. Or twelve.
I want to open a karaoke bar called "Lorne's," in which televisions are constantly running episodes of Buffy and Angel and all the drinks are named after demons or recurring characters.

That's all, I think. What do you want?

IN THE PRESENCE OF THE KING

In addition to pontificating on the humor and literary merits of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I constantly find myself defending the works of Stephen King.

This is mind-boggling to me, as--in addition to the immense popularity of his books and the pervasiveness of his images and stories in contemporary culture--the genius is plainly there. You’ve probably seen them, and lost sleep over them, even if you didn’t know you were in the presence of the King. (The Shining and Dreamcatcher, alone, were responsible for many nights of insomnia. And don't get me started on Insomnia.)

Shawshank Redemption. Stand By Me. The Shining. Misery. Carrie. They are all icons of horror and suspense, and deal with both supernatural demons and inner demons. They are studies of character and relationship; villains are sometimes spectral, other times desperately human.

In TV's serialization tension is defrayed and the fear factor lessened, but the King continues to rule: from the well-reviewed but doomed Kingdom Hospital to TV movies of Salem’s Lot, Storm of the Century, The Stand, The Tommyknockers, Needful Things, Riding the Bullet, TV has brought King to the basic cable subscribers. Where would TNT and USA be without Stephen King?

The fictional town of Castle Rock became a place on the literary landscape with its own history: its criminals go to Shawshank, its citizens remember their forebears and the unusual incidents that happened in that town “back in the day.” King routinely introduces characters, fleshes them out as if they’re going to be the problem-solvers in their book’s respective scenarios, only to kill them off within the chapter. Each character, no matter how minor, is fully developed—full character descriptions, inner thoughts, dreams for the future, etc, even if that character has no future to speak of. In Desperation, King used the same character names, as in the Regulators. Plus, he's in a band with Dave Barry. That’s genius. But not every writer can mold to this method.

Ayelet, the self-proclaimed Bad Mother (who, despite her name, comes off as eminently and refreshingly human and not in any way a dangerous maternal figure) writes about having met the King of Horror Literature through her husband Michael Chabon, author of the Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay and the new novel The Final Solution. But more amazing than an author meeting an author is a meeting like the one she describes on her blog:

It turns out that all over the country in response to Columbine kids are being prosecuted ... yes PROSECUTED ... for writing fiction. Now, I understand the fear. I understand the horror of the shoot out. What I don't get is the response. My response to Columbine is to wonder what is wrong with a culture that so ostracizes and alienates a child that he ends up so crazy. What is wrong with the mentality of a high school where kids are made to feel so bitterly freakish and outlawed? Instead, we fixate on the kid writing the fiction. Instead of worrying about what's going on in his head, instead of feeling his pain and wondering at its source, we arrest him. Instead of stopping the bullying, we target the bullied.

Michael had a brilliant response to this. He decided to teach a class at 826 Valencia in horror and dark fantasy writing...for teenagers. He told Stephen King about it, and this incredibly famous man, this man with a million things to do, a million commitments, a million demands on his time, said, "Dude, you teach that class, and I'll be there."On the last day of class, he was there. As a surprise guest. You should have seen the kids' faces. They were out of their minds. When he told them that he was an amateur, just like them, they scribbled in their notebooks. When he asked them what they wrote, what their techniques were, you could see their self-confidence expand before your eyes. It was amazing.

Stephen King is giving back, inspiring the next generation of writers, and providing encouragement to the students who need it most. Ayelet said it first, but I’ll second the motion. King’s not just the king. He’s also a mensch.

ORGANIZED LASHON HARA

It has been said that blogging lends itself to lashon hara (gossip). I read Gawker by RSS feed, just to make sure I'm not missing any entertainment-related news, but I can't stomach Defamer. Just the site's name makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Now, the NY Times reports, Gawker's got competition.

In October [Elizabeth Spiers, founder of Gawker] took a job at Mediabistro.com where, among other things, she will start up a media gossip blog called FishBowlNY and serve as its co-author. Among her chief rivals is Gawker.com itself, which is now edited by a cheerful 24-year-old named Jessica Coen and is still a daily addiction for the gossip hungry and media elite.

The face-off begins tomorrow when Mediabistro, largely a journalist networking site, unveils FishBowlNY and several other new blogs. The rivalry falls squarely into the grand New York tradition of competing for the juiciest bits of gossip. This being the new millennium, the battle is being raged not in screaming tabloids but in cyberspace.

Then, the article explains that the web world is snarky and personal barbs are hurled daily at the business' movers and shakers, for instance, Mediabistro founder Laurel Touby:

When a departing Mediabistro editor neglected to invite Ms. Touby to his farewell party, Ms. Coen reprinted an e-mail message to the staff from Ms. Touby in which the snubbed cyberhostess fumed, "I have to insist that you not attend this farce of a party."

And two months before Ms. Touby's wedding, Gawker noticed that she had forgotten to deactivate her personal profile on JDate, the Jewish singles site, and linked to it, snarking, "Now we know how to snare a new media goddess."

What have we learned, boys and girls?

1) Read your emails again before you send them. Will you be embarrassed if that email is printed somewhere on the web tomorrow? Then don't send it. Most people don't consider email to be private correspondence, unless the privacy is specified...

2) "Snarking" is now a word.

3) When we do get married, we should deactivate our JDate profiles...

GENIUS OR HERESY?

Probably a little of both.

A new Upright Citizens Brigade event picks up where Mystery Science Theater 3000 left off, and steps clearly across a line...

DIRECTOR COMMENTARY LIVE!@UCBT, WED FEB 2-8pm
UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE THEATER: 307 W 26th St NY NY 10011 212 366 9176

There's more to the movie than what's on screen. Experience the drama that goes on behind the scenes as Matt Walsh and friends provide live commentary for your favorite movies.
This week's movie: The Passion Of The Christ
Starring Matt Walsh (Upright Citizens Brigade), Scot Armstrong (writer, Old School, Road Trip, Starsky & Hutch), Paul Scheer (VH-1, Best Week Ever)
Reserve Online Now

Is PoftheC one of our favorite movies now? This will undoubtedly either be so brilliant that it's funny or so uncomfortable that it's disturbing. I'm not quite ready to attend a screening of this movie into a comedy-commentary driven event, but I do see the potential...if anyone goes, please write in and let me know how it went and how many people turned out to protest it...

Now, Cecil B. Demille's The Ten Commandments...that's MST3K-worthy!

OSCAR SYSTEM FLAWED?

Duh. I think the fact that there's no comedy category proves that.

But the author of this article maintains that Dumb & Dumber was an "overlooked" "epic," that Paul Westerberg* should have received an Oscar for his work on the Singles soundtrack, and that Molly Ringwald was robbed by Sally Field.

Not that author Ace Burpee (I mean, really!) sore just about the last few decades of Oscar. It was this year that prompted the piece, and for him to ask the question that was on everyone's minds:

"Where was Anchorman?"



*If you don't know Paul Westerberg's music on this album, you are totally missing the boat. His two songs, "Waiting for Somebody" and "Dyslexic Heart," are infectious, but in a much better way than say, Britney Spears' "Toxic." Much better, in that "W4S" and "DH" are songs that actually consist of lyrics and music, sold by the musician's passion and enthusiasm without the aid of a vocoder...

WHY DON’T WE GET DRUNK…AND LEYN*

Ah, the kiddush club, that sacred fraternity. You may have witnessed it, unaware that it had a name. In the middle of the Shabbat morning service (typically between the Torah and the rabbi’s sermon/the Haftarah reading) a group of men between the ages of 25 and 40 vanish from the sanctuary and retreat to the social hall/basement to belly up to the bar. As they hover over a cluster of bottles, they utter magic words like “Glenfiddich” and “Glenlivet” and “L’Chayim” and soon everything becomes a shiny, happy Shabbos haze. And then it’s back to shul for an unsteady Amidah (silent standing prayer).

Maybe that’s what all the shuckling** is about—loss of equilibrium.

But now, the reigning body of contemporary Orthodox Judaism wants to ban the boozin':

The problem with the clubs is twofold, O.U. [Orthodox Union] leaders said in a meeting with the Forward. They desecrate Saturday morning prayers and set a bad example for the community's youth. "Kiddush is a way to sanctify the day," said Rabbi Moshe Krupka, the O.U.'s executive director of programming. "You're not sanctifying the Sabbath by walking into the cloak room with a hip flask of single-malt Scotch." The decision to eliminate the Kiddush Clubs was an outgrowth of a meeting of rabbis and educators convened by the O.U. on December 21 to discuss questions of substance abuse, gambling, smoking and promiscuity among Orthodox teens. Two days later, in a conference call of O.U. board members, the move was approved by a 9-1 margin.

Miriam’s for the new shultime Prohibition, and notes that in her experience kiddush club has been for an older generation. Personally, the synagogues I’ve attended (admittedly, mostly Conservative synagogues on the Upper West Side) don’t seem to have an active kiddush club culture. (In Riverdale, it’s another story.)

I've always thought that having a male-only kiddush club was a waste of schnapps. Maybe some enterprising synagogue could reinvent kiddush club as a singles scene mid-service--daven, drink, daven. A Jew's Booze-n-Schmooze. Why not? It works for Purim.

You know those friends you had in college who swore that their test-taking skills improved when they were high? (Oh come on. I wasn't the only one with those friends, was I?) Maybe the same is true for improving your spirituality while praying. Most synagogues I know could use the boost, even if the high is chemical.

One last note: I am definitely for the reinstitution of the term "cloak room."


* Yiddish term for “reading Torah.”
**Yiddish term for the rocking motion made by fervent Jews during prayer.

IS THAT A PHONE IN YOUR POCKET?

(...or are you just happy to see me?)

Ever wish your personal phone ring was just a wee bit more, ahem, personalized? No need to beg, babies. Jenna Jameson's got your pockets covered:

Porn star Jenna Jameson is now hawking "moan tones." For $2.50 mobile phone users can choose from a variety of moans, and sexual noises all recorded by the blond bombshell.If that's not enough, Jameson will talk dirty to you when your phones rings, in English or Spanish...Jameson's charms are already being downloaded in Argentina, Ecuador, Venezuela, and in a couple of weeks will be available from Mexico to Uruguay.

As oversexualized as American culture already is, to our credit, these ringtones are not available in the US:

U.S. users will have to wait to get Jameson on their phones as no mobile carriers in the United States have expressed any interest in carrying the service.

Aww. Poor American porn addicts...they'll have to look elsewhere for aural sex.

TBS: VERY FUNNY?

I just caught the end of Sugar and Spice, about a group of high school cheerleaders that robs a bank because one of the members of their squad gets pregnant and needs the money to take care of her baby.

Then, Josie and the Pussycats, starring the inimitable Tara Reid.

I think TBS needs to reconsider their tagline.

PARANOIA

So, I just saw Osama Bin Laden on the street. He was wearing a snow parka with the hood up, but I could still see his beard.

It was him, I tell you. At the corner of 86th and West End Avenue. For sure, it was him. Either him, or my high school principal.

I suppose there's a slight chance that it could have just been one of the bearded Jews of the Upper West Side.

But just remember: just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone's not out to get you.

TO ERR IS HUMAN...

...to forgive? $17K.

God bless CNN Offbeat for helping to put a price on forgiveness.

GRATEFUL/PACT WITH THE DEVIL

Well, voting for the JIB Awards is underway, and I'm very grateful for all your support. JDaters Anonymous is still a dark horse candidate for best culture blog; my writer's ego would love to see it bumped up a few votes in its category so it was facing off against My Urban Kvetch in the eventual finals for some Esther-on-Esther competition (but that's not likely). Right now, I'm just grateful for all the attention. I'm leading in at least one category, and hovering near the top in several others. I'll resist the Sally Field-isms, in favor of a simple "thanks."

I'm so grateful that I even cast a goodwill vote for the ruthless blogger who's accused me of being married to Satan (even though any regular reader knows I'm single as they come). Although I applaud his subtle campaign methods, I think many of my regular readers understand that if I had entered into any kind of pact with the devil, the terms would include a record deal (if William Hung and J. Lo can have one, so can I), movies (if Renee Zellweger can squint on camera for millions, so can I), a book contract (I can share wisdom on how to detect that someone isn't really interested--Lord knows I've had enough experience in this arena) and red carpets (if people can pronounce 'Mariska Hargitay'*, maybe 'Esther Kustanowitz' isn't such a pipe dream)?

In summary: no pact with the devil yet. But I'm open.

May the best blogs win!

(PS: Vote here.)

*Did everyone understand that Mariska's mom was Jayne Mansfield? Yowza. Where have I been?

MyUrbanKvetch.com

I'm pleased to announce my acquisition of MyUrbanKvetch.com, your one-stop shop for all your urbankvetching needs. Change your bookmarks, and visit often...

BOY, ARE YOU MISSING OUT...

If you haven't changed your links yet, here's what you're missing over at the new site:

What Insurance is For

Blogs Reboiled

When Bloggers Stop Being Polite...

Jake in Progress

Letter from the Material Girl

Me on the cover of TV Guide (sort of)

And the announcement of the My Urban Kvetch "Kvetch Across America" tour.

Don't miss out! Change your links, and come on over! It's much easier than having you all in my studio!

And don't forget to visit Jdaters Anonymous!

EVEN MORE NEW POSTS!!!

Over at the new site:

MARCH POSTS

• "The Bachelorette" Finale
• Madonna vs. Boy George
• Revisiting Josh Braff's Book in Light of the Shalit essay
• Poetry

FEBRUARY POSTS

• Oscar Highlights and Lowlights
• Crazy Jewish Love Spam
• Rollin' on Shabbos

As Gwen Stefani asks, What U Waitin 4?

Join me at the new site. Resistance is futile. (So change those links.)

TRANSITION...

NEW POSTS AT THE TYPEPAD SITE:

The Non-Predictions of Oscarsdamus
The First My Urban Kvetch Field Trip and Theater Outing
"It's Not You...It's Me"--My Breakup Letter to Blogger

I'm finally getting there. The posts are transferred, even with their comments. (God bless Typepad.) The transformation is near-complete.

Muahhahahahahaha!!! Signed, The Evil Almost-Genius of Kvetch

HELP NEEDED FROM TYPEPAD GURUS:
*A quick way to rename and "file" the posts that have been imported
*How to manipulate the template to add blogrolling code, statcounter code, etc
*How to post-date entries (to keep them at the top of the page)
*Any other helpful hints or supa-fly tipz that will help me rock Typepad in an easy-to-read fashion

Thanks, yo. I'll let all y'all know when I've moved fa good.

GET BRENT'S BOD

Finally, you can attain a celebrity's physique! International megastar of the BBC's hit show The Office Ricky Gervais reveals his sexy dieting secrets:

While Rene Zellweger embarked on rigorous campaign of pizza-eating and Guinness-drinking to fill Bridget Jones' rather large pants, Gervais spent ten years gobbling down cheese and imbibing beer to play David Brent in The Office.

I'll be filing this under "Reasons to Love the British."

BEER, FOAMY...GOOD

An interesting post over at JDaters Anonymous (if I do say so myself) about the merits of alcohol in social situations.





(Sorry, Ken. Lent will be over soon. Actually, I have no idea when Lent's over since they never taught us that in yeshiva. Easter? In which case it's not that soon...but I support your commitment, however long it lasts.)

PUTTING THE "DIE" BACK IN "DIET", PART DEUX: THE HUBRIS AWARD

And the Hubris Award Goes to…

Inventor Ray Kurzweil, author of Fantastic Voyage: Live Long Enough to Live Forever, who predicts a coming explosion in technology that will make infinite life spans possible.

In a recent interview, Kurzweil spoke of humanity's coming immortality as if it's as good as done. He says he sees human intelligence not only conquering its biological limits, including death, but completely mastering the natural world.

Some images that come to mind: the kids from Fame singing ("I wanna live forever...I wanna learn how to fly...HIGH!"), the Tower of Babel falling, pride goeth-ing before a fall, every flawed hero of a Shakespeare tragedy, etc…

Critics say that Kurzweil's predictions of immortality are wild fantasies based on unjustifiable leaps from current technology. Kurzweil says that his critics don't appreciate the exponential nature of technological advance.

I guess they’ll just have to agree to disagree. A quote that comes to mind:
"It's symbolic of our struggle against oppression!"
"It's symbolic of your struggle against reality..."

In his latest book, Kurzweil defines what he calls his three bridges to immortality. The "First Bridge" is a health regimen to keep people fit enough to cross the "Second Bridge," a biotechnological revolution that will block disease-causing genes and create new ones that would slow or stop the aging process. The "Third Bridge" is the nanotechnology and artificial-intelligence revolution, which Kurzweil predicts will deliver the nanobots to work in our bloodstreams and brains. These intelligent machines will destroy disease, rebuild organs and obliterate limits on human intelligence.

"Paging Neo. Neo, to the white courtesy phone."

PUTTING THE “DIE” BACK IN “DIET”

Welcome to what I suspect will be a continuing series on fad diets and the crazy people who adopt them. (Add Ryan Seacrest and it sounds like a reality show for FOX.)

One Meal A Day

Brad, Courteney, Elizabeth Hurley…these paragons of nutrition have all “benefited” from the one-meal-a-day diet. The gist of this article? The groundbreaking news that this kind of dieting is bad for you. (Duh.)

Shark Blood: Australian for Nutrition

After being adrift at sea for seven weeks and presumed lost, three fishermen were forced to drink shark blood and rain-water in order to survive. Mmm...shark blood.

The French Diet—Snack and Be Taunted a Second Time

A lot has been written recently about the fact that there are no fat French women. While I'm still not convinced this is true, here is a partial list of the reasons that French people are thinner, even if they consume a lot of fat and alcohol.
• Their portions are smaller.
• They eat only at mealtimes. (Snacking is frowned upon.)
• They eat a wider variety of food.
• They don't skip meals.

This also just in: being snooty burns 235 calories an hour.

Soda Companies—Making Diets Cool for Men

In an attempt to make dieting and diet products more "man-friendly," instead of taking the tried-and-true road of placing the product next to a hot woman in a bikini, soda companies are eschewing the word "diet" in favor of other alternatives, like Sierra Mist Free. I guess the theory is that a man would feel wimpy ordering a Diet Sierra Mist, but what man doesn't like something that's free? Personally, I think the problem here is the "Sierra Mist" part. Even I feel wussy ordering it.


Plus, just when you thought Diet Coke was the diet version of Coca-Cola Classic, the Coca-Cola Company says "nuh-uh, it's like, a totally different formula," and announced that it will soon introduce Coke Zero or possibly Coke Light, truer to Coca-Cola Classic in flavor than Diet Coke, and without all the pesky calories.

I've got one more story in the vein of health, diet and nutrition, but I'm giving it its own post. So stay tuned.

NEW MACHER IN TOWN

Claiming the title of "The Ultimate Jewish Website," and boasting the slogan of "Your Gateway to the Jewish Community," along comes Machers.

An initial review of the site leaves the impression that while it is an effective directory-style amalgam of collected information (Jewish news feeds, lists of online singles organizations, a Jewish blogroll), there's no real substantive content (either original or reprinted) to speak of. Yet. But the site looks like an ambitious beginning to what could become a major resource for both links and content.

And you heard it here first.

A RANDOM LANGUAGE THOUGHT

I’ve recently begun thinking that we should take everyday verbs and create proper-name oriented slang for them.

It’s a nod to Buffyspeak and also provides corporate naming opportunities, like those that already exist for things like arenas and potentially, subway stations.

We could call it Kvetchese (or Baby Fish Mouth, since I’m sure it will be sweeping the nation).

For instance:

On Sunday morning, I Tropicanaed and Quaker Oated. A little while later, I Niked out of my apartment, and Starbucked over to 81st Street for a meeting. Since there were no seats, I Metrocarded up to the store on 101st, where I finally managed to Sumatra Decaf my way through a grande java bev. After Carrie Bradshawing my way through my column, I returned home for some righteous Netflixing.

DYLAN MCDERMOTT CAST IN NEW SERIES

According to Mediaweek's A.J. Frutkin, Practice's McDermott to Star in CBS' 3 Lbs.

Apparently it's a show about man's search for the perfect woman with the perfect weight.

I'm kidding. (Jeeze!) It's a medical drama for CBS about a group of brain surgeons. Barry Levinson will direct the pilot.

McDermott's been a lawyer. Now, a doctor. What next, an accountant?

Maybe the brain weighs 3 pounds. But anyone who saw Jerry Maguire knows that the human head weighs eight pounds. And they say that TV can't learn ya nuthin'.

THE REAL QUESTION: WHEN ISN'T "LAW & ORDER" ON?

That question aside, if you want to watch "Law & Order" but don't know if it's on, here are a three easy ways to find out.

1) There's this thing called "TV Guide." I think it's like, a magazine or something. You buy it, you read it, and then you know stuff, like when TV shows are on.
2) Is it evening or night-time? Chances are, you're missing three episodes of "L & O" right now. Turn on your TV and find out.
3) For those who want to plan ahead, here's a guy who has a complete list of which shows are scheduled to air when. Plus, CHARTS!

And people say I watch too much TV.

"GATES" AND JUDAISM

In this article in the Forward (free registration may be required to read the story, but copious excerpts are available here), there is a discussion of the Jewish meaning that can be applied to the famous "Gates" installation in Central Park.

A few hours after the installation's inauguration, Michael Strassfeld, a rabbi whose congregation meets just a few short steps from the celebrated 16-day installation, brought together a group of some 70 of his congregants for a Sabbath-afternoon talk on the place of the gate in Jewish thought. Traditionally, explained the rabbi, the city gate is where the action is: where one goes for news, for trade. It is where justice is administered.

Whenever anyone mentions gates in the context of Jewish life, I think of several things: the synagogue I've attended for ten years (Shaarei Zedek--Gates of Righteousness), the gates of Jerusalem, and the synagogue I tell people I'm going to when I'm really just sleeping in (Shaarei Sheinah--Gates of Sleep).

The gate is no less central in the relationship between man and God. One need think only of the gates of prayer, the gates of repentance. The closing portion of the Yom Kippur liturgy, the Ne'ilah service, which centers on the closing of the heavenly gates, is regarded as the penitent's last chance at redemption. The gate is the threshold between the known and the unknown, past and future. It's a place of risk, where demons lurk; it's where one hangs the mezuzah.

This threshhold thing reminds me of an episode of Charmed, wherein a little girl was scared of doorways and windows because that's where gremlins lived. I keep waiting for Makor to offer a class in Jewish demonology, 'cause I'll be so there. Especially if we talk about Lilith as the progenitrice of BTVS's vengeance demon, Anya.

Wrappings and coverings constitute an astounding number of Judaism's ritual objects: the curtain for the Holy Ark, the prayer shawl, the wedding canopy, the kittel prayer robe — each endowing what it covers with ceremonial uniqueness. And such, some say, has been the effect of the Gates' billowing fabric on visitors in Central Park.

I'm going to go on record: I really wish the fabric were a different color. Which color would I prefer? I don't know. I'm no artist. The orange (or as the Christos like to call it, "saffron") throws me into a visual panic. It looks like there are hazard cones all around the park, outlining it as one big Law and Order crime scene, or creating the effect that Central Park is experiencing an "orange" level of terror threat.

Or maybe that's just my own internal terror alert system.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: SANDRA DEE

Sandra Dee passed away at age 62 after a long bout of kidney disease.

The sad thing is, there's a whole generation (mine) for whom Sandra Dee's name is nothing but a punchline, rhyming with "lousy with virginity." Oh come on--you know the minute you heard about Dee's passing, you were picturing Stockard Channing with that blonde wig on, making fun of Sandy who's in the bathroom passing out after smoking and having her ears pierced at the slumber party with the Pink Ladies. In fact, I'd wager that when we first memorized the song (from "Grease," if you're completely clueless), we had no idea that there was an actual person named Sandra Dee. We probably thought Sandy's last name was Dee. (It's actually Oleson.)

If we've ever even heard of Gidget, we think Sally Field. And thanks to Kevin Spacey's Beyond the Sea, we now have an image of Dee as played by Kate Bosworth.

She deserves a better legacy. I'm gonna add some of her movies to my Netflix list. Suggestions welcome.

TWO BRADS, NO WAITING

Now there's more than enough Brad to go around. One for Jennifer, and one for Angelina.

Brad Pitt's set to star in a movie called Chad Schmitt: the plot centers on a struggling 1980s actor who wants to be a celebrity, and realizes he is identical to Brad Pitt. (I wonder who plays Brad's dad? Chad's dad? Egad! I think we've all been had!)

I guess it's like Dave, but with twice the Brad and no future of the free world at stake. Which I guess makes it not like Dave at all.

It may be a little more like Sliding Doors, actually, with dueling Gwynnies. I wonder what would happen if the two Gwynnies from Sliding Doors met up with the two Brads from Chad Schmitt. I think that would yield a Celebrity Deathmatch worth the pay-per-view charge.

MADONNA "PROMOTED" ON POTENTIAL ROAD TO RABBINATE

Welcome back to everyone's favorite place-to-visit-but-you-wouldn't-want-to-live-there, the Hall of Celebrity Weirdness.

Today’s exhibit focuses on the latest achievement by the woman who exhorted her papa not to preach and encouraged women everywhere to express themselves as they, on holiday, celebration come together from every nation.

According to source contactmusic.com, Madonna has been promoted to the highest pre-ordination level possible within what the article calls the “Church of Kabbalah.” That’s right.

Just to recap, we have now learned the following…

1) Kabbalah is a church.
2) One can be promoted in Kabbalah. It is unclear if one can be left back. Also unclear is if promotion comes with full medical and dental. Optical, of course, is not included.
3) If Madonna learns one more thing, she’s going to have to release a song called “Like a Rabbi.” (“paskening* for the very first time…like a ra-a-a-aabbi, cause your shul’s not as frum** as mine…”)

Please feel free to suggest additional titles, topics and lyrics for Rabbi Madge’s future songs. Songs may be new (e.g., “Call Me Rabbi, But I’m Still a Woman” –a duet with Britney Spears) or reissues of previous Madonna hits (e.g., “Who’s That Maidel?”).


*Paskening means "making halakhic (Jewish law-related) decisions."
**Frum means "religiously observant."

MY URBAN KVETCH DOES TYPEPAD: BETA SITE UP

I know. I'm pretending to be a web geek. This may not technically be a beta site. But it is where my blog will be once I negotiate the dang "import your posts from Blogger" feature. Until then, I will continue to post mostly here. Once the move is final, I'll post an official announcement here so you can update your links.

In the interim, consider this a sneak preview of the new look of My Urban Kvetch. Which, admittedly, looks a lot like the old My Urban Kvetch. But that's just to help you transition, gentle reader.

Also available on this site, new posts on the Breakfast Club, my media blitz, and more. The blogroll is in process, so don't panic if you're not there. As if.

Check me out: My Urban Kvetch 2005

Feedback welcome!

CONSTANTINE

Let it not be said that bloggers get no perks. Tonight, I attended a preview screening of CONSTANTINE, which turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

I have to get the worst part over with first. Some people are simply insufferable, and their every move as grating as nails on a chalkboard: talking and chomping their way through the whole movie...two young women next to me went through the following snacks during the movie--nacho chips, hot pretzel bites, popcorn, gummi bears, Twizzlers, some sort of chocolate malted thing and two large cokes. I had a Luna bar. (Clearly, I do not know how to have fun at a movie.) These two women continued to comment on the most obvious moments of the movie ("ooh, he's got a gun"; "he's a demon!"etc). After shushing them once, I was on the receiving end of a look of death, and I decided to choose life and not shush them again.

I have to admit, I was expecting Van Helsing--a cheesy CGI-fest in which a hunky star battles the forces of darkness. But I actually liked this new movie starring Keanu Reeves (even though is now and forever our Ted "Theodore"Logan). Maybe it was my steady diet of Angel and Buffy over the last fewyears that did it, but I kept seeing elements that I liked in the whole that was Constantine.

Take Neo, first and foremost, because it is the role of Reeves' career, and because The Matrix and "bullet time" will probably inform any sci-fi work from here on in. Add an Indiana Jones good vs. evil archaeological artifact-centered back story, Dogma-brand explanations of thebalance of the universe, and ice this cake with with Buffy-style banter and deadpan delivery. Then, lacquer the movie in James Bond polish. Sure, some of the demons look familiar after this much sci-fi, but that's par for the course. (I would be really interested in hearing the opinion of someone who saw the movie and is also a fan of the original comic book; I thought HELLBOY was pretty good, but I seem to recall the fanboys not being so happy with the result.)

Sure, the CGI is there, but there's (surprise!) an actual story! And it also has (shock and awe!) good performances from Tilda Swinton, Djimon Honsou andGavin Rossdale (that's right, both members of the Rossdale/Stefani household are double billing it this year--I guess the rock-and-roll lifestyle's more expensive than they thought if each of them needs to take a second job ). I did not even recognize Shia LeBeouf (who once joked that in Yiddish and French, his name means "save the beef"), buthe provided excellent comic relief and genuinely entertaining moments as Short Round to Keanu's Dr. Jones. Rachel Weisz, while key to the plot and far from the standard hapless female foil, wasn't all that in this movie. Not because she's not a good actress, but because she's like four good actresses. Rachel shares a face with: Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, and when the light hits her right, Winona Ryder. Same face, different actresses. Just like Portia and Drea.

During the waning moments of the movie, I started to think about life, afterlife, and the concepts of heaven and hell in the Jewish tradition. And then, I focused on Keanu's abs. Because this movie was not a philosophical polemic...or WAS IT? When I arrived home, there was an email in my inbox inviting me to download the CONSTANTINE Bible study guide, to help me (as a "savvy ministry leader") "harness the interest in spiritual things that the Warner Brothers film will create." The email predicted: "Everyone, and I mean everyone, will be talking about salvation, sin, forgiveness, and spiritual welfare, all because of Constantine." (So, you heard it here first, Christian ministry leaders who read my blog looking for discussion topics...)

In summary, CONSTANTINE won't win any awards, but my opinion is that it has enough of all the things that we look for in a movie. It's a diversion. There's humor, which is always welcome for the world-weary, and some superficial discussion of what God's expectations are of the human race, itself a topic for constant discussion and speculation, but ultimately with no ratifiable resolution. Some people voiced their confusion loudly upon leaving the theater, but I didn't overthink it. CONSTANTINE surpassed my expectations. And that's all's I got to say about that.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES...

As I previously said, I'm having some problems switching over to Typepad, so you may encounter posting problems when you try to comment. So far, seems like the comments are being recorded by the system (and I get them emailed to me), but are not always posted immediately. Your patience is appreciated...

COMEDY DOMINATION: THE NEW PLAN

Since the Daily Show does NOT seem about to hire me as an entertainment consultant (I guess there's no comeback in the cards for "We Heart Showbiz") and since I am therefore NOT poised for discovery by Comedy Central (my favorite network since 1993), I've had to do some contingency planning.

From MediaWeek:
Comedy Central reached a deal to finance Jon Stewart’s production company, Busboy Productions, that guarantees the network a first-look at all television projects that are developed by the shop.

So, here's the new plan:

1) Create television project.
2) Find corporate offices of Busboy Productions.
3) Camp out there until the next Star Wars movie opens.
4) Go back and revise step 3.
5) Skip steps 4 and 5 entirely and proceed directly to step 6.
6) Procure appointment with Busboy development executive.
7) Wow him with original concepts, DVD of my Rosh Hashanah appearance on Good Day NY, and old grainy videotape of an improv show I did four years ago.
8) Fall in love with development executive (did I mention he's single and Jewish?)
9) Announce engagement the same day that development deal is made public, and field deals for a reality show following two comedy professionals from engagement to chuppah.
10) Co-executive produce show with brother Simmy and with Stewart, who is so impressed with my perspective and ability to break kosher Triaminic-related stories more than two weeks before Stephen Colbert that he drafts me for occasional segments on Jews in Hollywood.

And end scene.

[APPLAUSE]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BREAKFAST CLUB

The year was 1985. I was in high school. So were Bender, Allison, Claire, Andrew ("Sporto") and Brian.

20 years later, they are still in high school, dancing in the library, eating Captain Crunch and Pixie Stix sandwiches and throwing cold cuts at statues.

But after two decades, you learn things about your Shermer High School friends that maybe you didn't know: For instance, Bender (Judd Nelson) could have been played by John Cusack or Nicolas Cage. Might Molly have made a better basket case than Ally did? It was a thought that the producers had at some point over the casting process.

For more, see this article. It contains several top five lists of things you didn't know about the Breakfast Club, including the tantalizing tidbit that writer/director John Hughes has an hour of additional footage that didn't make the studio's final cut. Petitionsonline, anyone?

IDEA: Ally Sheedy and Molly Ringwald are both now living in New York. Write and launch a play reviving the two female characters--called "Because You're Letting Me"--that goes inside the bathroom where Claire gives Allison a makeover 20 years ago. The acting challenge: have Ally play Claire, and Molly play Allison. Their conversation runs to boys, social structure, and "carrying this much shit in your bag."

"THE SKINNY ON USING THE F-WORD"

My new column in the Jewish Week, "The Skinny on Using the F-Word," is now available online. Enjoy!

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO...HMMMM....

February 20 is the 64th birthday of singer-songwriter Buffy Sainte-Marie. However, it is also the 51st birthday of actor Anthony Stewart Head, who portrayed Watcher/crooner Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Coincidence?

CHANGE IS HARD

Change is hard. Everyone says so. And after spending hours trying to transfer my posts from Blogger to Typepad, I'm inclined to agree.

So yes, my threat to move away from Blogger is not quite an empty one, nor has it totally come to fruition. I do hope that this will all be resolved shortly, and I will then be welcoming you to the new and improved My Urban Kvetch--a new Kvetch for a new year. (Yes, this was supposed to be done in January.)

Hopefully, my fairy blogmother can help me out. Stay tuned for more of the same kvetch times at this same kvetch channel.

CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Hello, boys and girls. And welcome to the hall of celebrity spiritual weirdness.

Kabbalah : Madonna :: Scientology : ________________

Here's another clue:

Agent Mulder: Uncovering alien conspiracy at FBI:: _____________: Uncovering alien conspiracy in the entertainment industry

Still nothing? OK, one more.

Adam: tilling the soil of the Garden of Eden:: ____________:ridding Planet Earth of nuclear Scientology-blocking aliens

Give up? Today's Scientology-crazed celeb is former "Dharma and Greg" costar Jenna Elfman.

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

OK, I know. L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics. Life-changing spiritual approach embraced by Tom Cruise. Yada, yada, yada. I had no idea that nuclear aliens were involved. Maybe some of my readers want to weigh in on the positive aspects of Scientology, so I'm not being totally unfair? Please do. In the interim, let's read on:

She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Is the entertainment industry really "home to rabid suppression"? Or does she mean...something else???*

An unconfirmed source from inside my head has supplied credible evidence to support the fact that Madonna is assembling a team of top Kabbalists who will kidnap Elfman, bring her to the Kabbalah Centre and wrap her in red string until she requests a bottle of Kabbalah water.

(Mental note: Do not accept offers of Kool-Aid from Jenna Elfman, even if it is made with Kabbalah water.)

*I'm not saying that she's an anti-Semite. I'm just saying that if you replace the word suppression with the word Jews, it's a whole different story. Not that I'm paranoid. Because there's no truth to the stereotype about the Jews running the media. Otherwise, I'd have my own show. I'm just sayin'.

TONIGHT: "SCRUBS" HAS A LAUGH TRACK

Clay Aiken! Low-cut scrubs! Colin Hay, from Men at Work!!

Tonight's Scrubsapalooza features a complete departure from their usual, low-key, non-laugh tracky goodness in favor of a foray into the traditional conventions of the multi-camera sitcom:

Via Zap2It:

"All the patients in the beds will be models and very handsome, very attractive," [Scrubs creator Bill]Lawrence says a few days prior to the shoot, which harkens back to his time working on shows like "Spin City" and "Friends." "All the female doctors will, for some reason, be wearing low-cut scrubs. Everything that a sitcom might do."

The sitcom premise is an extended fantasy sequence by J.D. (Braff), who's treating a man who once wrote for "Cheers" (Ken Lerner, himself a sitcom vet). Lawrence also wants the episode to be a thank-you to the show's audience by inviting some of them to watch the show being made -- something that doesn't happen during a normal week, when "Scrubs" is shooting at an abandoned hospital in North Hollywood.

"What we're trying to do in the middle of it, even though we're doing sitcommy stories and sitcommy things, is ultimately have a great experience for the fans," he says. "Which means we're still writing funny jokes. So I hope people will like it on two levels -- hopefully they'll watch it and laugh because we took time to write really funny stuff, and on some level be enjoying the fact that we're tweaking the format a little bit."

OK, Bill. You don't have to twist my arm. I'll be watching. And I know several other interested parties who will likely tune in for this stunt.

But I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a citation for excessive use of the non-word "sitcommy."

"YOUR EPIDERMIS IS SHOWING"

And the winner, for best karaoke song rendered while naked and behind a screen, goes to Ray and Marie LeBrun, for their rendition of Bob Seger's "Fire Down Below."

Why'd they win? For their pioneering spirit. For their bravery. For their willingness to go all the way.

And because they were the only ones.

Earlier in the evening, the assembled crowds weren't sure that anyone at all would dare to bare both souls and bodies through song:

There better be nude singing," said Rick Smolicz, a New Britain resident who arrived at 5 p.m. to get a seat. "I spent $60 on liquor so far, and if there is no one singing naked, I'm going to be talking to someone about this bill."

As word spread among those who waited for the show to begin that any naked singing would be done behind a privacy screen, most agreed that the event was still "worth it.""I mean, do you see anyone in here you would really want to see naked and singing?" Chuck Beers said as he surveyed the room. "The curtain will probably be a blessing."

Beers is absolutely right. I've been to karaoke on the Upper East Side, and even that crowd isn't buffworthy. (Speaking of Buff, as Buffy might have said: "Beers...foamy, good.")

Another note? "Chuck Beers" is an imperative sentence.

"Oh, it was fun," said Marie LeBrun, who added that neither she nor her husband planned to tell their three children about the performance.

I would say their secret's out now. If asked to explain their behavior to their three children, I would advise the LeBruns to go with: "We were totally drunk, and did something that we regret--see? Alcohol is BAD."

JEWLICIOUS, THE BLOG: THE TRIP

“You’ve got your blog in my Israel trip!”

“No, you’ve got your Israel trip in my blog!”

“Wait a minute…it’s a blog that becomes an Israel trip! Mmm, this trip is Jewlicious!”

Not since chocolate met peanut butter has a pairing been so natural. Jewlicious—which is Algonquin for “Bloggers Who Win in Two Categories”—is now putting its Zionism where its feet are. In what is certainly the first instance of blog-morphing-into-Israel-trip that I’m aware of, Jewlicious and birthright Israel are partnering for a new approach to traveling the Holy Land.

The deal: birthright is for Jews ages 18-26 (why only till age 26? I think because it’s “bar mitzvah times two”) who have never been to Israel on a peer trip before. And the trip is free. Registration starts March 3.

If you are Jewish, in the target age range and have never been to Israel, I can’t think of a better way to recommend you see the Holy Land. Laya and CK, two of Jewlicious’s bloggers, are also experienced birthright madrikhim (counselors), and are certain to bring their irreverent edge to this program of intense Israel appreciation.

This trip is so going to rock. I can’t wait to see Jewlicious: The Trip—The Blog. (That is the blog of the Israel trip that's being led by the blog.) And then, the inevitable: Jewlicious: The Trip--The Blog: The Musical.

JIB AWARDS: UNRATIFIED RESULTS ARE IN

Well, it's been a long month or so, as Jewish and Israeli blogs battled it out, some through amity and others through enmity, in competition for the JIB Awards. Polling is now closed, and the unratified results can be viewed here. But to sum up, for a new blog that isn't overwhelmed by traffic on any given day, we did very well here at My Urban Kvetch. And FOEs (Friends of Esther) did pretty well too.

In Best New Blog, we placed third, behind #1 FOE Jewlicious and Treppenwitz, who I'll have to check out now.

In Best Culture Blog, MUK was fourth and JDatersAnonymous came in eighth. The winners were Jewlicious, Sha and Jewschool (one of the first blogs I started reading a year ago).

In Best Personal Blog, AriGoesDown blew the competition out of the water with help from her minions. But that's okay. Ari was the first person to invite me to cross over from the virtual "I read your blog" world into the actual "we're having a book club, why don't you come and meet other bloggers" world. #2 was Treppenwitz again, then FOE Chayyei Sarah (who was robbed in Best Series--her Shabbat posts were amazing, even if the Jewish blogosphere didn't recognize them...read them all here). Other FOEs in this category were writersbloc and Superjux, so I'm giving them an honorable mention.

And in the most hotly contested category, Best Humor Blog, My Urban Kvetch was a solid second. But with an even solider #1 was Protein Wisdom. #3 was a vocal and determined DovBear. You remember...DovBear accused me of being the Bride of Satan. Whereas we all know full well that if I had been the bride of anything, my parents would have pictures of it. But it's all good. We're all friends. And we can all move on.

A congrats to Lisa On the Face, who took Best Life in Israel blog. (Check out her series on how she got to Israel.)

And since there were many great blogs who didn't place in the top three in categories where I thought they would, I'm including my own list of honorable mentions. They are classy, entertaining, humorous blogs deserving of a click and a blogroll:

An Unsealed Room
Bloghead
Chez Miscarriage
Seraphic Secret
Renegade Rebbetzin
Jack's Shack
Passionate Life

The point of the JIB Awards was not simply to win. (Although it would have been nice.) Dave at IsraellyCool, who organized the awards, always had in mind that the Awards would help us to become aware of other Jewish- and Israel-related blogs, in the hope of bringing we who wander the blogosphere a little closer to a virtual Promised Land. So check them out, and if you like them, stay a while. Leave comments. Become part of the community.

This community has been wonderful to me, and I'm gratified that you keep coming back. Thank you!

A VERY BRADY NIP/TUCK

There's nothing like keeping romance all in the family.

There's not a soul my age who's unaware of the famous "Barry Williams/Florence Henderson" date that shook the very foundations of the Bradyverse (until, as Ethan Hawke's character pointed out in "Reality Bites," Mr. Brady died of AIDS).

And now FX's Nip/Tuck is having its own "very Brady moment."

Joely Richardson and John Hensley, co-stars of the plastic surgery dramedy Nip/Tuck, are dating. (They've apparently been linked since October, and no one breathed a word to me.)

On the show, Hensley plays an 18-year-old (whose most recent involvement was with trans-sexual life coach played by Famke Janssen). But he's really 27. And Richardson, who plays his mother, is 39.

Maybe one of the actors out there can explain to me how two actors can fall in love and have a passionate personal romantic relationship, and then return to set and act like mother and son. I know, I know. It's called acting. Is it ok that that's not a sufficient explanation for me? What if they decide to get married? Isn't that weird for the chemistry of the show?

One thing I will say. I love this show, and not just because everyone in the cast is so damn hot. I think we get new episodes in June.

"Excuse me, Dr. Television? The patient is all prepped and ready for her brain surgery. Your scalpel, sir."

GANDOLFINI'S WEAPON OF CHOICE: CARBS

For those of you who always knew James Gandolfini--and carbohydrates--were dangerous...

Apparently, the Sopranos pater familias decided that several of his fellow castmates deserved to get whacked. By bread and light snacks.

I say if the mob's gonna rub you out, best to die by carbs.

THEORETICALLY

You know that kid on the playground? The one who called you a stupid-head, or a kaka-brain, or who was more than gleeful to be able to tell you that you had more than a few cooties? His persistence was obnoxious, even if his comments held no truths or resonance. He was more annoying than harmful, even to the fragilest egos. He was the one who would pull your pigtails, then run away before you could find a teacher. When you were growing up, adult figures told you not to play with kids like him--if you ignore him, he'll go away. But the truth is, he never goes away, and never really changes.

From those early interchanges on the playground, it's not immediately clear how he'll evolve into an adult. He might become a lawyer, or a doctor, or an actor: a profession in which he's paid to talk and people pay to listen. The only thing you know for sure is that after the recess of your education is over, he vanishes. And you're glad.

You grow up, get a job, a life, etc. So does he. Theoretically. He grows physically, often intellectually, even reaching a place where he can use language fairly effectively. He might become a writer of sorts, immerse himself in himself (as he always liked to do), and emerge on the other side of the struggle as a scraggly, cantankerous, provocative version of his younger, pigtail-pulling self.

He has learned from his time on the playground that if you hate someone, you don't have to have logic on your team; you just need to assert yourself, louder than anyone else. He has learned that the pen is mightier than the sword, and that he can pull your emotional pigtails much more effectively if he can infect others with his opinion, and effect a manner of wounding even wider than usual.

Say there's a former playground-dweller who has refused to take a recess from his desire to make other people feel uncomfortable and unworthy. Say he finds himself on a different kind of asphalt, but with the adult-size representations of the kids he liked to make uncomfortable when he was a kid...

Say it's because of his own feelings of displacement that he's internalized the lesson that making other people feel bad about themselves, their professional ability and their worthiness generates an intoxicating power. Say he's masquerading as a paragon of religious virtue, but his actions convey a certain sense of Satanic soullessness.

Say you become aware of such a man-child, so consumed with himself-as-empty-calories that he feels the need to take cheap shots at others without cause. And say he's selected you as his target. In loco parentis, on a protoplasmic level, your cells are screaming, "ignore him, and he'll go away." But you can't, because you are wounded, however mildly and illogically, by this person who doesn't even know enough of you or your work to make the statements he makes. You know it's wrong to engage him. "It's what he wants," your inner voice warns.

So you don't engage him directly. You do what you can with the tools available. And you hope that he doesn't notice that he's gotten to you, because you want to be so much better than that. But you can't help your humanity. And that's where you differ.

Say there's someone out there (and there is someone out there) who always seems to hate what you've written. He spews negativity about you and your work. And yet, he keeps reading you.

You might wonder what his motivation is.

I'm just saying.

SHOW ME YOUR, AHEM, TALENT

At last--karaoke singers can bare their souls without the pesky restrictions of clothing.

BERLIN, Conn. Feb 9, 2005 — After a yearlong fight with the town, a bar is going ahead with a plan to have patrons belt out ballads in the buff. On Saturday night, the Berlin Station Cafe is scheduled to hold its controversial "Naked Karaoke" event.

Which begs the question...which songs are the best ones to be rendered au naturel?

My list:

1) See Me, Hear Me, Touch Me, Feel Me--because it's always helpful for nude singers to issue instructions to their audiences.
2) Paradise by the Dashboard Light--because a classic duet about teenage sex (which contains baseball commentary) becomes so much more seminal when the singers are nekkid.
3) The Stroke--because Billy Squier's ode is that much more poignant when accompanied by a visual.
4) Do You Love Me?--oops, no need to ask: I can see for myself.
5) Dress You Up (in My Love)--this Madonnesther song has love-as-clothing imagery, as well as multiple warblings of "from your head down to your toes" that potentially leads to suggestive choreography.
6) Rumpshaker/Baby Got Back/Bootylicious/The Humpty Dance--no explanations necessary.

More songs to be added to the list as I consider this today, and as my readers write in with their own...

JIB FINALS UPDATE: LET'S JUST SAY I'M NOT WINNING...

I hate to say it, but I'm losing this competition.

Who knew the race for JIB greatness would create carnage the likes of which have been unseen since Middle Earth's Battle of Helm's Deep...

Sarah says that a vote for her is a vote for world peace.

DovBear, beginning to understand that he's not going to win (perhaps as punishment for inferring that I'm maritally involved with Satan), has conceded.

Jack (not my brother) has launched his master plan to sweep the 2014 JIB Awards. I say, good for him, but mostly because I hope that by 2014 I'll be too busy with my family and book tours to worry about where I rank with the blogosphere.

Although I'm still second in the Best Humor Blog race, it seems that no one can stand opposite Protein Wisdom, a monster blog I never heard of which apparently has some major pull with the blog-and-vote generation. Unless I get about 230 votes before Sunday, I'm not winning either.

(If I were a German movie, I'd be "Run Esther Run".)

Maybe I should have run a better campaign; hired Harvey Weinstein to promote the bejeezus out of my product. Too late now. I'm not conceding yet. Because I'm still hoping for a miracle.

As my Biblical namesake might have said, who knows if for this reason I have ascended to this place? I shall do what I need to do, and if I have lost, I have lost. If you haven't voted, and would like to, you can cast your votes here.

As a reminder, here are the categories in which I'm nominated:

Best New Blog 2004--My Urban Kvetch
Best Humor Blog--My Urban Kvetch
Best Personal Blog--My Urban Kvetch
Best Jewish Culture Blog--My Urban Kvetch or Jdaters Anonymous

Since Hilary Swank and Jamie Foxx don't seem to be nominated in this competition, I might just have a decent shot.

This finalist isn't demanding anyone's vote; there are many worthy nominees. However, should you wish to consider me in these categories, I would be most appreciative of the support. I would be especially grateful if you should see fit to vote for me as best humor blog--laughter is core to my being, and if I've made you laugh, it's the greatest reward I could ask for.

Voting is now open at IsraellyCool and runs through next Sunday. Each person is allowed to vote once. (Cheaters will have their votes removed like they did in the preliminary round, so don't do me any lyin' cheatin' favors by inflating the totals...)

Clicking here will take you to the voting page! And thanks to all of you for helping me get this far...

SINGLE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

Yup. Me too. But as this article at GenerationJ.com tells you, this holiday isn't about bemoaning your singlehood, it's about celebrating yourself. Or at least trying to.

The Single's Guide to a Heart-Smart Valentine's Day
GenerationJ.com
(February 2005)

INDIANA JEWS AND THE TEMPLE MOUNT DIRT

Grab your brown fedoras, your whips and your Zionism--the three must-have fashion items of the new century for all budding Jewish archaeologists--and head East. Due East. To Jerusalem...

Via a Yahoo! Group I belong to…:

As many of you may know, the Waqf Temple Mount Authority has been taking dirt from under Har HaBayit (The Temple Mount) for some years and dumping in the Kidron Valley in order to remove any historical/archaelogical proof of Jewish presence there. There is now a dig underway, run by PhD students at Bar Ilan University, that has recovered the dirt, brought it to Mt. Scopus and is sifting through it to catalog its contents. They are always in need of volunteers to help sift and clean the artifacts- it's a fantastic opportunity and a great way to experience history. If you'll be in Jerusalem, call this number: 011-972-52-470-5755.

Dirt can really travel in the Holy Land. From one mountain (the Temple Mount) to the valley, and now back up on a different Mount (Scopus). If anyone reads this and heads off to become trained as a Lord of the Sift, you are cordially invited to submit a summary of your experiences for posting on this blog.

SUCKS TO BE JEW: CIRCUMCISION ABSTRACT

Since everyone’s been captivated by the Tale of the Mohel and the Herpes (a messed-up fairy tale title if e’er there was one), when I found this medical abstract about oral suction used as a medical technique in ritual circumcision, I thought I’d post it here for your edification.

The abstract, which lists among its contributors YU’s Moshe Tendler and Hadassah Hospital’s Dan Engelhard, is courtesy of House of Hock:

For the abstract-reading-impaired-or-averse, here’s the bottom line (emphasis is mine):

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

Unafraid of a little education? Check out these additional background paragraphs. (You can absolutely read the whole thing, complete with footnotes and sources, if you want, but I'm warning you: there are photographs.)

According to Biblical law, a male infant should be circumcised at the age of 8 days as a sign of the eternal covenant between God and the Jewish people (Genesis 17:10–14; Leviticus 12:3). According to classical rabbinical interpretation, performance of this religious ritual offers medical advantages, a view upheld by many modern medical authorities, as noted earlier. The Babylonian Talmud (Sabbath 133b), the main rabbinical literature completed in the fifth century of the common era, states that for the sake of the infant, the mohel is obliged to perform the metzitzah" so as not to bring on risk." The nature of the risk was not specified. It specifically states that "this procedure is performed for the sake of the infant's safety and if a mohel does not perform the suction [of the wound], this is deemed dangerous and he is to be dismissed." To prevent medical complications, the Talmud permits only an experienced and responsible mohel to perform the ritual circumcision. The Talmud (Tossefta Shabbath 15:8) was aware of potential medical problems that could arise from ritual circumcision and in fact provided the first description of hemophilia in the history of medicine, manifested as a familial bleeding disorder that required circumcision to be postponed.

In the 19th century, Ignaz Philipp Semmelweis (1818–1865) established the principles of hygiene and disease transmission, after neonatal tuberculosis was documented after circumcision by an infected mohel. Since then, most rabbinical authorities modified their approach in response to these findings. Because the Talmudic injunction to perform metzitzah did not explicitly stipulate oral suction, >160 years ago, Rabbi Moses Schreiber (Pressburg, 1762–1839), a leading rabbinical authority, ruled that metzitzah could be conducted by instrumental suction, a ruling quickly adopted by most rabbinical authorities.

Consequently, the great majority of ritual circumcisions are performed today with a sterile device and not by oral suction by the mohel. However, some orthodox rabbis have felt threatened by criticism of the old religious customs and strongly resist any change in the traditional custom of oral metzitzah. The cultural process of replacing ancient customs by modern wound care has to be encouraged by a heightened awareness of this potentially life-threatening medical complication.

On the basis of our observations, the medicolegal impact of neonatal infection by the mohel has to be redefined. Our findings provide evidence that ritual Jewish circumcision with oral metzitzah may cause oral–genital transmission of HSV infection, resulting in clinical disease including involvement of the skin, mucous membranes, and HSV encephalitis. Furthermore, oral suction may not only endanger the child but also may expose the mohel to human immunodeficiency virus or hepatitis B from infected infants. The same consideration that led the Talmudic sages once to establish the custom of the metzitzah for the sake of the infant could now be applied to persuade the mohel to use instrumental suction.

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

RESISTANCE TO SJP IS FUTILE

So, last year, as we may recall, I interviewed Average Joe's Adam Mesh over lunch with his parents, and his mother made some very interesting comments about me.

And now, according to my answers on the Bravo Inside the Actor's Studio profile test, my closest match is:

Sarah Jessica Parker.

Clearly resistance is futile. So I'm calling it: I'm officially lookin' for an Aidan/Berger hybrid, with a little David Duchovny insanity thrown in.

No Mr. Bigs needed. We know how I feel about that.

Hat tip to Lyss.

"CAGE"-MATCH

Dear Nicolas Cage,

I was perusing my morning copy of New Kerala when I saw the news item about your enjoyment for karaoke. Apparently, one night of karaoke carousing led you to lose your voice on the set of National Treasure and you had to dub your lines in later...

Well, I challenge you to a karaoke duel...The Urban Kvetch vs. you, Indiana Clones.

Each of us picks a classic song and renders it Sex Pistols-style. She (or he) who rocks the loudest, wins. You may have the Coppola family in your court, but I've got the yeshiva education that breeds punk rebellion. I've rendered everyone from Guns and Roses to the Mamas and the Papas. Forget your playing twins in Adaptation. "Sweet Child O'Mine" to "Dream a Little Dream"? Now that's range, baby.

The stakes? A role in your next movie. Of course, you already have a role in your next movie, so why don't you just give me the prize now, and we can call it even. No need for you to be "beaten by a girl." Save yourself the embarrassment. In fact, since I'm unagented, have your agent call me with an offer of representation AND a script, and you can get credit for "discovering" me. Everybody wins.

As Gwen Stefani recently asked me, "Whatchu Waitin' 4"?

Most sincerely yours,

Esther

Kvetcher of Urbs /Queen of Karaoke

DATE-A-KATE

Getchyour Kate Dates, right here!

Kate #1, currently up for dates, was THE reason that supermodels (and real people) didn't eat in the 1980s. The former face of Calvin Klein is now single, and the up side, is that while dinner dates would have to take place at chic restaurants, the waif's part of the food bill is likely to be small.

Kate #2, recently separated from elf-to-end-all-elves Orlando Bloom, recently starred with Kevin Spacey in "Beyond the Sea" and first surfed a wave of popularity after appearing in "Blue Crush," which had so many women in bikinis that no one noticed that she has two different-colored eyes.

FOR HARDCORE BUFFY FANS ONLY 3

Thanks to Dawn Summers, the Key, for this alternate script for the Buffy finale. I have to say that I cried at the end.

Also, she raises the question of how you would rank the seasons of BTVS, with your highest-rated season first.

I couldn't actually rank them. But here are my expanded comments on trying:

1&2: Can't really rank them. 1 was so new. And 2 was so...two. I did enjoy the whole Spike/Angel thing. But Kendra irritated me, and although Juliet Landau did a perfect and memorable version of a former novitiate gone mental and vampiric, I never enjoyed the insane antics of Dru.

3: Loved the Mayor. And Snyder. And Faith. And that prom episode that always makes me cry. ("Class Protector." Buffy and Angel dance in formalwear. Giles says Wes has the emotional depth of a blueberry scone.) And the senior class empowerment (Cordy stakes a vamp!). Awesome all around. And I loved the Mayor.

4: Yay, Harmony's a vamp! I hated Adam as a villain. He eviscerated a little boy. That's just wrong. And Prof. Walsh? A-nnoy-ing. Hush was genius. Loved Buff's hand-motion. Oh you know what I mean. Heartbreaking Oz departure. (Although Veruca--bad.) Watch as Anya's hair changes lengths and colors, as if it has a will of its own! And Spike's impotence storyline--great. Buffy's possessed eyes in the finale are a little creepy. But I suppose that's the point. Great that Willow, Xander and Giles could do a mind-meld with her just in time to save the day.

5: "Glory is Ben! And Ben is Glory!" "Did anyone ever notice that Glory and Ben are never around together?" I love that Spike sees it and no one else does. Awesome finale. ("This is our blood. Summers blood.")

As for 6, I cannot believe that no one mentioned the hilarious nerd antics of the Trio ("we are your arch nemesisesese...") or the genius of OMWF. That musical ep rocked my face off. But we all knew that already!

7's where I'm really not sure. I'm gonna have to view them again and let you know. But Season 5 and Firefly are in the Netflix queue ahead of Season 7, so the jury's out for a while.

Any Buffy moments you'd like to share?

(And yes, I'm aware that some people think Angel's a better show, and I'm not going to argue. I like 'em both. Let's move on.)

MIRVIS RESPONDS TO SHALIT

I'm definitely starting her book today. But in the interim, here's Tova Mirvis's response to last week's Wendy Shalit piece.

Obviously, I agree with Mirvis over Shalit. Among other salient points, Mirvis states:

Literature in service of some other value is not literature, or at least not good literature. When we require our novels to promote, idealize and proselytize, we strip them of their capacity to explore, express, examine and, most importantly, imagine other lives besides those we actually live. The act of reading lets all of us be inside and outside at the same time.

From Judging a Book By Its Head Covering
(The Forward) February 4, 2005

Thanks to Miriam for the link. And if you wanted to read my response to this article, here's a handy-dandy, chronological catalog of my posts about the role of religion in writing and in my life:

Introduction/Recap
Author's Note
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

WWJB? (WHAT WOULD JEEVES BLOG?)

Ask Jeeves just bought Bloglines. Just thought y'all would want to know. They have a new Ask Jeeves blog, which one hopes will become slightly more interesting than it currently is...

Via Napsterization.

PS: C loves Bloglines, and she introduced me to it too. Bloglines and I have been very happy together. But I doubt we're spending Valentine's Day together. That's okay, though. Stay tuned for the link to my new GenerationJ.com article about this weekend's purported holiday of romance.

RED (string) BULL, or DRINK'D

Ashton Kutcher in talks to hawk Kabbalah energy drink?

“We’re going after the Red Bull market,” spokesman Darin Ezra told The Scoop. “But Kabbalah Energy Drink tastes better. And it’s infused with Kabbalah water, which is holy water.” So does it have mystical healing powers, like Kabbalah water is supposed to? “I’m not going to comment on that,” said Ezra.

He says that Kutcher, Madonna, and Demi Moore are currently trying out the Kabbalah energy drink, and may agree to be its spokesman. The product has been launched in a very limited market in Southern California, and will go wider shortly, with a major media campaign of radio, print and television and the tag line: “Source of Power.” Does this foreshadow a whole line of Kabbalah products? Say Kabbalah breakfast cereal and breath mints? “If it’s successful,” the spokesman says, “There will be more Kabbalah products.”

Personally, I'm waiting for the Diet version...

If Kabbalah water is holy water, does it also kill vampires?

But this got me thinking...what would be the weirdest Kabbalah product? You could pair the word Kabbalah with almost any product and charge double. But the idea is to come up with the most bizarre item.

Anyone?

I'm going to go with these hot merchandising ideas:

1) Kabbalah Tofurkey
2) Kabbalah Disposable "Soul" Inserts (for shoes)
3) Kabbalah Contact Lens "Soul-ution" (made with Kabbalah water, of course)
4) The Kabbalah Superbowl Halftime Show

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 4

"Write What You Know": The Role of Jewish Education

Growing up, I received a modern, co-ed, Orthodox day school education and lived in a community where traditional observance was easy. My friends and their parents belonged to the same synagogues that my parents and I belonged to.

On paper, we all received the same education. But my high school did not churn out mindless clones. We all became individuals, with our own opinions and our own interpretations of what we learned. Today, some of them are not observant at all. Many are still Orthodox, and some have become even more religious than we ever imagined.

But many others live in the same kind of denominational limbo where I am: unwilling to give up on an observant lifestyle (and unwilling to accept a future where such a lifestyle is ruled out), but with a lot of intellectual dissonance. I know this because I have encountered them along the common road that we travel, searching for a resonant expression of Judaism that we haven’t found yet. We have discovered that to an extent, nurture doesn’t matter. You can provide educational tools, and an environment that’s friendly to observance, but how individuals integrate theology and observance into their lives is a matter of individuated nature, not communal pressures.

For these yeshiva graduates gone “wild” (wherein “wild” means independent), I don’t believe that it’s the familiarity of tradition breeding contempt. I do believe that it is the attempt to integrate a strict education into a contemporary lifestyle that engenders questioning. The more you know, the less likely you are to blindly accept "the package deal"; the more you know, the more questions you have. And the more you know, the less likely you will be pacified with an answer like “because we’ve always done it that way.”

When I left the dayschool environment for a secular university, I soon discovered that pretty much everyone on the floor of my dorm was Jewish. But there still wasn’t a lot of observance. I became the floor expert; people called me “SuperJew” and “Rabbi,” nicknames that baffled me because I felt far from either. For many, I was observant Judaism’s representative at Rutgers; because of my education, I found myself with knowledge that other people lacked. I found myself remembering all those trips from camp when they reminded us that we weren’t just representing Camp Ramah, but that we were representing the Jewish people, and therefore should be on our best behavior. I answered other people’s questions and challenges of Jewish observance, but didn’t spend the proper time answering my own questions.

As a result, when I write today, I grapple with authenticity, education, power, authority, authenticity, empowerment, tradition, feminism, modernity, identity and everything under the sun. It doesn’t mean that I have rejected everything that challenges me. But it doesn’t mean I accept it blindly either. How much more so would this be the case if I wrote primarily fiction...I would, per the standard advice, “write what I know,” which is the exploration of a committed Jewish identity between movements, an analysis of what works and what doesn’t and for whom and when and why. As they seek their own truth within their art, fiction writers with similar backgrounds are also likely to struggle with such themes.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 3

"Ortho-Bashers"

From Sandee Brawarsky’s column in this week's New York Jewish Week:

When asked to comment on criticism of her blurred distinctions between literature and journalism or sociology, [Shalit] says, “The problem is that these books are sold as ‘authentic’ portrayals of Orthodox life, and also reviewed as such — therefore I think it’s a fair question to ask: How authentic are these portraits, really?” She explains that she wrote the essay “to spark a discussion, so it’s healthy that we’re having this debate now in the Jewish world,” she says, adding, “We’re at a very exciting moment in American Jewish fiction because the monopoly of the Ortho-bashers is ending.”

While the term “monopoly of the Ortho-bashers” is a terrific soundbyte, is this at all what’s happening in contemporary Jewish literature? Does exploration, challenge and intellectual consideration constitute bashing? And how much of a book’s marketing, a decision that I understand is made primarily by publishers, is to be blamed on the author? Are these pieces of literature designed to incinerate religious Jewish life?

My opinion? The bottom line, for me, is that these books are not about Ortho-bashing. No novel is going to take down traditional Judaism. The last few years alone have seen a few anthologies containing stories that were definitely outside the mainstream of religious Judaism, but which were clearly reflective of the struggle of contemporary Jews. (Paul Zakrzewski’s Lost Tribe: Jewish Fiction from the Edge and Melvin Jules Bukiet’s Neurotica are two notable examples.)

People who are determined to come to a negative conclusion after reading of a fictional protagonist’s experience are going to do so, no matter how lovingly the portrait of observance is rendered. Similarly, people who are committed to Judaism, on whatever level, are going to understand that one character’s challenge of observance doesn’t necessarily constitute a wholesale condemnation of all Jewish religious practice, even if the fictional character is a religiously involved Jew who rejects the system in its entirety. The bias that each discerning reader brings to a work of literature is part of their personality, and necessarily tints their perspective on the words they read off the page. It's the rare work of literature that can override this kind of already-ingrained personal theology.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 2

The Role of Religion

Religion, and the degree to which one is religiously observant, can be a major obstacle to relationships of all sorts—romantic, family or professional. In this role, religion is pretense, as is faith; the observant Jew filters everything through the lens of religion. But one of the big problems with identifying a particular mode of religious observance as “authentic” is that it establishes a hierarchy of morality, creates parameters for dissent and breeds enmity instead of amity.* Because of the emotional stake that religious observance has, to families and to the Jewish community at-large, it makes an excellent literary device.

In my own writing, the nonfiction that’s become my hallmark and the fiction that no one’s ever seen, religion is almost always a major influence because it presents a challenge to the modern person. The challenge can also be a personal one—how much of our practice is based in faith and how much in training? Does a religious education constitute thought control, the fulfillment of a divine mandate, or a methodology that we can consider and adapt for our own purposes? If something is not meaningful to us, can we change it? Or is our tradition an inviolable law? Is there inherent authenticity to be found, or is every heartfelt connection an authenticity of sorts?
These are issues that modern Jews grapple with on a regular basis; the battlefield is sometimes internal, but more often can take a public form, as denominations engage in public preenings of self-righteousness. (“We’re authentic,” says one. “No you’re not,” says another, “because authentic Judaism would never include X.” “You’re both wrong,” says a third, “because you’re completely discounting the contemporary role of Y and Z.”) The more one is involved in these kinds of discussions that aren’t really discussions, the more that the Jewish community continues its bickering over priorities at the expense of Jewish pluralism, and the more disenchanted individuals can become. (Also, I can tell you from personal experience that the longer someone is single, the more he or she considers the merits of flexibility and adaptation over a stalwart clinging to “the way it’s always been done.”)

A writer’s choice to include diverse views does not necessarily indicate that author’s ideology. His or her irreverence, playing with the language and laws of Judaism in a contemporary context, is the right of the writer/thinker/Jew, and makes for both interesting reading and high-stakes conflict between the modern, dynamic world and the staid unmalleability of tradition. In fact, it would be most fortuitous if people who read these works of struggle were inspired to think about the statement this makes about the contemporary Jewish community.


*Some people think this isn’t a bad thing, that insisting that only Orthodoxy is authentic establishes a high set of standards for Jewish observance. As Frumster would put it, you’re either a particular kind of Orthodox, or you’re “Traditional but growing.” The growth in question allows for people to find their own way, but the assumption is that finding that way to Orthodox observance is always the goal.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 1

Not to Generalize…But

Generalizations become generalizations because they contain a substantial element of truth. So do stereotypes; in contemporary fiction and drama, the authors use these larger assumptions to draw the outlines of family dynamics, character, establish points of confluence and conflict, and create an illustrated counterpoint, a 3-dimensional set for the action of the story.

On lumping all members of a group together in terms of dress and behavior, one can only say that to an extent, in a larger sense, this is also a very human reaction. We all jump to our own conclusions of people based on their appearance, behavior and the company they keep. We think “he looks like a gangster, and dresses like a gangster, so he’s probably a gangster, and I should move to another subway car.” Unfair, yes—but a truthful human reaction. But substitute the word “chasid” for “gangster” and suddenly you’re being unfair to all Orthodox Jews.

The double standard works in both directions: when the outwardly Orthodox see a man not wearing a kippah, the assumption is that he’s not Jewish. If they find out he is Jewish, they assume that he is not knowledgable. (The same bias exists for Jewish women who wear pants and are therefore assumed to be secular and ignorant of traditional Judaism.)

That’s the basic level. If you encounter someone who is outwardly affiliated with one group, your tendency (however unfair) is to assume that the person you’ve met is a representative of that group. The problem emerges when you consider that inside the outward affect of affiliation with a group, each person is an individual, capable of individual choices—admirable and reprehensible and everywhere in between.

In Israel, I once met a pious-seeming man who wore a kippah, and based on that outward affect, made an assumption that he could be trusted; within an hour, it became clear that he was more sinner than saint. If that had been my first interaction with an “Orthodox kippah man,” I might have been turned off to all overt expressions of Judaism, assuming that such outwardly Jewish men were inwardly two-faced and untrustworthy. Especially in such cases of religious hypocrisy, wherein someone advocates a strictly religious lifestyle and behaves in a most immoral and unrepresentative manner; this kind of experience can teach the observer that most basic of human and literary lessons: that things are not always what they seem to be.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: AUTHOR'S NOTE

This may not surprise any of my regular readers, but it turns out that my response is running so extremely long that I'm breaking it up into chapters. (I know. Bear with me.) Apparently, I have a lot of opinions that are kind of inspired by, instead of being a direct reaction to, the Shalit piece.

I know it sounds like a mini-course in Jewish literature, but themes will include:

Generalization
The Role of Religion in Writing
The Role of Jewish Education
Orthobashing

Stay tuned...first chapter to be posted shortly.

'OBSERVANT READER': INTRODUCTION/RECAP

This is the fourth time I'm trying this through Blogger. Damn it. Keeps trashing my posts even after I've saved them as drafts. The damn URL links erase the rest of the post....

I cannot wait to move to Typepad.

Take 4 begins now.

For those of you who missed it (and this is admittedly an oversimplified summary), in her piece in last Sunday’s New York Times, Wendy Shalit points to the new trend in contemporary Jewish fiction: protagonists who grapple with Orthodox Judaism. She points to prominent writers who “have renounced Orthodox Judaism—or those who were never really exposed to it to begin with” as portraying “deeply observant Jews in an unflattering or ridiculous light.”

She tells of her own embrace of observant Judaism, and her joy at seeing that the stereotypes of religious people that she had been exposed to were not true. She also brings up the notion of outsiders and insiders, and who has a more authentic perspective.

The whole issue of inside versus outside is a question of authenticity, itself a matter that is the source of much personal struggle and communal contention for Jews of all stripes. Who has the right to call themselves a Jew? Who has the educational background that qualifies them to speak on Jewish issues? Who among us has been sufficiently immersed in a particular expression of Judaism to become an expert, even a fictionalized one?

I don’t consider myself Orthodox. Or necessarily affiliated with any major label of Judaism. Except maybe LOBSTr. But I’m fairly knowledgable Jewishly and Hebraically, and I’m also a writer; I'm in a state of constant questioning, and juggling my various identities to avoid from dropping any of them. So perhaps that makes me enough of an insider and an outsider to be able, at least, to write this essay semi-intelligently. One hopes.

(To be continued...)

TODAY'S LESSON: PUT THE BLOG FIRST

Before career. Before paycheck. Before social life.* Before all those things, I must prioritize the blog.

The blog is good. The blog, for lack of a better word, works. Must put the blog first.

I've been scooped on too many stories this week. By the time I weigh in on the treatment of observant Judaism in literature, the State of the Union, CampusJ, a romance well-deserved...it's all over the blogosphere, and I may not have anything to add.

(Of course, I'll still do the piece about literature; it's part of my development as a creative person struggling to discover the best personal expression of my Judaism, in my life and in my work.)

*Note to my parents if they're reading this: Don't worry. The paycheck's still important. And I'm not planning on writing the singles column forever.

PRELUDE TO A RESPONSE

I’ve been trying to piece together a coherent response to Wendy Shalit’s piece on "The Observant Reader" in the Sunday NY Times, but keep hitting wall after wall. Perhaps it’s because I feel like I'm constantly on deadline for other projects, or perhaps it’s that I just can’t wrap my brain around her premise. I’m finding it hard to address her points item-by-item; I think it’s just going to be its own essay.

In the interim, you may want to try:

Miriam
Allison Kaplan Sommer featuring Chayyei Sarah
Tova Mirvis via Chayyei Sarah

UPDATE:
DovBear
The Jewish Week

I'll be weighing in soon. One can hope, semi-intelligently.

THE DRAMA OF DATING

My new article, "The Drama of Dating," is now online at the Jewish Week website.
(NY Jewish Week, 02/04/05)

And oh, how I wish they had called me before they cut a phrase from my original opening (reproduced here for your convenience):

"Curtain up! Light the lights!" "It’s time to put on makeup, it’s time to dress up right!" It is here, somewhere between a Broadway show’s clarion anthem and the whimsical pre-curtain preparation and onstage goofiness of "The Muppet Show," that we encounter the drama of our dating lives.

Click here to read the whole article.

AMERICAN IDOLATRY

(Note to J.J. Abrams: As soon as Lost comes back with a new ep, I'm yours again, baby. But till then, I'm all about the Idol. A straight-up Idolater. Idolicious.)

Simon to Victor:
"If you manage to get a number one record in the next six months, I'll give you $100,000."

That is sheer genius. Watch the same bozos who gave William Hung a contract step up and give this guy a ludicrous, laughable contract just to prove Simon Cowell wrong.

Jessica to camera:
"Simon says I have the most talent of everyone here. That I'm only 16 and I have this amazing voice."

What Simon actually said about Jessica:
"You are nowhere near ready. You need a lot of work. A lot of work."

This is why people love this show. Because people have incredibly intricate delusions of grandeur. And because we wouldn't be Americans if we didn't enjoy seeing people's dreams crushed and obliterated on national television.

STEWART SEEKS 'APPRENTICE'

Finally a show worth watching.

What's that? Martha Stewart? Oh.

Yawn. Someone wake me when Jon Stewart seeks his 'Apprentice.'

WEIGHT I CAN GAIN JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM...

I hesitate to share this link, as I might be enabling all sorts of unhealthy eating habits by disseminating this information. Blame the Urban Achiever, for tempting me with information on where to get Marzipan rugelach in the US.

Going to the website, I learn that each rugelach (which is apparently plural as well as singular) contains almost a whole bar of chocolate. (That is CRAZY.) I shall not suffer the temptation of this tree of knowledge alone.

First things first, let's get the typo alert out of the way:

The Kosherfest press release reads:
Jerusalem Gourmet Rugalach Awarded Best New Desert Item by Kosherfest

(This could not be confirmed, but rumor has it that other "new desert items" included gummy cactus pie, new Mirage bottled water that tastes like whatever candy you want it to, and the world famous Arabian Sands cupcakes.)

At first, I was happy to see there were no Upper West Side distributors. Then I noticed the listing for Revaya, the cafe that's literally an around-the-corner, two-minute walk from one of the places where I do on-site work thrice weekly...and they are taking orders online. (It's pricey, though: $9.95 for twelve rugelach.)

Still no nutritional information, though. (I'm assuming that means they're fat-free, meet all the US RDA of valuable nutrients and are a good source of protein, iron and fiber.)

There. Now you must all be keepers of the knowledge. Use it wisely.

I'D LIKE A BRIS-KIT ON WRY

I don't even know where to start with this story from the Daily News:

City health officials are investigating whether a baby boy died after contracting herpes from the rabbi who circumcised him, the Daily News has learned. The probe was launched after city officials realized that three infants in the city who tested positive for herpes last year all were circumcised by Rabbi Yitzchok Fischer. The Rockland County-based Fischer is a prominent mohel - someone who performs religious circumcisions.

I appreciate the Daily News' attempt at defining mohel. But I kind of feel like if you don't know what a mohel is, maybe you're not really a New Yorker. Or maybe you never saw an episode of Seinfeld.

Under Jewish law, a mohel is supposed to draw blood from the circumcision wound to remove impurities. While many mohels do it by hand, Fischer uses a practice little known outside ultra-Orthodox communities called metzizah bi peh, in which the mohel uses his mouth.

FWIW, I have never heard of this practice, but I know precious little about the mechanics of circumcisions. And I like to keep it that way. (Need-to-know basis: And I don't need to know.)

Hebrew lesson
The word metzitzah means "sucking." Not as in "this Dawson's Creek storyline is really sucking," as in "I gave the baby a motzetz (pacifier) so that when I'm not nursing he can still have the comfort of metzitzah." Bi peh, or more correctly (I think) ba'peh, means "by mouth" or "orally." (I'm gonna go with "ugh.")

Medical lesson
There are actually a number of herpesviruses. (Click here for a list and some pretty gross pictures that should tell you why medical school wasn't part of your professional plan.)

Herpesviruses are extremely common and around 100 have been identified in a variety of animal species. All of the herpesviruses are members of one family, the Herpesviridae, and have certain characteristics in common, such as their ability to establish latency during primary infection. This means that following initial infection the virus remains dormant, to be reactivated by certain triggers such as an individual’s immune status, stress or sunlight.

Only 8 of these viruses have been identified in humans. This list includes varicella zoster*, which causes chickenpox and shingles, and Epstein-Barr, which can often lead to infectious mononucleosis. I already knew this because when my old roommate got mono, I loved to tease her by telling her she had herpes. (It was way funny at the time. By the time I got mono four years later, the comedy had expired.)

But back to the story...my point is that we all assume that "herpes" means "genital herpes." And it may not. That's all I'm saying. The only thing funny about this story is the headline to this post. And even that, I freely admit, is more cringeworthy than funny.

As if parents of newborn Jewish boys didn't have enough to worry about...

UPDATE: A medical abstract about this custom....



*I can't swear to this, but I seem to recall a member of my parents' shul was named Varicella Zoster. It's quite a beautiful name, actually. I'll add it to my shortlist of baby names for my yet-to-be-conceived children. (Her Hebrew name will probably be "Vered" or "Varda.")

NOT ON REID'S LIST: "SMART"

Tara Reid wants you to be her boyfriend. (Well, not YOU. But maybe "one of yous".)

The 29-year-old voiced her need for a man in her life on Monday's (Jan. 31) episode of "The Ellen Degeneres Show," report news sources. "I want a nice guy, a nice, funny, good sense of humor, cute, obviously, you know, just a good guy," says Reid, urging the single male viewers to send in a 60-second tape of themselves to "audition" for the role of boyfriend.

Reasons to date Tara Reid:

1) Her range. She's even playing a scientist now, thanks to dark-framed glasses.
2) Wardrobe malfunctions make life exciting.
3) Thanks to TR's propensity toward wearing extra-low rider jeans and extra-high cut tops, you and her nutritionist can instantly see whether or not she's eaten anything that day.
4) Connections to cast of the Big Lebowski.
5) When you go out on the town, you will always be referred to as "the smart one."

At least there's no need to worry that TR and I are looking for men in the same places. I mean, has she tried Friday night services on the Upper West Side?

GREAT NEWS FOR KOSHER SICK PEOPLE

According to this report in the JTA, Triaminic has now been declared kosher:

Getting healthy with God
A cough syrup was declared kosher.
All eight varieties of Triaminic received the kosher stamp of approval from the Orthodox Union, The New York Times reported. The approval is believed to be the first time the Orthodox Union, the world largest’s largest kosher certifying agency, has certified an over-the-counter medicine as kosher.

For those of you who are not familiar with the way the Jewish/kosher certification community works, a few predictions of what happens from here:

1) The cost of Triaminic goes up.
2) By the certification of this particular brand of medication, other medications are post facto considered not only not certified but totally treyf (not kosher).
3) Children in families who have decided that medicines do not require rabbinical supervision will be teased in school (as in "David drinks treyf medicine, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah...")
4) Yeshiva day schools write letter to parents, telling them that school administrators prefer that you now buy only Triaminic, and asking them to not send treyf medications to school with their children.
5) Use of non-certified cough medicines leads to chaos, mass hysteria and, worst of all, dancing.

SO MUCH FOR THIS YAHOO...

Remember Lucius Yahoo Dragoman? Well, the story was a hoax.

On January 24, Reuters reported:

A Romanian tabloid says it has fired a reporter for making up a story about a couple who named their son Yahoo as a sign of gratitude for meeting over the Internet. Earlier this month, major Bucharest daily Libertatea published a story saying two Romanians had named their baby Yahoo and printed a picture of his birth certificate. The news was widely picked up on the Internet. "It was the reporter's child's birth certificate, which he modified," said Simona Ionescu, Libertatea's deputy editor-in-chief on Monday. "We fired him." She said Ion Garnod, who had worked for the paper for several years, had admitted inventing the story to look good.

And here I thought CNN was a reliable source. But I guess I don't have to feel too stupid that I was duped, if CNN also fell for it.

At least we don't have to worry about him being teased on the playground anymore. At least not because of his name. And I'm still not naming my kid JDate. Ever.

IN CASE OF SLOW BLOGGING, BREAK GLASS

Not that I seem to run out of material that often, but as I approach the first-anniversary mark on My Urban Kvetch, I thought I'd take a page from Todd and others and open the floor to my readers: this will help me prepare my anniversary post, and could also serve as brain Drano in case I experience some sort of writing blockage in the future.

How did you get here? Why did you keep coming back?

What's your favorite My Urban Kvetch post so far?

What would you like to see me write/opine/pontificate/kvetch about?

If you were to cast me in a television show, what would the format be (sitcom, talk show, game show, improvised show?) and why?

Do you have any questions, suggestions or comedy challenges for me?

Post feedback and suggestions in the comments section--results TBA, depending on volume of reader response.

POPE NON-FICTION

Now here's something to be proud of: according to this article in Ha'aretz, the Jews are threatening legal action against the Pope:

U.S. Jewish groups threatened legal action against the Vatican on Thursday, saying the Roman Catholic church has stonewalled their requests for information about Jewish children placed in convents during World War II to protect them from the Nazis...

The letter said the Jewish groups were "deeply concerned about recent documents indicating a papal policy of encouraging Jewish children who were hidden by convents during World War II not to be retured to Jewish institutions after the war." Moreover, the letter said, in cases where the children were baptized, the documents' directive was to forbid the convent from returning the children to their parents...[Rabbi Shmuel] Herzfeld said the Jewish groups seek an immediate investigation of all archives related convents in northern Europe under the Vatican's influence in order to determine the blood lines of potentially thousands of missing children.

I don't think taking legal action against the Vatican is a good idea. (Didn't anyone read the Da Vinci Codes? You could end up dead at the Louvre... Just kidding...see comments on the Stephen King thread...) There's nothing to be gained, and almost every stride in interfaith relations to be lost.

That dozens, let alone thousands, of Jews do not know their lineage, that they were given away to convents so that they would live, that they were converted so they could survive? That there are people out there who have lived their whole lives as Christians and who may now discover, after more than half a century, that they've been lied to their whole lives? That entire lines of Jewish European families were unnecessarily terminated, not by Nazi persecution, but by a papal declaration? I find this prospect horrifying.

If the Vatican does not have such documents, let it so declare. If the Vatican does have documents proving complicity of Pope Pius in a "plot" to keep converted Jewish children after the end of the war, then the moral thing to do would be to share these records, and let these former children know where they come from. If, post- such a revelation, Christianity is still the belief system that gives meaning to their lives, so be it; I'm not part of any vast movement to reconvert people who have lived their whole lives as Christians and force them to live Jewish lives. But they should be given back the freedom of choice that they were stripped of by Nazi Europe. This does not do anything to undermine the authority of the Church, and in fact, makes a positive affirmation of morality. It should, in my humble, decidedly non-Vatican opinion, be a no-brainer.

Any of my Christian readers want to weigh in on this?

FOR HARDCORE BUFFY FANS ONLY 2

Ever wonder what the first four seasons might have been like if Dawn had been on the show from the beginning?

Well, the hardcore Buffy fans do. Dawn Summers could not be reached for comment. Although thanks to this link, she'll probably weigh in...

Random Buffiness from the Mind of Esther:

If I could travel back in time, I would be an unsigned band that would play at the Bronze.
I want another musical episode.
I want a Tara spinoff series.
I want to always remember Wesley as the "rogue demon hunter" that he was when he first showed up in Los Angeles.
I want to see the new Watchers Academy that Andrew refers to in Season Five of Angel.
I want a Giles spinoff series that has a musical episode. Or twelve.
I want to open a karaoke bar called "Lorne's," in which televisions are constantly running episodes of Buffy and Angel and all the drinks are named after demons or recurring characters.

That's all, I think. What do you want?

IN THE PRESENCE OF THE KING

In addition to pontificating on the humor and literary merits of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I constantly find myself defending the works of Stephen King.

This is mind-boggling to me, as--in addition to the immense popularity of his books and the pervasiveness of his images and stories in contemporary culture--the genius is plainly there. You’ve probably seen them, and lost sleep over them, even if you didn’t know you were in the presence of the King. (The Shining and Dreamcatcher, alone, were responsible for many nights of insomnia. And don't get me started on Insomnia.)

Shawshank Redemption. Stand By Me. The Shining. Misery. Carrie. They are all icons of horror and suspense, and deal with both supernatural demons and inner demons. They are studies of character and relationship; villains are sometimes spectral, other times desperately human.

In TV's serialization tension is defrayed and the fear factor lessened, but the King continues to rule: from the well-reviewed but doomed Kingdom Hospital to TV movies of Salem’s Lot, Storm of the Century, The Stand, The Tommyknockers, Needful Things, Riding the Bullet, TV has brought King to the basic cable subscribers. Where would TNT and USA be without Stephen King?

The fictional town of Castle Rock became a place on the literary landscape with its own history: its criminals go to Shawshank, its citizens remember their forebears and the unusual incidents that happened in that town “back in the day.” King routinely introduces characters, fleshes them out as if they’re going to be the problem-solvers in their book’s respective scenarios, only to kill them off within the chapter. Each character, no matter how minor, is fully developed—full character descriptions, inner thoughts, dreams for the future, etc, even if that character has no future to speak of. In Desperation, King used the same character names, as in the Regulators. Plus, he's in a band with Dave Barry. That’s genius. But not every writer can mold to this method.

Ayelet, the self-proclaimed Bad Mother (who, despite her name, comes off as eminently and refreshingly human and not in any way a dangerous maternal figure) writes about having met the King of Horror Literature through her husband Michael Chabon, author of the Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay and the new novel The Final Solution. But more amazing than an author meeting an author is a meeting like the one she describes on her blog:

It turns out that all over the country in response to Columbine kids are being prosecuted ... yes PROSECUTED ... for writing fiction. Now, I understand the fear. I understand the horror of the shoot out. What I don't get is the response. My response to Columbine is to wonder what is wrong with a culture that so ostracizes and alienates a child that he ends up so crazy. What is wrong with the mentality of a high school where kids are made to feel so bitterly freakish and outlawed? Instead, we fixate on the kid writing the fiction. Instead of worrying about what's going on in his head, instead of feeling his pain and wondering at its source, we arrest him. Instead of stopping the bullying, we target the bullied.

Michael had a brilliant response to this. He decided to teach a class at 826 Valencia in horror and dark fantasy writing...for teenagers. He told Stephen King about it, and this incredibly famous man, this man with a million things to do, a million commitments, a million demands on his time, said, "Dude, you teach that class, and I'll be there."On the last day of class, he was there. As a surprise guest. You should have seen the kids' faces. They were out of their minds. When he told them that he was an amateur, just like them, they scribbled in their notebooks. When he asked them what they wrote, what their techniques were, you could see their self-confidence expand before your eyes. It was amazing.

Stephen King is giving back, inspiring the next generation of writers, and providing encouragement to the students who need it most. Ayelet said it first, but I’ll second the motion. King’s not just the king. He’s also a mensch.

ORGANIZED LASHON HARA

It has been said that blogging lends itself to lashon hara (gossip). I read Gawker by RSS feed, just to make sure I'm not missing any entertainment-related news, but I can't stomach Defamer. Just the site's name makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Now, the NY Times reports, Gawker's got competition.

In October [Elizabeth Spiers, founder of Gawker] took a job at Mediabistro.com where, among other things, she will start up a media gossip blog called FishBowlNY and serve as its co-author. Among her chief rivals is Gawker.com itself, which is now edited by a cheerful 24-year-old named Jessica Coen and is still a daily addiction for the gossip hungry and media elite.

The face-off begins tomorrow when Mediabistro, largely a journalist networking site, unveils FishBowlNY and several other new blogs. The rivalry falls squarely into the grand New York tradition of competing for the juiciest bits of gossip. This being the new millennium, the battle is being raged not in screaming tabloids but in cyberspace.

Then, the article explains that the web world is snarky and personal barbs are hurled daily at the business' movers and shakers, for instance, Mediabistro founder Laurel Touby:

When a departing Mediabistro editor neglected to invite Ms. Touby to his farewell party, Ms. Coen reprinted an e-mail message to the staff from Ms. Touby in which the snubbed cyberhostess fumed, "I have to insist that you not attend this farce of a party."

And two months before Ms. Touby's wedding, Gawker noticed that she had forgotten to deactivate her personal profile on JDate, the Jewish singles site, and linked to it, snarking, "Now we know how to snare a new media goddess."

What have we learned, boys and girls?

1) Read your emails again before you send them. Will you be embarrassed if that email is printed somewhere on the web tomorrow? Then don't send it. Most people don't consider email to be private correspondence, unless the privacy is specified...

2) "Snarking" is now a word.

3) When we do get married, we should deactivate our JDate profiles...

GENIUS OR HERESY?

Probably a little of both.

A new Upright Citizens Brigade event picks up where Mystery Science Theater 3000 left off, and steps clearly across a line...

DIRECTOR COMMENTARY LIVE!@UCBT, WED FEB 2-8pm
UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE THEATER: 307 W 26th St NY NY 10011 212 366 9176

There's more to the movie than what's on screen. Experience the drama that goes on behind the scenes as Matt Walsh and friends provide live commentary for your favorite movies.
This week's movie: The Passion Of The Christ
Starring Matt Walsh (Upright Citizens Brigade), Scot Armstrong (writer, Old School, Road Trip, Starsky & Hutch), Paul Scheer (VH-1, Best Week Ever)
Reserve Online Now

Is PoftheC one of our favorite movies now? This will undoubtedly either be so brilliant that it's funny or so uncomfortable that it's disturbing. I'm not quite ready to attend a screening of this movie into a comedy-commentary driven event, but I do see the potential...if anyone goes, please write in and let me know how it went and how many people turned out to protest it...

Now, Cecil B. Demille's The Ten Commandments...that's MST3K-worthy!

OSCAR SYSTEM FLAWED?

Duh. I think the fact that there's no comedy category proves that.

But the author of this article maintains that Dumb & Dumber was an "overlooked" "epic," that Paul Westerberg* should have received an Oscar for his work on the Singles soundtrack, and that Molly Ringwald was robbed by Sally Field.

Not that author Ace Burpee (I mean, really!) sore just about the last few decades of Oscar. It was this year that prompted the piece, and for him to ask the question that was on everyone's minds:

"Where was Anchorman?"



*If you don't know Paul Westerberg's music on this album, you are totally missing the boat. His two songs, "Waiting for Somebody" and "Dyslexic Heart," are infectious, but in a much better way than say, Britney Spears' "Toxic." Much better, in that "W4S" and "DH" are songs that actually consist of lyrics and music, sold by the musician's passion and enthusiasm without the aid of a vocoder...

WHY DON’T WE GET DRUNK…AND LEYN*

Ah, the kiddush club, that sacred fraternity. You may have witnessed it, unaware that it had a name. In the middle of the Shabbat morning service (typically between the Torah and the rabbi’s sermon/the Haftarah reading) a group of men between the ages of 25 and 40 vanish from the sanctuary and retreat to the social hall/basement to belly up to the bar. As they hover over a cluster of bottles, they utter magic words like “Glenfiddich” and “Glenlivet” and “L’Chayim” and soon everything becomes a shiny, happy Shabbos haze. And then it’s back to shul for an unsteady Amidah (silent standing prayer).

Maybe that’s what all the shuckling** is about—loss of equilibrium.

But now, the reigning body of contemporary Orthodox Judaism wants to ban the boozin':

The problem with the clubs is twofold, O.U. [Orthodox Union] leaders said in a meeting with the Forward. They desecrate Saturday morning prayers and set a bad example for the community's youth. "Kiddush is a way to sanctify the day," said Rabbi Moshe Krupka, the O.U.'s executive director of programming. "You're not sanctifying the Sabbath by walking into the cloak room with a hip flask of single-malt Scotch." The decision to eliminate the Kiddush Clubs was an outgrowth of a meeting of rabbis and educators convened by the O.U. on December 21 to discuss questions of substance abuse, gambling, smoking and promiscuity among Orthodox teens. Two days later, in a conference call of O.U. board members, the move was approved by a 9-1 margin.

Miriam’s for the new shultime Prohibition, and notes that in her experience kiddush club has been for an older generation. Personally, the synagogues I’ve attended (admittedly, mostly Conservative synagogues on the Upper West Side) don’t seem to have an active kiddush club culture. (In Riverdale, it’s another story.)

I've always thought that having a male-only kiddush club was a waste of schnapps. Maybe some enterprising synagogue could reinvent kiddush club as a singles scene mid-service--daven, drink, daven. A Jew's Booze-n-Schmooze. Why not? It works for Purim.

You know those friends you had in college who swore that their test-taking skills improved when they were high? (Oh come on. I wasn't the only one with those friends, was I?) Maybe the same is true for improving your spirituality while praying. Most synagogues I know could use the boost, even if the high is chemical.

One last note: I am definitely for the reinstitution of the term "cloak room."


* Yiddish term for “reading Torah.”
**Yiddish term for the rocking motion made by fervent Jews during prayer.

IS THAT A PHONE IN YOUR POCKET?

(...or are you just happy to see me?)

Ever wish your personal phone ring was just a wee bit more, ahem, personalized? No need to beg, babies. Jenna Jameson's got your pockets covered:

Porn star Jenna Jameson is now hawking "moan tones." For $2.50 mobile phone users can choose from a variety of moans, and sexual noises all recorded by the blond bombshell.If that's not enough, Jameson will talk dirty to you when your phones rings, in English or Spanish...Jameson's charms are already being downloaded in Argentina, Ecuador, Venezuela, and in a couple of weeks will be available from Mexico to Uruguay.

As oversexualized as American culture already is, to our credit, these ringtones are not available in the US:

U.S. users will have to wait to get Jameson on their phones as no mobile carriers in the United States have expressed any interest in carrying the service.

Aww. Poor American porn addicts...they'll have to look elsewhere for aural sex.

TBS: VERY FUNNY?

I just caught the end of Sugar and Spice, about a group of high school cheerleaders that robs a bank because one of the members of their squad gets pregnant and needs the money to take care of her baby.

Then, Josie and the Pussycats, starring the inimitable Tara Reid.

I think TBS needs to reconsider their tagline.

PARANOIA

So, I just saw Osama Bin Laden on the street. He was wearing a snow parka with the hood up, but I could still see his beard.

It was him, I tell you. At the corner of 86th and West End Avenue. For sure, it was him. Either him, or my high school principal.

I suppose there's a slight chance that it could have just been one of the bearded Jews of the Upper West Side.

But just remember: just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone's not out to get you.

TO ERR IS HUMAN...

...to forgive? $17K.

God bless CNN Offbeat for helping to put a price on forgiveness.

GRATEFUL/PACT WITH THE DEVIL

Well, voting for the JIB Awards is underway, and I'm very grateful for all your support. JDaters Anonymous is still a dark horse candidate for best culture blog; my writer's ego would love to see it bumped up a few votes in its category so it was facing off against My Urban Kvetch in the eventual finals for some Esther-on-Esther competition (but that's not likely). Right now, I'm just grateful for all the attention. I'm leading in at least one category, and hovering near the top in several others. I'll resist the Sally Field-isms, in favor of a simple "thanks."

I'm so grateful that I even cast a goodwill vote for the ruthless blogger who's accused me of being married to Satan (even though any regular reader knows I'm single as they come). Although I applaud his subtle campaign methods, I think many of my regular readers understand that if I had entered into any kind of pact with the devil, the terms would include a record deal (if William Hung and J. Lo can have one, so can I), movies (if Renee Zellweger can squint on camera for millions, so can I), a book contract (I can share wisdom on how to detect that someone isn't really interested--Lord knows I've had enough experience in this arena) and red carpets (if people can pronounce 'Mariska Hargitay'*, maybe 'Esther Kustanowitz' isn't such a pipe dream)?

In summary: no pact with the devil yet. But I'm open.

May the best blogs win!

(PS: Vote here.)

*Did everyone understand that Mariska's mom was Jayne Mansfield? Yowza. Where have I been?