My Urban Kvetch

MyUrbanKvetch.com

2005-08-15T10:57:00.000-04:00

I'm pleased to announce my acquisition of MyUrbanKvetch.com, your one-stop shop for all your urbankvetching needs. Change your bookmarks, and visit often...

BOY, ARE YOU MISSING OUT...

2005-03-15T15:18:00.000-05:00

If you haven't changed your links yet, here's what you're missing over at the new site:

What Insurance is For

Blogs Reboiled

When Bloggers Stop Being Polite...

Jake in Progress

Letter from the Material Girl

Me on the cover of TV Guide (sort of)

And the announcement of the My Urban Kvetch "Kvetch Across America" tour.

Don't miss out! Change your links, and come on over! It's much easier than having you all in my studio!

And don't forget to visit Jdaters Anonymous!

EVEN MORE NEW POSTS!!!

2005-03-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

Over at the new site:

MARCH POSTS

FEBRUARY POSTS

As Gwen Stefani asks, What U Waitin 4?

Join me at the new site. Resistance is futile. (So change those links.)

TRANSITION...

2005-02-27T17:00:00.000-05:00

NEW POSTS AT THE TYPEPAD SITE:

The Non-Predictions of Oscarsdamus
The First My Urban Kvetch Field Trip and Theater Outing
"It's Not You...It's Me"--My Breakup Letter to Blogger

I'm finally getting there. The posts are transferred, even with their comments. (God bless Typepad.) The transformation is near-complete.

Muahhahahahahaha!!! Signed, The Evil Almost-Genius of Kvetch

HELP NEEDED FROM TYPEPAD GURUS:
*A quick way to rename and "file" the posts that have been imported
*How to manipulate the template to add blogrolling code, statcounter code, etc
*How to post-date entries (to keep them at the top of the page)
*Any other helpful hints or supa-fly tipz that will help me rock Typepad in an easy-to-read fashion

Thanks, yo. I'll let all y'all know when I've moved fa good.

GET BRENT'S BOD

2005-02-24T14:05:00.001-05:00

Finally, you can attain a celebrity's physique! International megastar of the BBC's hit show The Office Ricky Gervais reveals his sexy dieting secrets:

While Rene Zellweger embarked on rigorous campaign of pizza-eating and Guinness-drinking to fill Bridget Jones' rather large pants, Gervais spent ten years gobbling down cheese and imbibing beer to play David Brent in The Office.

I'll be filing this under "Reasons to Love the British."

BEER, FOAMY...GOOD

2005-02-23T11:13:00.000-05:00

An interesting post over at JDaters Anonymous (if I do say so myself) about the merits of alcohol in social situations.

(Sorry, Ken. Lent will be over soon. Actually, I have no idea when Lent's over since they never taught us that in yeshiva. Easter? In which case it's not that soon...but I support your commitment, however long it lasts.)

PUTTING THE "DIE" BACK IN "DIET", PART DEUX: THE HUBRIS AWARD

2005-02-22T16:38:00.000-05:00

And the Hubris Award Goes to…

Inventor Ray Kurzweil, author of Fantastic Voyage: Live Long Enough to Live Forever, who predicts a coming explosion in technology that will make infinite life spans possible.

In a recent interview, Kurzweil spoke of humanity's coming immortality as if it's as good as done. He says he sees human intelligence not only conquering its biological limits, including death, but completely mastering the natural world.

Some images that come to mind: the kids from Fame singing ("I wanna live forever...I wanna learn how to fly...HIGH!"), the Tower of Babel falling, pride goeth-ing before a fall, every flawed hero of a Shakespeare tragedy, etc…

Critics say that Kurzweil's predictions of immortality are wild fantasies based on unjustifiable leaps from current technology. Kurzweil says that his critics don't appreciate the exponential nature of technological advance.

I guess they’ll just have to agree to disagree. A quote that comes to mind:
"It's symbolic of our struggle against oppression!"
"It's symbolic of your struggle against reality..."

In his latest book, Kurzweil defines what he calls his three bridges to immortality. The "First Bridge" is a health regimen to keep people fit enough to cross the "Second Bridge," a biotechnological revolution that will block disease-causing genes and create new ones that would slow or stop the aging process. The "Third Bridge" is the nanotechnology and artificial-intelligence revolution, which Kurzweil predicts will deliver the nanobots to work in our bloodstreams and brains. These intelligent machines will destroy disease, rebuild organs and obliterate limits on human intelligence.

"Paging Neo. Neo, to the white courtesy phone."

PUTTING THE “DIE” BACK IN “DIET”

2005-02-22T14:52:00.000-05:00

Welcome to what I suspect will be a continuing series on fad diets and the crazy people who adopt them. (Add Ryan Seacrest and it sounds like a reality show for FOX.)

One Meal A Day

Brad, Courteney, Elizabeth Hurley…these paragons of nutrition have all “benefited” from the one-meal-a-day diet. The gist of this article? The groundbreaking news that this kind of dieting is bad for you. (Duh.)

Shark Blood: Australian for Nutrition

After being adrift at sea for seven weeks and presumed lost, three fishermen were forced to drink shark blood and rain-water in order to survive. Mmm...shark blood.

The French Diet—Snack and Be Taunted a Second Time

A lot has been written recently about the fact that there are no fat French women. While I'm still not convinced this is true, here is a partial list of the reasons that French people are thinner, even if they consume a lot of fat and alcohol.
• Their portions are smaller.
• They eat only at mealtimes. (Snacking is frowned upon.)
• They eat a wider variety of food.
• They don't skip meals.

This also just in: being snooty burns 235 calories an hour.

Soda Companies—Making Diets Cool for Men

In an attempt to make dieting and diet products more "man-friendly," instead of taking the tried-and-true road of placing the product next to a hot woman in a bikini, soda companies are eschewing the word "diet" in favor of other alternatives, like Sierra Mist Free. I guess the theory is that a man would feel wimpy ordering a Diet Sierra Mist, but what man doesn't like something that's free? Personally, I think the problem here is the "Sierra Mist" part. Even I feel wussy ordering it.

Plus, just when you thought Diet Coke was the diet version of Coca-Cola Classic, the Coca-Cola Company says "nuh-uh, it's like, a totally different formula," and announced that it will soon introduce Coke Zero or possibly Coke Light, truer to Coca-Cola Classic in flavor than Diet Coke, and without all the pesky calories.

I've got one more story in the vein of health, diet and nutrition, but I'm giving it its own post. So stay tuned.

NEW MACHER IN TOWN

2005-02-22T12:46:00.000-05:00

Claiming the title of "The Ultimate Jewish Website," and boasting the slogan of "Your Gateway to the Jewish Community," along comes Machers.

An initial review of the site leaves the impression that while it is an effective directory-style amalgam of collected information (Jewish news feeds, lists of online singles organizations, a Jewish blogroll), there's no real substantive content (either original or reprinted) to speak of. Yet. But the site looks like an ambitious beginning to what could become a major resource for both links and content.

And you heard it here first.

A RANDOM LANGUAGE THOUGHT

2005-02-22T12:20:00.000-05:00

I’ve recently begun thinking that we should take everyday verbs and create proper-name oriented slang for them.

It’s a nod to Buffyspeak and also provides corporate naming opportunities, like those that already exist for things like arenas and potentially, subway stations.

We could call it Kvetchese (or Baby Fish Mouth, since I’m sure it will be sweeping the nation).

For instance:

On Sunday morning, I Tropicanaed and Quaker Oated. A little while later, I Niked out of my apartment, and Starbucked over to 81st Street for a meeting. Since there were no seats, I Metrocarded up to the store on 101st, where I finally managed to Sumatra Decaf my way through a grande java bev. After Carrie Bradshawing my way through my column, I returned home for some righteous Netflixing.

DYLAN MCDERMOTT CAST IN NEW SERIES

2005-02-22T12:09:00.000-05:00

According to Mediaweek's A.J. Frutkin, Practice's McDermott to Star in CBS' 3 Lbs.

Apparently it's a show about man's search for the perfect woman with the perfect weight.

I'm kidding. (Jeeze!) It's a medical drama for CBS about a group of brain surgeons. Barry Levinson will direct the pilot.

McDermott's been a lawyer. Now, a doctor. What next, an accountant?

Maybe the brain weighs 3 pounds. But anyone who saw Jerry Maguire knows that the human head weighs eight pounds. And they say that TV can't learn ya nuthin'.

THE REAL QUESTION: WHEN ISN'T "LAW & ORDER" ON?

2005-02-22T11:47:00.000-05:00

That question aside, if you want to watch "Law & Order" but don't know if it's on, here are a three easy ways to find out.

1) There's this thing called "TV Guide." I think it's like, a magazine or something. You buy it, you read it, and then you know stuff, like when TV shows are on.
2) Is it evening or night-time? Chances are, you're missing three episodes of "L & O" right now. Turn on your TV and find out.
3) For those who want to plan ahead, here's a guy who has a complete list of which shows are scheduled to air when. Plus, CHARTS!

And people say I watch too much TV.

"GATES" AND JUDAISM

2005-02-21T11:53:00.000-05:00

In this article in the Forward (free registration may be required to read the story, but copious excerpts are available here), there is a discussion of the Jewish meaning that can be applied to the famous "Gates" installation in Central Park.

A few hours after the installation's inauguration, Michael Strassfeld, a rabbi whose congregation meets just a few short steps from the celebrated 16-day installation, brought together a group of some 70 of his congregants for a Sabbath-afternoon talk on the place of the gate in Jewish thought. Traditionally, explained the rabbi, the city gate is where the action is: where one goes for news, for trade. It is where justice is administered.

Whenever anyone mentions gates in the context of Jewish life, I think of several things: the synagogue I've attended for ten years (Shaarei Zedek--Gates of Righteousness), the gates of Jerusalem, and the synagogue I tell people I'm going to when I'm really just sleeping in (Shaarei Sheinah--Gates of Sleep).

The gate is no less central in the relationship between man and God. One need think only of the gates of prayer, the gates of repentance. The closing portion of the Yom Kippur liturgy, the Ne'ilah service, which centers on the closing of the heavenly gates, is regarded as the penitent's last chance at redemption. The gate is the threshold between the known and the unknown, past and future. It's a place of risk, where demons lurk; it's where one hangs the mezuzah.

This threshhold thing reminds me of an episode of Charmed, wherein a little girl was scared of doorways and windows because that's where gremlins lived. I keep waiting for Makor to offer a class in Jewish demonology, 'cause I'll be so there. Especially if we talk about Lilith as the progenitrice of BTVS's vengeance demon, Anya.

Wrappings and coverings constitute an astounding number of Judaism's ritual objects: the curtain for the Holy Ark, the prayer shawl, the wedding canopy, the kittel prayer robe — each endowing what it covers with ceremonial uniqueness. And such, some say, has been the effect of the Gates' billowing fabric on visitors in Central Park.

I'm going to go on record: I really wish the fabric were a different color. Which color would I prefer? I don't know. I'm no artist. The orange (or as the Christos like to call it, "saffron") throws me into a visual panic. It looks like there are hazard cones all around the park, outlining it as one big Law and Order crime scene, or creating the effect that Central Park is experiencing an "orange" level of terror threat.

Or maybe that's just my own internal terror alert system.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: SANDRA DEE

2005-02-21T10:36:00.000-05:00

Sandra Dee passed away at age 62 after a long bout of kidney disease.

The sad thing is, there's a whole generation (mine) for whom Sandra Dee's name is nothing but a punchline, rhyming with "lousy with virginity." Oh come on--you know the minute you heard about Dee's passing, you were picturing Stockard Channing with that blonde wig on, making fun of Sandy who's in the bathroom passing out after smoking and having her ears pierced at the slumber party with the Pink Ladies. In fact, I'd wager that when we first memorized the song (from "Grease," if you're completely clueless), we had no idea that there was an actual person named Sandra Dee. We probably thought Sandy's last name was Dee. (It's actually Oleson.)

If we've ever even heard of Gidget, we think Sally Field. And thanks to Kevin Spacey's Beyond the Sea, we now have an image of Dee as played by Kate Bosworth.

She deserves a better legacy. I'm gonna add some of her movies to my Netflix list. Suggestions welcome.

TWO BRADS, NO WAITING

2005-02-21T00:55:00.000-05:00

Now there's more than enough Brad to go around. One for Jennifer, and one for Angelina.

Brad Pitt's set to star in a movie called Chad Schmitt: the plot centers on a struggling 1980s actor who wants to be a celebrity, and realizes he is identical to Brad Pitt. (I wonder who plays Brad's dad? Chad's dad? Egad! I think we've all been had!)

I guess it's like Dave, but with twice the Brad and no future of the free world at stake. Which I guess makes it not like Dave at all.

It may be a little more like Sliding Doors, actually, with dueling Gwynnies. I wonder what would happen if the two Gwynnies from Sliding Doors met up with the two Brads from Chad Schmitt. I think that would yield a Celebrity Deathmatch worth the pay-per-view charge.

MADONNA "PROMOTED" ON POTENTIAL ROAD TO RABBINATE

2005-02-21T00:17:00.001-05:00

Welcome back to everyone's favorite place-to-visit-but-you-wouldn't-want-to-live-there, the Hall of Celebrity Weirdness.

Today’s exhibit focuses on the latest achievement by the woman who exhorted her papa not to preach and encouraged women everywhere to express themselves as they, on holiday, celebration come together from every nation.

According to source contactmusic.com, Madonna has been promoted to the highest pre-ordination level possible within what the article calls the “Church of Kabbalah.” That’s right.

Just to recap, we have now learned the following…

1) Kabbalah is a church.
2) One can be promoted in Kabbalah. It is unclear if one can be left back. Also unclear is if promotion comes with full medical and dental. Optical, of course, is not included.
3) If Madonna learns one more thing, she’s going to have to release a song called “Like a Rabbi.” (“paskening* for the very first time…like a ra-a-a-aabbi, cause your shul’s not as frum** as mine…”)

Please feel free to suggest additional titles, topics and lyrics for Rabbi Madge’s future songs. Songs may be new (e.g., “Call Me Rabbi, But I’m Still a Woman” –a duet with Britney Spears) or reissues of previous Madonna hits (e.g., “Who’s That Maidel?”).

*Paskening means "making halakhic (Jewish law-related) decisions."
**Frum means "religiously observant."

MY URBAN KVETCH DOES TYPEPAD: BETA SITE UP

2005-02-18T12:53:00.000-05:00

I know. I'm pretending to be a web geek. This may not technically be a beta site. But it is where my blog will be once I negotiate the dang "import your posts from Blogger" feature. Until then, I will continue to post mostly here. Once the move is final, I'll post an official announcement here so you can update your links.

In the interim, consider this a sneak preview of the new look of My Urban Kvetch. Which, admittedly, looks a lot like the old My Urban Kvetch. But that's just to help you transition, gentle reader.

Also available on this site, new posts on the Breakfast Club, my media blitz, and more. The blogroll is in process, so don't panic if you're not there. As if.

Check me out: My Urban Kvetch 2005

Feedback welcome!

CONSTANTINE

2005-02-18T00:27:00.000-05:00

Let it not be said that bloggers get no perks. Tonight, I attended a preview screening of CONSTANTINE, which turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

I have to get the worst part over with first. Some people are simply insufferable, and their every move as grating as nails on a chalkboard: talking and chomping their way through the whole movie...two young women next to me went through the following snacks during the movie--nacho chips, hot pretzel bites, popcorn, gummi bears, Twizzlers, some sort of chocolate malted thing and two large cokes. I had a Luna bar. (Clearly, I do not know how to have fun at a movie.) These two women continued to comment on the most obvious moments of the movie ("ooh, he's got a gun"; "he's a demon!"etc). After shushing them once, I was on the receiving end of a look of death, and I decided to choose life and not shush them again.

I have to admit, I was expecting Van Helsing--a cheesy CGI-fest in which a hunky star battles the forces of darkness. But I actually liked this new movie starring Keanu Reeves (even though is now and forever our Ted "Theodore"Logan). Maybe it was my steady diet of Angel and Buffy over the last fewyears that did it, but I kept seeing elements that I liked in the whole that was Constantine.

Take Neo, first and foremost, because it is the role of Reeves' career, and because The Matrix and "bullet time" will probably inform any sci-fi work from here on in. Add an Indiana Jones good vs. evil archaeological artifact-centered back story, Dogma-brand explanations of thebalance of the universe, and ice this cake with with Buffy-style banter and deadpan delivery. Then, lacquer the movie in James Bond polish. Sure, some of the demons look familiar after this much sci-fi, but that's par for the course. (I would be really interested in hearing the opinion of someone who saw the movie and is also a fan of the original comic book; I thought HELLBOY was pretty good, but I seem to recall the fanboys not being so happy with the result.)

Sure, the CGI is there, but there's (surprise!) an actual story! And it also has (shock and awe!) good performances from Tilda Swinton, Djimon Honsou andGavin Rossdale (that's right, both members of the Rossdale/Stefani household are double billing it this year--I guess the rock-and-roll lifestyle's more expensive than they thought if each of them needs to take a second job ). I did not even recognize Shia LeBeouf (who once joked that in Yiddish and French, his name means "save the beef"), buthe provided excellent comic relief and genuinely entertaining moments as Short Round to Keanu's Dr. Jones. Rachel Weisz, while key to the plot and far from the standard hapless female foil, wasn't all that in this movie. Not because she's not a good actress, but because she's like four good actresses. Rachel shares a face with: Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, and when the light hits her right, Winona Ryder. Same face, different actresses. Just like Portia and Drea.

During the waning moments of the movie, I started to think about life, afterlife, and the concepts of heaven and hell in the Jewish tradition. And then, I focused on Keanu's abs. Because this movie was not a philosophical polemic...or WAS IT? When I arrived home, there was an email in my inbox inviting me to download the CONSTANTINE Bible study guide, to help me (as a "savvy ministry leader") "harness the interest in spiritual things that the Warner Brothers film will create." The email predicted: "Everyone, and I mean everyone, will be talking about salvation, sin, forgiveness, and spiritual welfare, all because of Constantine." (So, you heard it here first, Christian ministry leaders who read my blog looking for discussion topics...)

In summary, CONSTANTINE won't win any awards, but my opinion is that it has enough of all the things that we look for in a movie. It's a diversion. There's humor, which is always welcome for the world-weary, and some superficial discussion of what God's expectations are of the human race, itself a topic for constant discussion and speculation, but ultimately with no ratifiable resolution. Some people voiced their confusion loudly upon leaving the theater, but I didn't overthink it. CONSTANTINE surpassed my expectations. And that's all's I got to say about that.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES...

2005-02-17T14:18:00.000-05:00

As I previously said, I'm having some problems switching over to Typepad, so you may encounter posting problems when you try to comment. So far, seems like the comments are being recorded by the system (and I get them emailed to me), but are not always posted immediately. Your patience is appreciated...

COMEDY DOMINATION: THE NEW PLAN

2005-02-17T14:01:00.000-05:00

Since the Daily Show does NOT seem about to hire me as an entertainment consultant (I guess there's no comeback in the cards for "We Heart Showbiz") and since I am therefore NOT poised for discovery by Comedy Central (my favorite network since 1993), I've had to do some contingency planning.

From MediaWeek:
Comedy Central reached a deal to finance Jon Stewart’s production company, Busboy Productions, that guarantees the network a first-look at all television projects that are developed by the shop.

So, here's the new plan:

1) Create television project.
2) Find corporate offices of Busboy Productions.
3) Camp out there until the next Star Wars movie opens.
4) Go back and revise step 3.
5) Skip steps 4 and 5 entirely and proceed directly to step 6.
6) Procure appointment with Busboy development executive.
7) Wow him with original concepts, DVD of my Rosh Hashanah appearance on Good Day NY, and old grainy videotape of an improv show I did four years ago.
8) Fall in love with development executive (did I mention he's single and Jewish?)
9) Announce engagement the same day that development deal is made public, and field deals for a reality show following two comedy professionals from engagement to chuppah.
10) Co-executive produce show with brother Simmy and with Stewart, who is so impressed with my perspective and ability to break kosher Triaminic-related stories more than two weeks before Stephen Colbert that he drafts me for occasional segments on Jews in Hollywood.

And end scene.

[APPLAUSE]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BREAKFAST CLUB

2005-02-17T13:32:00.000-05:00

The year was 1985. I was in high school. So were Bender, Allison, Claire, Andrew ("Sporto") and Brian.

20 years later, they are still in high school, dancing in the library, eating Captain Crunch and Pixie Stix sandwiches and throwing cold cuts at statues.

But after two decades, you learn things about your Shermer High School friends that maybe you didn't know: For instance, Bender (Judd Nelson) could have been played by John Cusack or Nicolas Cage. Might Molly have made a better basket case than Ally did? It was a thought that the producers had at some point over the casting process.

For more, see this article. It contains several top five lists of things you didn't know about the Breakfast Club, including the tantalizing tidbit that writer/director John Hughes has an hour of additional footage that didn't make the studio's final cut. Petitionsonline, anyone?

IDEA: Ally Sheedy and Molly Ringwald are both now living in New York. Write and launch a play reviving the two female characters--called "Because You're Letting Me"--that goes inside the bathroom where Claire gives Allison a makeover 20 years ago. The acting challenge: have Ally play Claire, and Molly play Allison. Their conversation runs to boys, social structure, and "carrying this much shit in your bag."

"THE SKINNY ON USING THE F-WORD"

2005-02-17T12:44:00.000-05:00

My new column in the Jewish Week, "The Skinny on Using the F-Word," is now available online. Enjoy!

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO...HMMMM....

2005-02-17T00:14:00.000-05:00

February 20 is the 64th birthday of singer-songwriter Buffy Sainte-Marie. However, it is also the 51st birthday of actor Anthony Stewart Head, who portrayed Watcher/crooner Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Coincidence?

CHANGE IS HARD

2005-02-16T22:50:00.000-05:00

Change is hard. Everyone says so. And after spending hours trying to transfer my posts from Blogger to Typepad, I'm inclined to agree.

So yes, my threat to move away from Blogger is not quite an empty one, nor has it totally come to fruition. I do hope that this will all be resolved shortly, and I will then be welcoming you to the new and improved My Urban Kvetch--a new Kvetch for a new year. (Yes, this was supposed to be done in January.)

Hopefully, my fairy blogmother can help me out. Stay tuned for more of the same kvetch times at this same kvetch channel.

CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

2005-02-15T14:01:00.000-05:00

Hello, boys and girls. And welcome to the hall of celebrity spiritual weirdness.

Kabbalah : Madonna :: Scientology : ________________

Here's another clue:

Agent Mulder: Uncovering alien conspiracy at FBI:: _____________: Uncovering alien conspiracy in the entertainment industry

Still nothing? OK, one more.

Adam: tilling the soil of the Garden of Eden:: ____________:ridding Planet Earth of nuclear Scientology-blocking aliens

Give up? Today's Scientology-crazed celeb is former "Dharma and Greg" costar Jenna Elfman.

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

OK, I know. L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics. Life-changing spiritual approach embraced by Tom Cruise. Yada, yada, yada. I had no idea that nuclear aliens were involved. Maybe some of my readers want to weigh in on the positive aspects of Scientology, so I'm not being totally unfair? Please do. In the interim, let's read on:

She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Is the entertainment industry really "home to rabid suppression"? Or does she mean...something else???*

An unconfirmed source from inside my head has supplied credible evidence to support the fact that Madonna is assembling a team of top Kabbalists who will kidnap Elfman, bring her to the Kabbalah Centre and wrap her in red string until she requests a bottle of Kabbalah water.

(Mental note: Do not accept offers of Kool-Aid from Jenna Elfman, even if it is made with Kabbalah water.)

*I'm not saying that she's an anti-Semite. I'm just saying that if you replace the word suppression with the word Jews, it's a whole different story. Not that I'm paranoid. Because there's no truth to the stereotype about the Jews running the media. Otherwise, I'd have my own show. I'm just sayin'.

TONIGHT: "SCRUBS" HAS A LAUGH TRACK

2005-02-15T13:29:00.000-05:00

Clay Aiken! Low-cut scrubs! Colin Hay, from Men at Work!!

Tonight's Scrubsapalooza features a complete departure from their usual, low-key, non-laugh tracky goodness in favor of a foray into the traditional conventions of the multi-camera sitcom:

Via Zap2It:

"All the patients in the beds will be models and very handsome, very attractive," [Scrubs creator Bill]Lawrence says a few days prior to the shoot, which harkens back to his time working on shows like "Spin City" and "Friends." "All the female doctors will, for some reason, be wearing low-cut scrubs. Everything that a sitcom might do."

The sitcom premise is an extended fantasy sequence by J.D. (Braff), who's treating a man who once wrote for "Cheers" (Ken Lerner, himself a sitcom vet). Lawrence also wants the episode to be a thank-you to the show's audience by inviting some of them to watch the show being made -- something that doesn't happen during a normal week, when "Scrubs" is shooting at an abandoned hospital in North Hollywood.

"What we're trying to do in the middle of it, even though we're doing sitcommy stories and sitcommy things, is ultimately have a great experience for the fans," he says. "Which means we're still writing funny jokes. So I hope people will like it on two levels -- hopefully they'll watch it and laugh because we took time to write really funny stuff, and on some level be enjoying the fact that we're tweaking the format a little bit."

OK, Bill. You don't have to twist my arm. I'll be watching. And I know several other interested parties who will likely tune in for this stunt.

But I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a citation for excessive use of the non-word "sitcommy."

"YOUR EPIDERMIS IS SHOWING"

2005-02-15T11:39:00.000-05:00

And the winner, for best karaoke song rendered while naked and behind a screen, goes to Ray and Marie LeBrun, for their rendition of Bob Seger's "Fire Down Below."

Why'd they win? For their pioneering spirit. For their bravery. For their willingness to go all the way.

And because they were the only ones.

Earlier in the evening, the assembled crowds weren't sure that anyone at all would dare to bare both souls and bodies through song:

There better be nude singing," said Rick Smolicz, a New Britain resident who arrived at 5 p.m. to get a seat. "I spent $60 on liquor so far, and if there is no one singing naked, I'm going to be talking to someone about this bill."

As word spread among those who waited for the show to begin that any naked singing would be done behind a privacy screen, most agreed that the event was still "worth it.""I mean, do you see anyone in here you would really want to see naked and singing?" Chuck Beers said as he surveyed the room. "The curtain will probably be a blessing."

Beers is absolutely right. I've been to karaoke on the Upper East Side, and even that crowd isn't buffworthy. (Speaking of Buff, as Buffy might have said: "Beers...foamy, good.")

Another note? "Chuck Beers" is an imperative sentence.

"Oh, it was fun," said Marie LeBrun, who added that neither she nor her husband planned to tell their three children about the performance.

I would say their secret's out now. If asked to explain their behavior to their three children, I would advise the LeBruns to go with: "We were totally drunk, and did something that we regret--see? Alcohol is BAD."

JEWLICIOUS, THE BLOG: THE TRIP

2005-02-14T17:06:00.000-05:00

“You’ve got your blog in my Israel trip!”

“No, you’ve got your Israel trip in my blog!”

“Wait a minute…it’s a blog that becomes an Israel trip! Mmm, this trip is Jewlicious!”

Not since chocolate met peanut butter has a pairing been so natural. Jewlicious—which is Algonquin for “Bloggers Who Win in Two Categories”—is now putting its Zionism where its feet are. In what is certainly the first instance of blog-morphing-into-Israel-trip that I’m aware of, Jewlicious and birthright Israel are partnering for a new approach to traveling the Holy Land.

The deal: birthright is for Jews ages 18-26 (why only till age 26? I think because it’s “bar mitzvah times two”) who have never been to Israel on a peer trip before. And the trip is free. Registration starts March 3.

If you are Jewish, in the target age range and have never been to Israel, I can’t think of a better way to recommend you see the Holy Land. Laya and CK, two of Jewlicious’s bloggers, are also experienced birthright madrikhim (counselors), and are certain to bring their irreverent edge to this program of intense Israel appreciation.

This trip is so going to rock. I can’t wait to see Jewlicious: The Trip—The Blog. (That is the blog of the Israel trip that's being led by the blog.) And then, the inevitable: Jewlicious: The Trip--The Blog: The Musical.

JIB AWARDS: UNRATIFIED RESULTS ARE IN

2005-02-13T10:36:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a long month or so, as Jewish and Israeli blogs battled it out, some through amity and others through enmity, in competition for the JIB Awards. Polling is now closed, and the unratified results can be viewed here. But to sum up, for a new blog that isn't overwhelmed by traffic on any given day, we did very well here at My Urban Kvetch. And FOEs (Friends of Esther) did pretty well too.

In Best New Blog, we placed third, behind #1 FOE Jewlicious and Treppenwitz, who I'll have to check out now.

In Best Culture Blog, MUK was fourth and JDatersAnonymous came in eighth. The winners were Jewlicious, Sha and Jewschool (one of the first blogs I started reading a year ago).

In Best Personal Blog, AriGoesDown blew the competition out of the water with help from her minions. But that's okay. Ari was the first person to invite me to cross over from the virtual "I read your blog" world into the actual "we're having a book club, why don't you come and meet other bloggers" world. #2 was Treppenwitz again, then FOE Chayyei Sarah (who was robbed in Best Series--her Shabbat posts were amazing, even if the Jewish blogosphere didn't recognize them...read them all here). Other FOEs in this category were writersbloc and Superjux, so I'm giving them an honorable mention.

And in the most hotly contested category, Best Humor Blog, My Urban Kvetch was a solid second. But with an even solider #1 was Protein Wisdom. #3 was a vocal and determined DovBear. You remember...DovBear accused me of being the Bride of Satan. Whereas we all know full well that if I had been the bride of anything, my parents would have pictures of it. But it's all good. We're all friends. And we can all move on.

A congrats to Lisa On the Face, who took Best Life in Israel blog. (Check out her series on how she got to Israel.)

And since there were many great blogs who didn't place in the top three in categories where I thought they would, I'm including my own list of honorable mentions. They are classy, entertaining, humorous blogs deserving of a click and a blogroll:

An Unsealed Room
Bloghead
Chez Miscarriage
Seraphic Secret
Renegade Rebbetzin
Jack's Shack
Passionate Life

The point of the JIB Awards was not simply to win. (Although it would have been nice.) Dave at IsraellyCool, who organized the awards, always had in mind that the Awards would help us to become aware of other Jewish- and Israel-related blogs, in the hope of bringing we who wander the blogosphere a little closer to a virtual Promised Land. So check them out, and if you like them, stay a while. Leave comments. Become part of the community.

This community has been wonderful to me, and I'm gratified that you keep coming back. Thank you!

A VERY BRADY NIP/TUCK

2005-02-11T14:52:00.000-05:00

There's nothing like keeping romance all in the family.

There's not a soul my age who's unaware of the famous "Barry Williams/Florence Henderson" date that shook the very foundations of the Bradyverse (until, as Ethan Hawke's character pointed out in "Reality Bites," Mr. Brady died of AIDS).

And now FX's Nip/Tuck is having its own "very Brady moment."

Joely Richardson and John Hensley, co-stars of the plastic surgery dramedy Nip/Tuck, are dating. (They've apparently been linked since October, and no one breathed a word to me.)

On the show, Hensley plays an 18-year-old (whose most recent involvement was with trans-sexual life coach played by Famke Janssen). But he's really 27. And Richardson, who plays his mother, is 39.

Maybe one of the actors out there can explain to me how two actors can fall in love and have a passionate personal romantic relationship, and then return to set and act like mother and son. I know, I know. It's called acting. Is it ok that that's not a sufficient explanation for me? What if they decide to get married? Isn't that weird for the chemistry of the show?

One thing I will say. I love this show, and not just because everyone in the cast is so damn hot. I think we get new episodes in June.

"Excuse me, Dr. Television? The patient is all prepped and ready for her brain surgery. Your scalpel, sir."

GANDOLFINI'S WEAPON OF CHOICE: CARBS

2005-02-11T14:32:00.000-05:00

For those of you who always knew James Gandolfini--and carbohydrates--were dangerous...

Apparently, the Sopranos pater familias decided that several of his fellow castmates deserved to get whacked. By bread and light snacks.

I say if the mob's gonna rub you out, best to die by carbs.

THEORETICALLY

2005-02-10T01:21:00.000-05:00

You know that kid on the playground? The one who called you a stupid-head, or a kaka-brain, or who was more than gleeful to be able to tell you that you had more than a few cooties? His persistence was obnoxious, even if his comments held no truths or resonance. He was more annoying than harmful, even to the fragilest egos. He was the one who would pull your pigtails, then run away before you could find a teacher. When you were growing up, adult figures told you not to play with kids like him--if you ignore him, he'll go away. But the truth is, he never goes away, and never really changes.

From those early interchanges on the playground, it's not immediately clear how he'll evolve into an adult. He might become a lawyer, or a doctor, or an actor: a profession in which he's paid to talk and people pay to listen. The only thing you know for sure is that after the recess of your education is over, he vanishes. And you're glad.

You grow up, get a job, a life, etc. So does he. Theoretically. He grows physically, often intellectually, even reaching a place where he can use language fairly effectively. He might become a writer of sorts, immerse himself in himself (as he always liked to do), and emerge on the other side of the struggle as a scraggly, cantankerous, provocative version of his younger, pigtail-pulling self.

He has learned from his time on the playground that if you hate someone, you don't have to have logic on your team; you just need to assert yourself, louder than anyone else. He has learned that the pen is mightier than the sword, and that he can pull your emotional pigtails much more effectively if he can infect others with his opinion, and effect a manner of wounding even wider than usual.

Say there's a former playground-dweller who has refused to take a recess from his desire to make other people feel uncomfortable and unworthy. Say he finds himself on a different kind of asphalt, but with the adult-size representations of the kids he liked to make uncomfortable when he was a kid...

Say it's because of his own feelings of displacement that he's internalized the lesson that making other people feel bad about themselves, their professional ability and their worthiness generates an intoxicating power. Say he's masquerading as a paragon of religious virtue, but his actions convey a certain sense of Satanic soullessness.

Say you become aware of such a man-child, so consumed with himself-as-empty-calories that he feels the need to take cheap shots at others without cause. And say he's selected you as his target. In loco parentis, on a protoplasmic level, your cells are screaming, "ignore him, and he'll go away." But you can't, because you are wounded, however mildly and illogically, by this person who doesn't even know enough of you or your work to make the statements he makes. You know it's wrong to engage him. "It's what he wants," your inner voice warns.

So you don't engage him directly. You do what you can with the tools available. And you hope that he doesn't notice that he's gotten to you, because you want to be so much better than that. But you can't help your humanity. And that's where you differ.

Say there's someone out there (and there is someone out there) who always seems to hate what you've written. He spews negativity about you and your work. And yet, he keeps reading you.

You might wonder what his motivation is.

I'm just saying.

SHOW ME YOUR, AHEM, TALENT

2005-02-10T00:52:00.000-05:00

At last--karaoke singers can bare their souls without the pesky restrictions of clothing.

BERLIN, Conn. Feb 9, 2005 — After a yearlong fight with the town, a bar is going ahead with a plan to have patrons belt out ballads in the buff. On Saturday night, the Berlin Station Cafe is scheduled to hold its controversial "Naked Karaoke" event.

Which begs the question...which songs are the best ones to be rendered au naturel?

My list:

1) See Me, Hear Me, Touch Me, Feel Me--because it's always helpful for nude singers to issue instructions to their audiences.
2) Paradise by the Dashboard Light--because a classic duet about teenage sex (which contains baseball commentary) becomes so much more seminal when the singers are nekkid.
3) The Stroke--because Billy Squier's ode is that much more poignant when accompanied by a visual.
4) Do You Love Me?--oops, no need to ask: I can see for myself.
5) Dress You Up (in My Love)--this Madonnesther song has love-as-clothing imagery, as well as multiple warblings of "from your head down to your toes" that potentially leads to suggestive choreography.
6) Rumpshaker/Baby Got Back/Bootylicious/The Humpty Dance--no explanations necessary.

More songs to be added to the list as I consider this today, and as my readers write in with their own...

JIB FINALS UPDATE: LET'S JUST SAY I'M NOT WINNING...

2005-02-09T22:44:00.000-05:00

I hate to say it, but I'm losing this competition.

Who knew the race for JIB greatness would create carnage the likes of which have been unseen since Middle Earth's Battle of Helm's Deep...

Sarah says that a vote for her is a vote for world peace.

DovBear, beginning to understand that he's not going to win (perhaps as punishment for inferring that I'm maritally involved with Satan), has conceded.

Jack (not my brother) has launched his master plan to sweep the 2014 JIB Awards. I say, good for him, but mostly because I hope that by 2014 I'll be too busy with my family and book tours to worry about where I rank with the blogosphere.

Although I'm still second in the Best Humor Blog race, it seems that no one can stand opposite Protein Wisdom, a monster blog I never heard of which apparently has some major pull with the blog-and-vote generation. Unless I get about 230 votes before Sunday, I'm not winning either.

(If I were a German movie, I'd be "Run Esther Run".)

Maybe I should have run a better campaign; hired Harvey Weinstein to promote the bejeezus out of my product. Too late now. I'm not conceding yet. Because I'm still hoping for a miracle.

As my Biblical namesake might have said, who knows if for this reason I have ascended to this place? I shall do what I need to do, and if I have lost, I have lost. If you haven't voted, and would like to, you can cast your votes here.

As a reminder, here are the categories in which I'm nominated:

Best New Blog 2004--My Urban Kvetch
Best Humor Blog--My Urban Kvetch
Best Personal Blog--My Urban Kvetch
Best Jewish Culture Blog--My Urban Kvetch or Jdaters Anonymous

Since Hilary Swank and Jamie Foxx don't seem to be nominated in this competition, I might just have a decent shot.

This finalist isn't demanding anyone's vote; there are many worthy nominees. However, should you wish to consider me in these categories, I would be most appreciative of the support. I would be especially grateful if you should see fit to vote for me as best humor blog--laughter is core to my being, and if I've made you laugh, it's the greatest reward I could ask for.

Voting is now open at IsraellyCool and runs through next Sunday. Each person is allowed to vote once. (Cheaters will have their votes removed like they did in the preliminary round, so don't do me any lyin' cheatin' favors by inflating the totals...)

Clicking here will take you to the voting page! And thanks to all of you for helping me get this far...

SINGLE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

2005-02-08T23:24:00.000-05:00

Yup. Me too. But as this article at GenerationJ.com tells you, this holiday isn't about bemoaning your singlehood, it's about celebrating yourself. Or at least trying to.

The Single's Guide to a Heart-Smart Valentine's Day
GenerationJ.com
(February 2005)

INDIANA JEWS AND THE TEMPLE MOUNT DIRT

2005-02-08T15:36:00.000-05:00

Grab your brown fedoras, your whips and your Zionism--the three must-have fashion items of the new century for all budding Jewish archaeologists--and head East. Due East. To Jerusalem...

Via a Yahoo! Group I belong to…:

As many of you may know, the Waqf Temple Mount Authority has been taking dirt from under Har HaBayit (The Temple Mount) for some years and dumping in the Kidron Valley in order to remove any historical/archaelogical proof of Jewish presence there. There is now a dig underway, run by PhD students at Bar Ilan University, that has recovered the dirt, brought it to Mt. Scopus and is sifting through it to catalog its contents. They are always in need of volunteers to help sift and clean the artifacts- it's a fantastic opportunity and a great way to experience history. If you'll be in Jerusalem, call this number: 011-972-52-470-5755.

Dirt can really travel in the Holy Land. From one mountain (the Temple Mount) to the valley, and now back up on a different Mount (Scopus). If anyone reads this and heads off to become trained as a Lord of the Sift, you are cordially invited to submit a summary of your experiences for posting on this blog.

SUCKS TO BE JEW: CIRCUMCISION ABSTRACT

2005-02-08T15:21:00.000-05:00

Since everyone’s been captivated by the Tale of the Mohel and the Herpes (a messed-up fairy tale title if e’er there was one), when I found this medical abstract about oral suction used as a medical technique in ritual circumcision, I thought I’d post it here for your edification.

The abstract, which lists among its contributors YU’s Moshe Tendler and Hadassah Hospital’s Dan Engelhard, is courtesy of House of Hock:

For the abstract-reading-impaired-or-averse, here’s the bottom line (emphasis is mine):

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

Unafraid of a little education? Check out these additional background paragraphs. (You can absolutely read the whole thing, complete with footnotes and sources, if you want, but I'm warning you: there are photographs.)

According to Biblical law, a male infant should be circumcised at the age of 8 days as a sign of the eternal covenant between God and the Jewish people (Genesis 17:10–14; Leviticus 12:3). According to classical rabbinical interpretation, performance of this religious ritual offers medical advantages, a view upheld by many modern medical authorities, as noted earlier. The Babylonian Talmud (Sabbath 133b), the main rabbinical literature completed in the fifth century of the common era, states that for the sake of the infant, the mohel is obliged to perform the metzitzah" so as not to bring on risk." The nature of the risk was not specified. It specifically states that "this procedure is performed for the sake of the infant's safety and if a mohel does not perform the suction [of the wound], this is deemed dangerous and he is to be dismissed." To prevent medical complications, the Talmud permits only an experienced and responsible mohel to perform the ritual circumcision. The Talmud (Tossefta Shabbath 15:8) was aware of potential medical problems that could arise from ritual circumcision and in fact provided the first description of hemophilia in the history of medicine, manifested as a familial bleeding disorder that required circumcision to be postponed.

In the 19th century, Ignaz Philipp Semmelweis (1818–1865) established the principles of hygiene and disease transmission, after neonatal tuberculosis was documented after circumcision by an infected mohel. Since then, most rabbinical authorities modified their approach in response to these findings. Because the Talmudic injunction to perform metzitzah did not explicitly stipulate oral suction, >160 years ago, Rabbi Moses Schreiber (Pressburg, 1762–1839), a leading rabbinical authority, ruled that metzitzah could be conducted by instrumental suction, a ruling quickly adopted by most rabbinical authorities.

Consequently, the great majority of ritual circumcisions are performed today with a sterile device and not by oral suction by the mohel. However, some orthodox rabbis have felt threatened by criticism of the old religious customs and strongly resist any change in the traditional custom of oral metzitzah. The cultural process of replacing ancient customs by modern wound care has to be encouraged by a heightened awareness of this potentially life-threatening medical complication.

On the basis of our observations, the medicolegal impact of neonatal infection by the mohel has to be redefined. Our findings provide evidence that ritual Jewish circumcision with oral metzitzah may cause oral–genital transmission of HSV infection, resulting in clinical disease including involvement of the skin, mucous membranes, and HSV encephalitis. Furthermore, oral suction may not only endanger the child but also may expose the mohel to human immunodeficiency virus or hepatitis B from infected infants. The same consideration that led the Talmudic sages once to establish the custom of the metzitzah for the sake of the infant could now be applied to persuade the mohel to use instrumental suction.

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

RESISTANCE TO SJP IS FUTILE

2005-02-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

So, last year, as we may recall, I interviewed Average Joe's Adam Mesh over lunch with his parents, and his mother made some very interesting comments about me.

And now, according to my answers on the Bravo Inside the Actor's Studio profile test, my closest match is:

Sarah Jessica Parker.

Clearly resistance is futile. So I'm calling it: I'm officially lookin' for an Aidan/Berger hybrid, with a little David Duchovny insanity thrown in.

No Mr. Bigs needed. We know how I feel about that.

Hat tip to Lyss.

"CAGE"-MATCH

2005-02-07T16:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Nicolas Cage,

I was perusing my morning copy of New Kerala when I saw the news item about your enjoyment for karaoke. Apparently, one night of karaoke carousing led you to lose your voice on the set of National Treasure and you had to dub your lines in later...

Well, I challenge you to a karaoke duel...The Urban Kvetch vs. you, Indiana Clones.

Each of us picks a classic song and renders it Sex Pistols-style. She (or he) who rocks the loudest, wins. You may have the Coppola family in your court, but I've got the yeshiva education that breeds punk rebellion. I've rendered everyone from Guns and Roses to the Mamas and the Papas. Forget your playing twins in Adaptation. "Sweet Child O'Mine" to "Dream a Little Dream"? Now that's range, baby.

The stakes? A role in your next movie. Of course, you already have a role in your next movie, so why don't you just give me the prize now, and we can call it even. No need for you to be "beaten by a girl." Save yourself the embarrassment. In fact, since I'm unagented, have your agent call me with an offer of representation AND a script, and you can get credit for "discovering" me. Everybody wins.

As Gwen Stefani recently asked me, "Whatchu Waitin' 4"?

Most sincerely yours,

Esther

Kvetcher of Urbs /Queen of Karaoke

DATE-A-KATE

2005-02-07T11:40:00.000-05:00

Getchyour Kate Dates, right here!

Kate #1, currently up for dates, was THE reason that supermodels (and real people) didn't eat in the 1980s. The former face of Calvin Klein is now single, and the up side, is that while dinner dates would have to take place at chic restaurants, the waif's part of the food bill is likely to be small.

Kate #2, recently separated from elf-to-end-all-elves Orlando Bloom, recently starred with Kevin Spacey in "Beyond the Sea" and first surfed a wave of popularity after appearing in "Blue Crush," which had so many women in bikinis that no one noticed that she has two different-colored eyes.

FOR HARDCORE BUFFY FANS ONLY 3

2005-02-07T09:48:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Dawn Summers, the Key, for this alternate script for the Buffy finale. I have to say that I cried at the end.

Also, she raises the question of how you would rank the seasons of BTVS, with your highest-rated season first.

I couldn't actually rank them. But here are my expanded comments on trying:

1&2: Can't really rank them. 1 was so new. And 2 was so...two. I did enjoy the whole Spike/Angel thing. But Kendra irritated me, and although Juliet Landau did a perfect and memorable version of a former novitiate gone mental and vampiric, I never enjoyed the insane antics of Dru.

3: Loved the Mayor. And Snyder. And Faith. And that prom episode that always makes me cry. ("Class Protector." Buffy and Angel dance in formalwear. Giles says Wes has the emotional depth of a blueberry scone.) And the senior class empowerment (Cordy stakes a vamp!). Awesome all around. And I loved the Mayor.

4: Yay, Harmony's a vamp! I hated Adam as a villain. He eviscerated a little boy. That's just wrong. And Prof. Walsh? A-nnoy-ing. Hush was genius. Loved Buff's hand-motion. Oh you know what I mean. Heartbreaking Oz departure. (Although Veruca--bad.) Watch as Anya's hair changes lengths and colors, as if it has a will of its own! And Spike's impotence storyline--great. Buffy's possessed eyes in the finale are a little creepy. But I suppose that's the point. Great that Willow, Xander and Giles could do a mind-meld with her just in time to save the day.

5: "Glory is Ben! And Ben is Glory!" "Did anyone ever notice that Glory and Ben are never around together?" I love that Spike sees it and no one else does. Awesome finale. ("This is our blood. Summers blood.")

As for 6, I cannot believe that no one mentioned the hilarious nerd antics of the Trio ("we are your arch nemesisesese...") or the genius of OMWF. That musical ep rocked my face off. But we all knew that already!

7's where I'm really not sure. I'm gonna have to view them again and let you know. But Season 5 and Firefly are in the Netflix queue ahead of Season 7, so the jury's out for a while.

Any Buffy moments you'd like to share?

(And yes, I'm aware that some people think Angel's a better show, and I'm not going to argue. I like 'em both. Let's move on.)

MIRVIS RESPONDS TO SHALIT

2005-02-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

I'm definitely starting her book today. But in the interim, here's Tova Mirvis's response to last week's Wendy Shalit piece.

Obviously, I agree with Mirvis over Shalit. Among other salient points, Mirvis states:

Literature in service of some other value is not literature, or at least not good literature. When we require our novels to promote, idealize and proselytize, we strip them of their capacity to explore, express, examine and, most importantly, imagine other lives besides those we actually live. The act of reading lets all of us be inside and outside at the same time.

From Judging a Book By Its Head Covering
(The Forward) February 4, 2005

Thanks to Miriam for the link. And if you wanted to read my response to this article, here's a handy-dandy, chronological catalog of my posts about the role of religion in writing and in my life:

Introduction/Recap
Author's Note
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

WWJB? (WHAT WOULD JEEVES BLOG?)

2005-02-07T09:21:00.000-05:00

Ask Jeeves just bought Bloglines. Just thought y'all would want to know. They have a new Ask Jeeves blog, which one hopes will become slightly more interesting than it currently is...

Via Napsterization.

PS: C loves Bloglines, and she introduced me to it too. Bloglines and I have been very happy together. But I doubt we're spending Valentine's Day together. That's okay, though. Stay tuned for the link to my new GenerationJ.com article about this weekend's purported holiday of romance.

RED (string) BULL, or DRINK'D

2005-02-06T23:54:00.000-05:00

Ashton Kutcher in talks to hawk Kabbalah energy drink?

“We’re going after the Red Bull market,” spokesman Darin Ezra told The Scoop. “But Kabbalah Energy Drink tastes better. And it’s infused with Kabbalah water, which is holy water.” So does it have mystical healing powers, like Kabbalah water is supposed to? “I’m not going to comment on that,” said Ezra.

He says that Kutcher, Madonna, and Demi Moore are currently trying out the Kabbalah energy drink, and may agree to be its spokesman. The product has been launched in a very limited market in Southern California, and will go wider shortly, with a major media campaign of radio, print and television and the tag line: “Source of Power.” Does this foreshadow a whole line of Kabbalah products? Say Kabbalah breakfast cereal and breath mints? “If it’s successful,” the spokesman says, “There will be more Kabbalah products.”

Personally, I'm waiting for the Diet version...

If Kabbalah water is holy water, does it also kill vampires?

But this got me thinking...what would be the weirdest Kabbalah product? You could pair the word Kabbalah with almost any product and charge double. But the idea is to come up with the most bizarre item.

Anyone?

I'm going to go with these hot merchandising ideas:

1) Kabbalah Tofurkey
2) Kabbalah Disposable "Soul" Inserts (for shoes)
3) Kabbalah Contact Lens "Soul-ution" (made with Kabbalah water, of course)
4) The Kabbalah Superbowl Halftime Show

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 4

2005-02-04T14:06:00.000-05:00

"Write What You Know": The Role of Jewish Education

Growing up, I received a modern, co-ed, Orthodox day school education and lived in a community where traditional observance was easy. My friends and their parents belonged to the same synagogues that my parents and I belonged to.

On paper, we all received the same education. But my high school did not churn out mindless clones. We all became individuals, with our own opinions and our own interpretations of what we learned. Today, some of them are not observant at all. Many are still Orthodox, and some have become even more religious than we ever imagined.

But many others live in the same kind of denominational limbo where I am: unwilling to give up on an observant lifestyle (and unwilling to accept a future where such a lifestyle is ruled out), but with a lot of intellectual dissonance. I know this because I have encountered them along the common road that we travel, searching for a resonant expression of Judaism that we haven’t found yet. We have discovered that to an extent, nurture doesn’t matter. You can provide educational tools, and an environment that’s friendly to observance, but how individuals integrate theology and observance into their lives is a matter of individuated nature, not communal pressures.

For these yeshiva graduates gone “wild” (wherein “wild” means independent), I don’t believe that it’s the familiarity of tradition breeding contempt. I do believe that it is the attempt to integrate a strict education into a contemporary lifestyle that engenders questioning. The more you know, the less likely you are to blindly accept "the package deal"; the more you know, the more questions you have. And the more you know, the less likely you will be pacified with an answer like “because we’ve always done it that way.”

When I left the dayschool environment for a secular university, I soon discovered that pretty much everyone on the floor of my dorm was Jewish. But there still wasn’t a lot of observance. I became the floor expert; people called me “SuperJew” and “Rabbi,” nicknames that baffled me because I felt far from either. For many, I was observant Judaism’s representative at Rutgers; because of my education, I found myself with knowledge that other people lacked. I found myself remembering all those trips from camp when they reminded us that we weren’t just representing Camp Ramah, but that we were representing the Jewish people, and therefore should be on our best behavior. I answered other people’s questions and challenges of Jewish observance, but didn’t spend the proper time answering my own questions.

As a result, when I write today, I grapple with authenticity, education, power, authority, authenticity, empowerment, tradition, feminism, modernity, identity and everything under the sun. It doesn’t mean that I have rejected everything that challenges me. But it doesn’t mean I accept it blindly either. How much more so would this be the case if I wrote primarily fiction...I would, per the standard advice, “write what I know,” which is the exploration of a committed Jewish identity between movements, an analysis of what works and what doesn’t and for whom and when and why. As they seek their own truth within their art, fiction writers with similar backgrounds are also likely to struggle with such themes.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 3

2005-02-04T14:01:00.000-05:00

"Ortho-Bashers"

From Sandee Brawarsky’s column in this week's New York Jewish Week:

When asked to comment on criticism of her blurred distinctions between literature and journalism or sociology, [Shalit] says, “The problem is that these books are sold as ‘authentic’ portrayals of Orthodox life, and also reviewed as such — therefore I think it’s a fair question to ask: How authentic are these portraits, really?” She explains that she wrote the essay “to spark a discussion, so it’s healthy that we’re having this debate now in the Jewish world,” she says, adding, “We’re at a very exciting moment in American Jewish fiction because the monopoly of the Ortho-bashers is ending.”

While the term “monopoly of the Ortho-bashers” is a terrific soundbyte, is this at all what’s happening in contemporary Jewish literature? Does exploration, challenge and intellectual consideration constitute bashing? And how much of a book’s marketing, a decision that I understand is made primarily by publishers, is to be blamed on the author? Are these pieces of literature designed to incinerate religious Jewish life?

My opinion? The bottom line, for me, is that these books are not about Ortho-bashing. No novel is going to take down traditional Judaism. The last few years alone have seen a few anthologies containing stories that were definitely outside the mainstream of religious Judaism, but which were clearly reflective of the struggle of contemporary Jews. (Paul Zakrzewski’s Lost Tribe: Jewish Fiction from the Edge and Melvin Jules Bukiet’s Neurotica are two notable examples.)

People who are determined to come to a negative conclusion after reading of a fictional protagonist’s experience are going to do so, no matter how lovingly the portrait of observance is rendered. Similarly, people who are committed to Judaism, on whatever level, are going to understand that one character’s challenge of observance doesn’t necessarily constitute a wholesale condemnation of all Jewish religious practice, even if the fictional character is a religiously involved Jew who rejects the system in its entirety. The bias that each discerning reader brings to a work of literature is part of their personality, and necessarily tints their perspective on the words they read off the page. It's the rare work of literature that can override this kind of already-ingrained personal theology.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 2

2005-02-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

The Role of Religion

Religion, and the degree to which one is religiously observant, can be a major obstacle to relationships of all sorts—romantic, family or professional. In this role, religion is pretense, as is faith; the observant Jew filters everything through the lens of religion. But one of the big problems with identifying a particular mode of religious observance as “authentic” is that it establishes a hierarchy of morality, creates parameters for dissent and breeds enmity instead of amity.* Because of the emotional stake that religious observance has, to families and to the Jewish community at-large, it makes an excellent literary device.

In my own writing, the nonfiction that’s become my hallmark and the fiction that no one’s ever seen, religion is almost always a major influence because it presents a challenge to the modern person. The challenge can also be a personal one—how much of our practice is based in faith and how much in training? Does a religious education constitute thought control, the fulfillment of a divine mandate, or a methodology that we can consider and adapt for our own purposes? If something is not meaningful to us, can we change it? Or is our tradition an inviolable law? Is there inherent authenticity to be found, or is every heartfelt connection an authenticity of sorts?
These are issues that modern Jews grapple with on a regular basis; the battlefield is sometimes internal, but more often can take a public form, as denominations engage in public preenings of self-righteousness. (“We’re authentic,” says one. “No you’re not,” says another, “because authentic Judaism would never include X.” “You’re both wrong,” says a third, “because you’re completely discounting the contemporary role of Y and Z.”) The more one is involved in these kinds of discussions that aren’t really discussions, the more that the Jewish community continues its bickering over priorities at the expense of Jewish pluralism, and the more disenchanted individuals can become. (Also, I can tell you from personal experience that the longer someone is single, the more he or she considers the merits of flexibility and adaptation over a stalwart clinging to “the way it’s always been done.”)

A writer’s choice to include diverse views does not necessarily indicate that author’s ideology. His or her irreverence, playing with the language and laws of Judaism in a contemporary context, is the right of the writer/thinker/Jew, and makes for both interesting reading and high-stakes conflict between the modern, dynamic world and the staid unmalleability of tradition. In fact, it would be most fortuitous if people who read these works of struggle were inspired to think about the statement this makes about the contemporary Jewish community.

*Some people think this isn’t a bad thing, that insisting that only Orthodoxy is authentic establishes a high set of standards for Jewish observance. As Frumster would put it, you’re either a particular kind of Orthodox, or you’re “Traditional but growing.” The growth in question allows for people to find their own way, but the assumption is that finding that way to Orthodox observance is always the goal.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: CHAPTER 1

2005-02-04T13:55:00.000-05:00

Not to Generalize…But

Generalizations become generalizations because they contain a substantial element of truth. So do stereotypes; in contemporary fiction and drama, the authors use these larger assumptions to draw the outlines of family dynamics, character, establish points of confluence and conflict, and create an illustrated counterpoint, a 3-dimensional set for the action of the story.

On lumping all members of a group together in terms of dress and behavior, one can only say that to an extent, in a larger sense, this is also a very human reaction. We all jump to our own conclusions of people based on their appearance, behavior and the company they keep. We think “he looks like a gangster, and dresses like a gangster, so he’s probably a gangster, and I should move to another subway car.” Unfair, yes—but a truthful human reaction. But substitute the word “chasid” for “gangster” and suddenly you’re being unfair to all Orthodox Jews.

The double standard works in both directions: when the outwardly Orthodox see a man not wearing a kippah, the assumption is that he’s not Jewish. If they find out he is Jewish, they assume that he is not knowledgable. (The same bias exists for Jewish women who wear pants and are therefore assumed to be secular and ignorant of traditional Judaism.)

That’s the basic level. If you encounter someone who is outwardly affiliated with one group, your tendency (however unfair) is to assume that the person you’ve met is a representative of that group. The problem emerges when you consider that inside the outward affect of affiliation with a group, each person is an individual, capable of individual choices—admirable and reprehensible and everywhere in between.

In Israel, I once met a pious-seeming man who wore a kippah, and based on that outward affect, made an assumption that he could be trusted; within an hour, it became clear that he was more sinner than saint. If that had been my first interaction with an “Orthodox kippah man,” I might have been turned off to all overt expressions of Judaism, assuming that such outwardly Jewish men were inwardly two-faced and untrustworthy. Especially in such cases of religious hypocrisy, wherein someone advocates a strictly religious lifestyle and behaves in a most immoral and unrepresentative manner; this kind of experience can teach the observer that most basic of human and literary lessons: that things are not always what they seem to be.

'OBSERVANT READER' RESPONSE: AUTHOR'S NOTE

2005-02-04T13:46:00.000-05:00

This may not surprise any of my regular readers, but it turns out that my response is running so extremely long that I'm breaking it up into chapters. (I know. Bear with me.) Apparently, I have a lot of opinions that are kind of inspired by, instead of being a direct reaction to, the Shalit piece.

I know it sounds like a mini-course in Jewish literature, but themes will include:

Generalization
The Role of Religion in Writing
The Role of Jewish Education
Orthobashing

Stay tuned...first chapter to be posted shortly.

'OBSERVANT READER': INTRODUCTION/RECAP

2005-02-04T01:05:00.000-05:00

This is the fourth time I'm trying this through Blogger. Damn it. Keeps trashing my posts even after I've saved them as drafts. The damn URL links erase the rest of the post....

I cannot wait to move to Typepad.

Take 4 begins now.

For those of you who missed it (and this is admittedly an oversimplified summary), in her piece in last Sunday’s New York Times, Wendy Shalit points to the new trend in contemporary Jewish fiction: protagonists who grapple with Orthodox Judaism. She points to prominent writers who “have renounced Orthodox Judaism—or those who were never really exposed to it to begin with” as portraying “deeply observant Jews in an unflattering or ridiculous light.”

She tells of her own embrace of observant Judaism, and her joy at seeing that the stereotypes of religious people that she had been exposed to were not true. She also brings up the notion of outsiders and insiders, and who has a more authentic perspective.

The whole issue of inside versus outside is a question of authenticity, itself a matter that is the source of much personal struggle and communal contention for Jews of all stripes. Who has the right to call themselves a Jew? Who has the educational background that qualifies them to speak on Jewish issues? Who among us has been sufficiently immersed in a particular expression of Judaism to become an expert, even a fictionalized one?

I don’t consider myself Orthodox. Or necessarily affiliated with any major label of Judaism. Except maybe LOBSTr. But I’m fairly knowledgable Jewishly and Hebraically, and I’m also a writer; I'm in a state of constant questioning, and juggling my various identities to avoid from dropping any of them. So perhaps that makes me enough of an insider and an outsider to be able, at least, to write this essay semi-intelligently. One hopes.

(To be continued...)

TODAY'S LESSON: PUT THE BLOG FIRST

2005-02-03T21:45:00.000-05:00

Before career. Before paycheck. Before social life.* Before all those things, I must prioritize the blog.

The blog is good. The blog, for lack of a better word, works. Must put the blog first.

I've been scooped on too many stories this week. By the time I weigh in on the treatment of observant Judaism in literature, the State of the Union, CampusJ, a romance well-deserved...it's all over the blogosphere, and I may not have anything to add.

(Of course, I'll still do the piece about literature; it's part of my development as a creative person struggling to discover the best personal expression of my Judaism, in my life and in my work.)

*Note to my parents if they're reading this: Don't worry. The paycheck's still important. And I'm not planning on writing the singles column forever.

PRELUDE TO A RESPONSE

2005-02-03T11:12:00.000-05:00

I’ve been trying to piece together a coherent response to Wendy Shalit’s piece on "The Observant Reader" in the Sunday NY Times, but keep hitting wall after wall. Perhaps it’s because I feel like I'm constantly on deadline for other projects, or perhaps it’s that I just can’t wrap my brain around her premise. I’m finding it hard to address her points item-by-item; I think it’s just going to be its own essay.

In the interim, you may want to try:

Miriam
Allison Kaplan Sommer featuring Chayyei Sarah
Tova Mirvis via Chayyei Sarah

UPDATE:
DovBear
The Jewish Week

I'll be weighing in soon. One can hope, semi-intelligently.

THE DRAMA OF DATING

2005-02-02T21:30:00.000-05:00

My new article, "The Drama of Dating," is now online at the Jewish Week website.
(NY Jewish Week, 02/04/05)

And oh, how I wish they had called me before they cut a phrase from my original opening (reproduced here for your convenience):

"Curtain up! Light the lights!" "It’s time to put on makeup, it’s time to dress up right!" It is here, somewhere between a Broadway show’s clarion anthem and the whimsical pre-curtain preparation and onstage goofiness of "The Muppet Show," that we encounter the drama of our dating lives.

Click here to read the whole article.

AMERICAN IDOLATRY

2005-02-02T20:38:00.000-05:00

(Note to J.J. Abrams: As soon as Lost comes back with a new ep, I'm yours again, baby. But till then, I'm all about the Idol. A straight-up Idolater. Idolicious.)

Simon to Victor:
"If you manage to get a number one record in the next six months, I'll give you $100,000."

That is sheer genius. Watch the same bozos who gave William Hung a contract step up and give this guy a ludicrous, laughable contract just to prove Simon Cowell wrong.

Jessica to camera:
"Simon says I have the most talent of everyone here. That I'm only 16 and I have this amazing voice."

What Simon actually said about Jessica:
"You are nowhere near ready. You need a lot of work. A lot of work."

This is why people love this show. Because people have incredibly intricate delusions of grandeur. And because we wouldn't be Americans if we didn't enjoy seeing people's dreams crushed and obliterated on national television.

STEWART SEEKS 'APPRENTICE'

2005-02-02T19:13:00.000-05:00

Finally a show worth watching.

What's that? Martha Stewart? Oh.

Yawn. Someone wake me when Jon Stewart seeks his 'Apprentice.'

WEIGHT I CAN GAIN JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM...

2005-02-02T14:33:00.000-05:00

I hesitate to share this link, as I might be enabling all sorts of unhealthy eating habits by disseminating this information. Blame the Urban Achiever, for tempting me with information on where to get Marzipan rugelach in the US.

Going to the website, I learn that each rugelach (which is apparently plural as well as singular) contains almost a whole bar of chocolate. (That is CRAZY.) I shall not suffer the temptation of this tree of knowledge alone.

First things first, let's get the typo alert out of the way:

The Kosherfest press release reads:
Jerusalem Gourmet Rugalach Awarded Best New Desert Item by Kosherfest

(This could not be confirmed, but rumor has it that other "new desert items" included gummy cactus pie, new Mirage bottled water that tastes like whatever candy you want it to, and the world famous Arabian Sands cupcakes.)

At first, I was happy to see there were no Upper West Side distributors. Then I noticed the listing for Revaya, the cafe that's literally an around-the-corner, two-minute walk from one of the places where I do on-site work thrice weekly...and they are taking orders online. (It's pricey, though: $9.95 for twelve rugelach.)

Still no nutritional information, though. (I'm assuming that means they're fat-free, meet all the US RDA of valuable nutrients and are a good source of protein, iron and fiber.)

There. Now you must all be keepers of the knowledge. Use it wisely.

I'D LIKE A BRIS-KIT ON WRY

2005-02-02T14:18:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to start with this story from the Daily News:

City health officials are investigating whether a baby boy died after contracting herpes from the rabbi who circumcised him, the Daily News has learned. The probe was launched after city officials realized that three infants in the city who tested positive for herpes last year all were circumcised by Rabbi Yitzchok Fischer. The Rockland County-based Fischer is a prominent mohel - someone who performs religious circumcisions.

I appreciate the Daily News' attempt at defining mohel. But I kind of feel like if you don't know what a mohel is, maybe you're not really a New Yorker. Or maybe you never saw an episode of Seinfeld.

Under Jewish law, a mohel is supposed to draw blood from the circumcision wound to remove impurities. While many mohels do it by hand, Fischer uses a practice little known outside ultra-Orthodox communities called metzizah bi peh, in which the mohel uses his mouth.

FWIW, I have never heard of this practice, but I know precious little about the mechanics of circumcisions. And I like to keep it that way. (Need-to-know basis: And I don't need to know.)

Hebrew lesson
The word metzitzah means "sucking." Not as in "this Dawson's Creek storyline is really sucking," as in "I gave the baby a motzetz (pacifier) so that when I'm not nursing he can still have the comfort of metzitzah." Bi peh, or more correctly (I think) ba'peh, means "by mouth" or "orally." (I'm gonna go with "ugh.")

Medical lesson
There are actually a number of herpesviruses. (Click here for a list and some pretty gross pictures that should tell you why medical school wasn't part of your professional plan.)

Herpesviruses are extremely common and around 100 have been identified in a variety of animal species. All of the herpesviruses are members of one family, the Herpesviridae, and have certain characteristics in common, such as their ability to establish latency during primary infection. This means that following initial infection the virus remains dormant, to be reactivated by certain triggers such as an individual’s immune status, stress or sunlight.

Only 8 of these viruses have been identified in humans. This list includes varicella zoster*, which causes chickenpox and shingles, and Epstein-Barr, which can often lead to infectious mononucleosis. I already knew this because when my old roommate got mono, I loved to tease her by telling her she had herpes. (It was way funny at the time. By the time I got mono four years later, the comedy had expired.)

But back to the story...my point is that we all assume that "herpes" means "genital herpes." And it may not. That's all I'm saying. The only thing funny about this story is the headline to this post. And even that, I freely admit, is more cringeworthy than funny.

As if parents of newborn Jewish boys didn't have enough to worry about...

UPDATE: A medical abstract about this custom....

*I can't swear to this, but I seem to recall a member of my parents' shul was named Varicella Zoster. It's quite a beautiful name, actually. I'll add it to my shortlist of baby names for my yet-to-be-conceived children. (Her Hebrew name will probably be "Vered" or "Varda.")

NOT ON REID'S LIST: "SMART"

2005-02-02T13:57:00.000-05:00

Tara Reid wants you to be her boyfriend. (Well, not YOU. But maybe "one of yous".)

The 29-year-old voiced her need for a man in her life on Monday's (Jan. 31) episode of "The Ellen Degeneres Show," report news sources. "I want a nice guy, a nice, funny, good sense of humor, cute, obviously, you know, just a good guy," says Reid, urging the single male viewers to send in a 60-second tape of themselves to "audition" for the role of boyfriend.

Reasons to date Tara Reid:

1) Her range. She's even playing a scientist now, thanks to dark-framed glasses.
2) Wardrobe malfunctions make life exciting.
3) Thanks to TR's propensity toward wearing extra-low rider jeans and extra-high cut tops, you and her nutritionist can instantly see whether or not she's eaten anything that day.
4) Connections to cast of the Big Lebowski.
5) When you go out on the town, you will always be referred to as "the smart one."

At least there's no need to worry that TR and I are looking for men in the same places. I mean, has she tried Friday night services on the Upper West Side?

GREAT NEWS FOR KOSHER SICK PEOPLE

2005-02-01T13:07:00.000-05:00

According to this report in the JTA, Triaminic has now been declared kosher:

Getting healthy with God
A cough syrup was declared kosher.
All eight varieties of Triaminic received the kosher stamp of approval from the Orthodox Union, The New York Times reported. The approval is believed to be the first time the Orthodox Union, the world largest’s largest kosher certifying agency, has certified an over-the-counter medicine as kosher.

For those of you who are not familiar with the way the Jewish/kosher certification community works, a few predictions of what happens from here:

1) The cost of Triaminic goes up.
2) By the certification of this particular brand of medication, other medications are post facto considered not only not certified but totally treyf (not kosher).
3) Children in families who have decided that medicines do not require rabbinical supervision will be teased in school (as in "David drinks treyf medicine, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah...")
4) Yeshiva day schools write letter to parents, telling them that school administrators prefer that you now buy only Triaminic, and asking them to not send treyf medications to school with their children.
5) Use of non-certified cough medicines leads to chaos, mass hysteria and, worst of all, dancing.

SO MUCH FOR THIS YAHOO...

2005-02-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

Remember Lucius Yahoo Dragoman? Well, the story was a hoax.

On January 24, Reuters reported:

A Romanian tabloid says it has fired a reporter for making up a story about a couple who named their son Yahoo as a sign of gratitude for meeting over the Internet. Earlier this month, major Bucharest daily Libertatea published a story saying two Romanians had named their baby Yahoo and printed a picture of his birth certificate. The news was widely picked up on the Internet. "It was the reporter's child's birth certificate, which he modified," said Simona Ionescu, Libertatea's deputy editor-in-chief on Monday. "We fired him." She said Ion Garnod, who had worked for the paper for several years, had admitted inventing the story to look good.

And here I thought CNN was a reliable source. But I guess I don't have to feel too stupid that I was duped, if CNN also fell for it.

At least we don't have to worry about him being teased on the playground anymore. At least not because of his name. And I'm still not naming my kid JDate. Ever.

IN CASE OF SLOW BLOGGING, BREAK GLASS

2005-01-31T15:03:00.000-05:00

Not that I seem to run out of material that often, but as I approach the first-anniversary mark on My Urban Kvetch, I thought I'd take a page from Todd and others and open the floor to my readers: this will help me prepare my anniversary post, and could also serve as brain Drano in case I experience some sort of writing blockage in the future.

How did you get here? Why did you keep coming back?

What's your favorite My Urban Kvetch post so far?

What would you like to see me write/opine/pontificate/kvetch about?

If you were to cast me in a television show, what would the format be (sitcom, talk show, game show, improvised show?) and why?

Do you have any questions, suggestions or comedy challenges for me?

Post feedback and suggestions in the comments section--results TBA, depending on volume of reader response.

POPE NON-FICTION

2005-01-31T13:32:00.000-05:00

Now here's something to be proud of: according to this article in Ha'aretz, the Jews are threatening legal action against the Pope:

U.S. Jewish groups threatened legal action against the Vatican on Thursday, saying the Roman Catholic church has stonewalled their requests for information about Jewish children placed in convents during World War II to protect them from the Nazis...

The letter said the Jewish groups were "deeply concerned about recent documents indicating a papal policy of encouraging Jewish children who were hidden by convents during World War II not to be retured to Jewish institutions after the war." Moreover, the letter said, in cases where the children were baptized, the documents' directive was to forbid the convent from returning the children to their parents...[Rabbi Shmuel] Herzfeld said the Jewish groups seek an immediate investigation of all archives related convents in northern Europe under the Vatican's influence in order to determine the blood lines of potentially thousands of missing children.

I don't think taking legal action against the Vatican is a good idea. (Didn't anyone read the Da Vinci Codes? You could end up dead at the Louvre... Just kidding...see comments on the Stephen King thread...) There's nothing to be gained, and almost every stride in interfaith relations to be lost.

That dozens, let alone thousands, of Jews do not know their lineage, that they were given away to convents so that they would live, that they were converted so they could survive? That there are people out there who have lived their whole lives as Christians and who may now discover, after more than half a century, that they've been lied to their whole lives? That entire lines of Jewish European families were unnecessarily terminated, not by Nazi persecution, but by a papal declaration? I find this prospect horrifying.

If the Vatican does not have such documents, let it so declare. If the Vatican does have documents proving complicity of Pope Pius in a "plot" to keep converted Jewish children after the end of the war, then the moral thing to do would be to share these records, and let these former children know where they come from. If, post- such a revelation, Christianity is still the belief system that gives meaning to their lives, so be it; I'm not part of any vast movement to reconvert people who have lived their whole lives as Christians and force them to live Jewish lives. But they should be given back the freedom of choice that they were stripped of by Nazi Europe. This does not do anything to undermine the authority of the Church, and in fact, makes a positive affirmation of morality. It should, in my humble, decidedly non-Vatican opinion, be a no-brainer.

Any of my Christian readers want to weigh in on this?

FOR HARDCORE BUFFY FANS ONLY 2

2005-01-30T16:26:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what the first four seasons might have been like if Dawn had been on the show from the beginning?

Well, the hardcore Buffy fans do. Dawn Summers could not be reached for comment. Although thanks to this link, she'll probably weigh in...

Random Buffiness from the Mind of Esther:

If I could travel back in time, I would be an unsigned band that would play at the Bronze.
I want another musical episode.
I want a Tara spinoff series.
I want to always remember Wesley as the "rogue demon hunter" that he was when he first showed up in Los Angeles.
I want to see the new Watchers Academy that Andrew refers to in Season Five of Angel.
I want a Giles spinoff series that has a musical episode. Or twelve.
I want to open a karaoke bar called "Lorne's," in which televisions are constantly running episodes of Buffy and Angel and all the drinks are named after demons or recurring characters.

That's all, I think. What do you want?

IN THE PRESENCE OF THE KING

2005-01-29T23:11:00.000-05:00

In addition to pontificating on the humor and literary merits of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I constantly find myself defending the works of Stephen King.

This is mind-boggling to me, as--in addition to the immense popularity of his books and the pervasiveness of his images and stories in contemporary culture--the genius is plainly there. You’ve probably seen them, and lost sleep over them, even if you didn’t know you were in the presence of the King. (The Shining and Dreamcatcher, alone, were responsible for many nights of insomnia. And don't get me started on Insomnia.)

Shawshank Redemption. Stand By Me. The Shining. Misery. Carrie. They are all icons of horror and suspense, and deal with both supernatural demons and inner demons. They are studies of character and relationship; villains are sometimes spectral, other times desperately human.

In TV's serialization tension is defrayed and the fear factor lessened, but the King continues to rule: from the well-reviewed but doomed Kingdom Hospital to TV movies of Salem’s Lot, Storm of the Century, The Stand, The Tommyknockers, Needful Things, Riding the Bullet, TV has brought King to the basic cable subscribers. Where would TNT and USA be without Stephen King?

The fictional town of Castle Rock became a place on the literary landscape with its own history: its criminals go to Shawshank, its citizens remember their forebears and the unusual incidents that happened in that town “back in the day.” King routinely introduces characters, fleshes them out as if they’re going to be the problem-solvers in their book’s respective scenarios, only to kill them off within the chapter. Each character, no matter how minor, is fully developed—full character descriptions, inner thoughts, dreams for the future, etc, even if that character has no future to speak of. In Desperation, King used the same character names, as in the Regulators. Plus, he's in a band with Dave Barry. That’s genius. But not every writer can mold to this method.

Ayelet, the self-proclaimed Bad Mother (who, despite her name, comes off as eminently and refreshingly human and not in any way a dangerous maternal figure) writes about having met the King of Horror Literature through her husband Michael Chabon, author of the Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay and the new novel The Final Solution. But more amazing than an author meeting an author is a meeting like the one she describes on her blog:

It turns out that all over the country in response to Columbine kids are being prosecuted ... yes PROSECUTED ... for writing fiction. Now, I understand the fear. I understand the horror of the shoot out. What I don't get is the response. My response to Columbine is to wonder what is wrong with a culture that so ostracizes and alienates a child that he ends up so crazy. What is wrong with the mentality of a high school where kids are made to feel so bitterly freakish and outlawed? Instead, we fixate on the kid writing the fiction. Instead of worrying about what's going on in his head, instead of feeling his pain and wondering at its source, we arrest him. Instead of stopping the bullying, we target the bullied.

Michael had a brilliant response to this. He decided to teach a class at 826 Valencia in horror and dark fantasy writing...for teenagers. He told Stephen King about it, and this incredibly famous man, this man with a million things to do, a million commitments, a million demands on his time, said, "Dude, you teach that class, and I'll be there."On the last day of class, he was there. As a surprise guest. You should have seen the kids' faces. They were out of their minds. When he told them that he was an amateur, just like them, they scribbled in their notebooks. When he asked them what they wrote, what their techniques were, you could see their self-confidence expand before your eyes. It was amazing.

Stephen King is giving back, inspiring the next generation of writers, and providing encouragement to the students who need it most. Ayelet said it first, but I’ll second the motion. King’s not just the king. He’s also a mensch.

ORGANIZED LASHON HARA

2005-01-29T22:26:00.000-05:00

It has been said that blogging lends itself to lashon hara (gossip). I read Gawker by RSS feed, just to make sure I'm not missing any entertainment-related news, but I can't stomach Defamer. Just the site's name makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Now, the NY Times reports, Gawker's got competition.

In October [Elizabeth Spiers, founder of Gawker] took a job at Mediabistro.com where, among other things, she will start up a media gossip blog called FishBowlNY and serve as its co-author. Among her chief rivals is Gawker.com itself, which is now edited by a cheerful 24-year-old named Jessica Coen and is still a daily addiction for the gossip hungry and media elite.

The face-off begins tomorrow when Mediabistro, largely a journalist networking site, unveils FishBowlNY and several other new blogs. The rivalry falls squarely into the grand New York tradition of competing for the juiciest bits of gossip. This being the new millennium, the battle is being raged not in screaming tabloids but in cyberspace.

Then, the article explains that the web world is snarky and personal barbs are hurled daily at the business' movers and shakers, for instance, Mediabistro founder Laurel Touby:

When a departing Mediabistro editor neglected to invite Ms. Touby to his farewell party, Ms. Coen reprinted an e-mail message to the staff from Ms. Touby in which the snubbed cyberhostess fumed, "I have to insist that you not attend this farce of a party."

And two months before Ms. Touby's wedding, Gawker noticed that she had forgotten to deactivate her personal profile on JDate, the Jewish singles site, and linked to it, snarking, "Now we know how to snare a new media goddess."

What have we learned, boys and girls?

1) Read your emails again before you send them. Will you be embarrassed if that email is printed somewhere on the web tomorrow? Then don't send it. Most people don't consider email to be private correspondence, unless the privacy is specified...

2) "Snarking" is now a word.

3) When we do get married, we should deactivate our JDate profiles...

GENIUS OR HERESY?

2005-01-28T11:26:00.000-05:00

Probably a little of both.

A new Upright Citizens Brigade event picks up where Mystery Science Theater 3000 left off, and steps clearly across a line...

DIRECTOR COMMENTARY LIVE!@UCBT, WED FEB 2-8pm
UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE THEATER: 307 W 26th St NY NY 10011 212 366 9176

There's more to the movie than what's on screen. Experience the drama that goes on behind the scenes as Matt Walsh and friends provide live commentary for your favorite movies.
This week's movie: The Passion Of The Christ
Starring Matt Walsh (Upright Citizens Brigade), Scot Armstrong (writer, Old School, Road Trip, Starsky & Hutch), Paul Scheer (VH-1, Best Week Ever)
Reserve Online Now

Is PoftheC one of our favorite movies now? This will undoubtedly either be so brilliant that it's funny or so uncomfortable that it's disturbing. I'm not quite ready to attend a screening of this movie into a comedy-commentary driven event, but I do see the potential...if anyone goes, please write in and let me know how it went and how many people turned out to protest it...

Now, Cecil B. Demille's The Ten Commandments...that's MST3K-worthy!

OSCAR SYSTEM FLAWED?

2005-01-28T10:39:00.000-05:00

Duh. I think the fact that there's no comedy category proves that.

But the author of this article maintains that Dumb & Dumber was an "overlooked" "epic," that Paul Westerberg* should have received an Oscar for his work on the Singles soundtrack, and that Molly Ringwald was robbed by Sally Field.

Not that author Ace Burpee (I mean, really!) sore just about the last few decades of Oscar. It was this year that prompted the piece, and for him to ask the question that was on everyone's minds:

"Where was Anchorman?"

*If you don't know Paul Westerberg's music on this album, you are totally missing the boat. His two songs, "Waiting for Somebody" and "Dyslexic Heart," are infectious, but in a much better way than say, Britney Spears' "Toxic." Much better, in that "W4S" and "DH" are songs that actually consist of lyrics and music, sold by the musician's passion and enthusiasm without the aid of a vocoder...

WHY DON’T WE GET DRUNK…AND LEYN*

2005-01-27T11:43:00.000-05:00

Ah, the kiddush club, that sacred fraternity. You may have witnessed it, unaware that it had a name. In the middle of the Shabbat morning service (typically between the Torah and the rabbi’s sermon/the Haftarah reading) a group of men between the ages of 25 and 40 vanish from the sanctuary and retreat to the social hall/basement to belly up to the bar. As they hover over a cluster of bottles, they utter magic words like “Glenfiddich” and “Glenlivet” and “L’Chayim” and soon everything becomes a shiny, happy Shabbos haze. And then it’s back to shul for an unsteady Amidah (silent standing prayer).

Maybe that’s what all the shuckling** is about—loss of equilibrium.

But now, the reigning body of contemporary Orthodox Judaism wants to ban the boozin':

The problem with the clubs is twofold, O.U. [Orthodox Union] leaders said in a meeting with the Forward. They desecrate Saturday morning prayers and set a bad example for the community's youth. "Kiddush is a way to sanctify the day," said Rabbi Moshe Krupka, the O.U.'s executive director of programming. "You're not sanctifying the Sabbath by walking into the cloak room with a hip flask of single-malt Scotch." The decision to eliminate the Kiddush Clubs was an outgrowth of a meeting of rabbis and educators convened by the O.U. on December 21 to discuss questions of substance abuse, gambling, smoking and promiscuity among Orthodox teens. Two days later, in a conference call of O.U. board members, the move was approved by a 9-1 margin.

Miriam’s for the new shultime Prohibition, and notes that in her experience kiddush club has been for an older generation. Personally, the synagogues I’ve attended (admittedly, mostly Conservative synagogues on the Upper West Side) don’t seem to have an active kiddush club culture. (In Riverdale, it’s another story.)

I've always thought that having a male-only kiddush club was a waste of schnapps. Maybe some enterprising synagogue could reinvent kiddush club as a singles scene mid-service--daven, drink, daven. A Jew's Booze-n-Schmooze. Why not? It works for Purim.

You know those friends you had in college who swore that their test-taking skills improved when they were high? (Oh come on. I wasn't the only one with those friends, was I?) Maybe the same is true for improving your spirituality while praying. Most synagogues I know could use the boost, even if the high is chemical.

One last note: I am definitely for the reinstitution of the term "cloak room."

* Yiddish term for “reading Torah.”
**Yiddish term for the rocking motion made by fervent Jews during prayer.

IS THAT A PHONE IN YOUR POCKET?

2005-01-27T01:43:00.000-05:00

(...or are you just happy to see me?)

Ever wish your personal phone ring was just a wee bit more, ahem, personalized? No need to beg, babies. Jenna Jameson's got your pockets covered:

Porn star Jenna Jameson is now hawking "moan tones." For $2.50 mobile phone users can choose from a variety of moans, and sexual noises all recorded by the blond bombshell.If that's not enough, Jameson will talk dirty to you when your phones rings, in English or Spanish...Jameson's charms are already being downloaded in Argentina, Ecuador, Venezuela, and in a couple of weeks will be available from Mexico to Uruguay.

As oversexualized as American culture already is, to our credit, these ringtones are not available in the US:

U.S. users will have to wait to get Jameson on their phones as no mobile carriers in the United States have expressed any interest in carrying the service.

Aww. Poor American porn addicts...they'll have to look elsewhere for aural sex.

TBS: VERY FUNNY?

2005-01-27T01:16:00.000-05:00

I just caught the end of Sugar and Spice, about a group of high school cheerleaders that robs a bank because one of the members of their squad gets pregnant and needs the money to take care of her baby.

Then, Josie and the Pussycats, starring the inimitable Tara Reid.

I think TBS needs to reconsider their tagline.

PARANOIA

2005-01-26T17:48:00.000-05:00

So, I just saw Osama Bin Laden on the street. He was wearing a snow parka with the hood up, but I could still see his beard.

It was him, I tell you. At the corner of 86th and West End Avenue. For sure, it was him. Either him, or my high school principal.

I suppose there's a slight chance that it could have just been one of the bearded Jews of the Upper West Side.

But just remember: just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone's not out to get you.

TO ERR IS HUMAN...

2005-01-26T13:10:00.000-05:00

...to forgive? $17K.

God bless CNN Offbeat for helping to put a price on forgiveness.

GRATEFUL/PACT WITH THE DEVIL

2005-01-26T10:32:00.000-05:00

Well, voting for the JIB Awards is underway, and I'm very grateful for all your support. JDaters Anonymous is still a dark horse candidate for best culture blog; my writer's ego would love to see it bumped up a few votes in its category so it was facing off against My Urban Kvetch in the eventual finals for some Esther-on-Esther competition (but that's not likely). Right now, I'm just grateful for all the attention. I'm leading in at least one category, and hovering near the top in several others. I'll resist the Sally Field-isms, in favor of a simple "thanks."

I'm so grateful that I even cast a goodwill vote for the ruthless blogger who's accused me of being married to Satan (even though any regular reader knows I'm single as they come). Although I applaud his subtle campaign methods, I think many of my regular readers understand that if I had entered into any kind of pact with the devil, the terms would include a record deal (if William Hung and J. Lo can have one, so can I), movies (if Renee Zellweger can squint on camera for millions, so can I), a book contract (I can share wisdom on how to detect that someone isn't really interested--Lord knows I've had enough experience in this arena) and red carpets (if people can pronounce 'Mariska Hargitay'*, maybe 'Esther Kustanowitz' isn't such a pipe dream)?

In summary: no pact with the devil yet. But I'm open.

May the best blogs win!

(PS: Vote here.)

*Did everyone understand that Mariska's mom was Jayne Mansfield? Yowza. Where have I been?

BLOGGER WOES: IS THE GRASS GREENER ELSEWHERE?

2005-01-25T16:09:00.000-05:00

For various reasons, not the least of which is Blogger's propensity toward freezing and losing the content of my posts, I've decided to give Typepad a whirl.

Continue to look here for posts until further notice, but to come shortly is the new URL of My Urban Kvetch 2005. Color scheme will be similar, to ease the transition for loyal readers.

If anyone has had bad experiences with TypePad, now's the time to speak up, kids.

I'm crossing the fence, and if the grass is greener, I'm staying in the Promised Land.

THE BIBLE AND THE ROCK BIBLE

2005-01-25T15:42:00.000-05:00

USA Today reports that Rolling Stone is going to start carrying ads for The Bible:

"We're frankly thrilled that Rolling Stone has decided to accept our ad," said Paul Caminiti, Zondervan's president of Bible publishing. "We believe that the Bible is relevant for Rolling Stone readers," Caminiti said. "We've always believed they were a cornerstone in our campaign to squarely market to spiritually intrigued 18- to 34-year-old young people, many of whom live outside the embrace of the church."

...and who instead, live in the bloodsoaked embrace of Satan's music. (Sorry. That was an editorial comment.)

Zondervan is a company that specializes in new versions of the Bible that fit modern times: they have produced Strive, a Bible for men, and True Identity, a Bible for women. I cannot wait to see these.

Other media outlets that will carry TNIV advertising include Modern Bride, the satirical weekly The Onion and MTV.com.

This could mean great strides for the Good Book. You already have invocations of the deity at awards shows and Presidential inaugurations; why not in rock-and-roll publications? Aren't today's musicians the modern incarnations of the prophets of yesteryear? If Judaism and hip-hop can go together, then this new version of the Bible (aimed at evangelical Christians) and Rolling Stone (aimed at evangelican music fans) may just be a perfect shidduch (match).

Judas Priest and Black Sabbath could not be reached for comment.

IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME...

2005-01-25T13:26:00.000-05:00

...that since I'm up for Best Humor Blog in the IsraellyCool JIB Awards, maybe a Holocaust post wasn't the best way to go...

Humor and Holocaust, all in one blog?

I contain my own opposites. And I'm okay with that. (Hopefully voters will be as well.) Next post will be of significantly less national importance...

HOLOCAUST REMEMBRANCE

2005-01-25T10:55:00.000-05:00

From kindergarten through high school, I went to yeshiva day schools in northern New Jersey. I can't remember the first time I heard the word Holocaust, but certainly, by sixth grade we were watching movies like Shoah and the TV movie Holocaust and writing papers about Anne Frank, the Warsaw Ghetto, Judenrats and Simon Wiesenthal.

Some of it was absorbed, surely. We knew that there was a "War Against the Jews," but mostly because our textbook was so titled. But did any of us truly understand or internalize what we were learning? Some of us had grandparents or teachers--or even parents--who had survived the war. Maybe close connections with those survivors had enhanced understanding of the Holocaust. But maybe not. Perhaps those war survivors had decided to move on into a better future, and left their testimony of the past behind.

Flash forward several decades to today, where, in addition to England's Prince Harry not being aware that his use of a swastika as part of a costume might offend people, now thirty percent of Canadians cannot identify that the main target of Nazi genocide efforts was the Jews.

The Environics survey commissioned by the Association for Canadian Studies found that when shown a list of groups nearly 30 per cent instead chose Poles, French, British, Russians or couldn't identify any group at all. In addition, only 40 per cent of respondents correctly indicated that more than six million Jews died during the Second World War.

After some discussion of why this is true (including Apprentice-like breakdowns of college educated vs. non-), the article continues to note a positive effort in one Canadian school:

The students will come face to face with a survivor of the concentration camps in the coming weeks. That meeting is an important way to convey the global horrors of genocide and racism to students, said Marc-Michel Parent of a school board in Lachenaie, Que., that arranged a similar meeting for students.

"She touches the students on a personal level," he said of a meeting with a survivor whose experiences kept the students in rapt attention for two hours."They will remember her for her story but after that the teachers are telling the students that is racism and intolerance still exist."

Several years ago, I had the opportunity to write a book*, geared for teenagers, about hidden children—now in their seventies, then in their teens, these people were hidden by their parents in barns, attics and cellars or lodged with Catholic families. Hiding who they were and where they were was the only chance at survival.

The book required personal interviews, so I sought out survivors and sat across from them in their living rooms, surrounded by photos of their children and grandchildren and the trappings of a post-war life of some affluence. We went through my list of questions and they talked into a tape recorder. Although I had read about the Holocaust for many years, I had never asked survivors to tell me their stories before. Although the survivors were strong enough to tell their stories without disintegration and although I could sit there and conduct the interview, there would be after-effects.

When I hear the name Gurs, a French camp, I think not just of the woman who told me about her experiences there, but about her home now, her life now, the dinner she insisted I eat with her and her husband before the interview began. When I am hungry, I remember the woman who yelled at her son when he said he was hungry. She told him he didn’t know what hunger was. When I use the word "survivor," I remember the man who told me that he felt he had no right to call himself a survivor, since he was never in a concentration camp.

History is still history, a collection of place names and dates. But now they are real people, in my mind; real-life players on the stage of history in a way that the books, papers and movies never were. The first-person testimony. That's the thing.

But as the "war generation" ages, it becomes increasingly more elusive for the students of tomorrow. We need to get the survivors’ stories into the classrooms—teachers and principals need to take the initiative to reach out to the speakers bureaus of The Hidden Child Foundation at the ADL, the Museum of Jewish Heritage, the Holocaust Museum in DC, the Shoah Foundation, et al. Students need to see individual faces, relatable people, whose humanity will help them to personalize the context of history.

*Do not feel obligated to buy this book to support me. I get no royalties. But if you know of a teenager who is not connecting to the Holocaust as a historical event, this book is part of a series designed especially with teens in mind, and is worth checking out.

BLOG FROM THE HEART

2005-01-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

You may already know about Getupgrrl, the proprietress of Chez Miscarriage. She's a phenomenal person, undergoing a torturous process in trying to conceive children. She's a humorist and a sensitive soul, and the way she relates her struggle is both funny and heartbreaking.

You may not know about the California Hammonds, in which Greg, pater familias chronicles his life after losing his wife to cancer.

But they're both profiled in this article in the San Francisco Chronicle. Blogs do good, people. They're not just a waste of time. But I'm preachin' to the choir, right?

Why do you blog?

MATHMUSICMAVEN

2005-01-24T10:51:00.000-05:00

If math and music had merged, like this, for me, I might not have had "I was told there'd be no math" tattooed on my forehead.

Mr. Kunz has presented Karaoke Friday as a rapper in a stocking cap with a “bling-bling” protractor and also in a red cape and funny glasses titled as “Math Man.”

Missouri's got all the cool math teachers. In contrast, I had a high school teacher whose last name was "Pane." The homophonic irony was not lost on me--I even wrote a song at some point:
"Slow down, you teach too fast.
Gotta make the torment last.
Slipping down, my GPA,
Failing Pane and learning cosine..."

Plus, I had to wait till I was in my late twenties to discover karaoke, while in Minnesota, teachers are slamming down the old school rap hits.

Which of the rabbis from my high school might I have wanted to see dressed in hip-hop gear? Um, make that a big, fat "none of them."

VOTING IS NOW OPEN

2005-01-24T09:34:00.000-05:00

It may be an honor just to be nominated, but the writer's ego is a fragile thing; do your part to patch mine, by voting for My Urban Kvetch and JDaters Anonymous in the Jewish and Israel Blog Awards.

The first round of polls is open until Sunday "late morning, Israel time."

The details:

You can vote once every 24 hours, so bookmark the site and visit it to make a daily choice.

Most of the categories have been split into two parts because there were so many nominees; the top 6 in each part will head to the finals. This means that if I do well enough in the qualifying rounds, there will be another announcement here next week, urging you to go back and vote for me again in the finals...

As a reminder, I'm nominated in several categories, so make sure to view the whole list before you vote.

Of course, once you get to the IsraellyCool homepage, you may see other names that ring bells--a substantial number of the other nominees are also on my blogroll and in my rolodex. We're all winners, here, really. Vote your conscience; you'll do the right thing.

Plus, if you vote for me, I'll make sure there's a frozen yogurt machine in the cafeteria.

AMBER FREY'S BOOK AND HJNTIY

2005-01-23T23:27:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I caught Amber Frey on Oprah; in promotion of her new book, Witness for the Prosecution, she shared the details of her involvement with the currently death-row-dwelling Scott Peterson. For various reasons, it was a truly appalling display.

Oprah made some interview choices that were alternately cruel and journalistically responsible. She asked Amber if she was in her right mind when she slept with Scott on the first date. She questioned Amber's intuition when she allowed Scott to pick up her daughter from school after she'd known him only a few days. Given what we know about Scott Peterson now, this understandably brought Amber to tears and forced rational audience members to ask ourselves if, faced with "the perfect guy," we would think twice or leap in head-first. Oprah's choice as an interviewer was to be less of a sympathetic ear, and instead user Amber more as an example of what not to do.

Now this article points out how Amber's new book is, in some way, the "evil twin" of He's Just Not That Into You. Although I hadn't thought about this before, it's a valid point. "It's a case study of the misguided thinking of a sector of the female population that quickly abandons common sense in the quest for fantasy romance," the article says. The article suggests a few safety precautions the single mother might have employed to make sure that she and her daughter were getting involved with someone trustworthy:

She might have Googled her new boyfriend whose home she'd never visited nor been invited to. Or she might have listened to her pal, Richard the Fresno cop, who said, ``You know why he calls you `sweetie?' It's because he doesn't want to get your name wrong. He doesn't want to confuse you with all of his other sweeties.''

Not a bad idea, either of them.

But what's the lesson for singles? What's the line between optimism/trust and self-delusion/naivete? How do we dare to open our hearts and trust someone new, when danger lurks behind every devilishly handsome smile? How do we know people are who they say they are? Do we demand references and background checks for our dates? Is Googling them enough? By exercising caution, are we distrusting our potential partners?

In the portions of the Frey/Peterson romance read on Oprah, the warning signs are clearly and glaringly present. Listening to Amber's account of the whirlwind of falling in love with the man who was pronounced murderer by a jury of his peers was like watching a piano falling off a roof and plummet toward an unsuspecting pedestrian who can only look up, and doesn't realize what is happening. You know that even if you yell "look out!" your warning will be too late.

Swept away by the promise of a beautiful, transporting romance, Amber made some bad choices, and never imagined that those choices would be subject to be entered into the court records and criticized by the entire country. Our own romantic choices might not be subject to entry by a court stenographer, but they might not hold up under scrutiny by a jury of our peers, either.

There's a fine line between trusting a stranger with the entirety of your heart and making small revelations that help to build the foundations of a relationship. And I hope that all of us--myself included--are smart enough to draw that line for ourselves in our dating relationships: to recognize the suspicious and potentially dangerous while daring to trust the people who have proven themselves worthy.

JUST A QUESTION

2005-01-23T10:17:00.000-05:00

Is a snow storm "news" per se? I don't get it. It's snowing out, so here's what you need to know:

Wear boots.

Dress warmly.

Grip small children (preferably your own) by their hands when they're outside walking.

Transportation may be slow.

Beyond that, aren't we Northeast-dwellers savvy enough to know what to do when it snows? Or do we actually learn from the people who are interviewed on the radio and TV about the storm?

"It's really hard to walk, there's so much snow."
"The wind is making my face cold."
"This isn't so bad--I'm from Minnesota. This is like duck soup."

My opinion? This storm is not news. The only reason it's all over the news is because no one wants to leave the TV studio to cover any actual news.

IT’S A BLOG BLOG BLOG WEEKEND

2005-01-23T02:26:00.000-05:00

Friday day and night were free of blog-related activity. Then Saturday night, blogs hit my social life big-time. Without the people I've met through blogging, my Saturday night plans would have consisted of whatever Netflix movies I had and/or reruns of Law and Order: SVU. Not bad plans, even for a worst-case scenario. But I did have other plans.

First, dinner cooked deliciously by the lovely Writersblocgal (fellas, you don’t know what you’re missing…); there was wine and a cheese course before the main course, and of course, conversation that was social sustenance as well.

Then, WBG and I headed off to the remotest recesses of the Lower East Side to the hookah-adorned Ruby Lounge, which might have been eponymously-colored, but was, most descriptively, the darkest bar I’ve ever been in. Most of us were there to celebrate the birthday of the adorable C , but a contingent of visiting bloggers also converged upon the bar to create a blog bottleneck at the bar’s narrowest points. The party was also a convenient way for members of the inner and outer blogcircle to unite at a central location to celebrate the reunion of Candied Ginger, a hallmark of which was Candygirl or Ginger candiedginger.net accidentally stomping on my toes (doesn’t sound so bad unless you’ve seen what kinds of shoes these girls prefer). Both grabbed me for plenty of hugs and pumped my ego full of nice compliments, so an obliterated toe was a small price to pay.

Among the other prolific and prominent bloggers in attendance was the famous Fish , bodacious Bostoner PetiteDov, the rockin’ Jessica, Smurfalicious Lisa , the lovely Ari, the most famous copy editor/poker player in NYC, and Yaron, the blogger who keeps threatening to quit, but doesn’t. If WBG was overwhelmed, she didn’t show it.

Later, Crazy Old Dawn Summers showed up with her Elektra-viewing partner F-Train (maybe now they'll invite me to their karaoke meets, even though I don't play poker). Mike was apparently there, but we didn’t get reintroduced. I met Daniella, who was very well-behaved, despite the title of her blog.

God bless Ari for sharing her cab with me at the end of the night, for I was nowhere near home, and extremely tired by the time we left in the 2am range.

But for friends like these, I might have no blogs. Or but for blogs like these, I might have no friends. Not really sure. But it was a good night, and I did it all for the Bloggie.

Tonight was another, non-blog-related story, for another non-blog-related time.

Sleep well, gentle readers.

LAST WEEKEND: THURSDAY NIGHT

2005-01-22T18:40:00.000-05:00

It all started Thursday night, when a spontaneous Anna Broadway and I decided to meet on the Lower East Side for the Sweet comedy show, hosted by Seth Herzog every Thursday night at the SLIPPER ROOM on Orchard and Stanton at 8:30.

Seth’s name sounded familiar. I thought it was just because he is a member of the tribe. But as it turned out, I was actually in a show with him. (This is unusual because I am not often in shows.) Seth--a funny guy who doesn't seem to have a website--and I shared stage time at last year’s Purim show, coordinated by Daily Show writer Rob Kutner, at my Upper West Side synagogue. I guess it’s a small comedy world because present was comedian Jeff Kreisler, who was also in the Purim show with us, and who I now see everywhere. Also, every time I see him, he tells me about his non-Jewish girlfriend.* This time he didn’t; he told me about his non-Jewish fiancée. I assume it’s the same woman. So congrats to Kreisler, who’s now fleeing the area--I mean, appearing at Sundance--in the next few days or so (check his website for details).

Special cameo at the Slipper Room by Peter Dinklage, star of last year's critically acclaimed film The Station Agent, who was seen canoodling with a woman with short dark hair and wearing long dangly earrings.

Later that night, the comedy event dissolved into a Jewish Below 14th Street party, co-sponsored by JDub Records and featuring So-Called.

*I just don’t know why people feel the need to confess such things to me. A Jew eats a cheeseburger? Dates someone who's not Jewish? Sends email on Shabbat? They appear apologetically before me, confessing all. It’s like someone elected me President of the Jews. Which just to clarify, is not an office I am seeking.

LAST WEEKEND: BLOGTIVITIES

2005-01-22T18:17:00.000-05:00

Manhattan. A dark and snowy Saturday night settles over the city. I have plans later, to shoot some billiards in celebration of a friend’s birthday. But I can't start my preparations until I've blogged about last weekend. Although everyone who was there already did their recaps, I feel like I gotta take my shot too. Because last weekend was all about the blog, yo.

Stay tuned for parts 1-3. Because everything is a saga.

FWIW: TV THIS WEEK

2005-01-21T01:14:00.000-05:00

For what it's worth:

I don't think I've fully followed an episode of Alias since the first season. Michael Vartan is indeed very hot, but I would give him up for Greg Grunberg in a flash.

People on the Apprentice should not cry. Magna is a stupid name: it reminds me of Dr. Evil saying the word "magma" over and over again. Net worth is an even dumber name: it is actually two names of one syllable each, and evokes only money, no heart. Every season they have people who look the same. Bill=Kelly=Todd and five different guys on this season. I also loathe the product placement...it's not even remotely subtle anymore. I do like Danny the Guitar Guy, though. He's a bit of a loose cannon, but he's fun. If he'd only learn to listen to other people...but I suppose that's too much to ask for.

It really bothers me that I don't care more about Joey. But I think it's Drea DeMatteo's fault. I just don't enjoy her overacting. (Plus, she shares a face with Portia DiRossi, and that scares me.) Joey Tribbiani we are used to. But his sister is useless. And then there's that other blonde woman, who's also useless. And I think among the other five Friends, Joey was cute. But on his own, he's just a jerk--a sexual predator who thinks only about himself and the next conquest. Not very nice. And not funny at all.

I love Lost. All of the acting is stellar, drama and comedy together, flashbacks informing you that there's no one main character and that everyone has a story...but why are they all good-looking, except the fat guy who they clearly use as comic relief in the tenser moments? That kind of offends me. But as long as they keep hiring Buffy writers, I'm ok with it in moderation. But what is up with that gi-normous polar bear on the tropical island? Will we ever find out?

Scrubs makes me laugh. I love Janitor. And Dr. Cox. And of course, Dr. Dorian. I can never see the jokes coming, which makes me appreciate its random zaniness all the more. (OK, I almost never see the jokes coming--I am good.)

Arrested Development is my new dream. I dream to live it, be on it, write for it, accept awards on its behalf...it's just a great team of actors that anyone would be lucky to work with. I hope they all know how lucky they are. Especially Portia--if it were by face alone, she could be on Joey, floundering, instead of with Ellen, flourishing.

No worries. I still love the host of the Daily Show. But that goes without saying. (And that's mostly because according to the terms of the restraining order, I'm only allowed to mention him by name three times in any calendar year. So I'm saving them up.)

That's all for me right now. An ep of AD and then off to B-E-D.

A wonderful weekend to all...and maybe this weekend, I'll finally get the time to write up a considerate account of last weekend.

UWS 9/11 VICTIM LAID TO REST

2005-01-21T01:13:00.000-05:00

I never officially knew Nancy Morgenstern, although chances are we’d met. We had many mutual friends and ran in similar circles on the Upper West Side--I was friendly with her roommate.

Because I couldn't place name to face to workplace for most of my close friends, let alone for people I didn't know, on 9/11, the name Cantor Fitzgerald didn’t ring any personal bells for me. But in Nancy's Upper West Side apartment, five blocks and two avenues from my own building, there were bells ringing everywhere--as her roommates fielded desperate phonecalls from Nancy’s family.

When I received word that my friend’s roommate was missing, I felt my stomach drop; I still couldn't match a face to the name, but I knew that Nancy was our representative on that terrible day: a woman with a career, an athlete with an active social network, a committed Jewish Upper West Sider on the scene.

And then, like so many others, she was just missing. In absence of an official confirmation of Nancy’s death, her family mourned, but only off-the-record. For more than three years, there was no burial, no shiva.

This week, after a recent “official” identification of her DNA, the family went ahead with the burial in Beit Shemesh, Israel.

This is the Ha’aretz article about the funeral.

And this is the NY Times piece about Nancy.

May Nancy's memory be for a blessing, and may her family finally know peace.

(Hat tip: IsraellyCool)

KABBALEXILED

2005-01-20T15:34:00.000-05:00

Newly exiled from his London post at the Kabbalah Centre after his remarks about Holocaust victims succumbing to Nazi persecution because they lacked the light of Kabbalah in their lives, Rabbi Eliyahu Yardeni has relocated to the Los Angeles Kabbalah Centre. (Because there, insensitive remarks about the Holocaust are apparently better tolerated.)

Speculation is that Madonna, who was reportedly “furious” by the remarks, pulled some red strings to get the good rabbi reassigned, but no sources could confirm it. (Source: Yahoo! Launch)

But we know what this is really about: Harry’s swastika. Two Holocaust-related stories in one week spells bad PR for the monarchy. At least in L.A. if a Prince does something weird, his symbol's likely to be unpronounceable, or he'll just have the word "slave" written on his face.

(Next up across the pond? I heard that Posh and Becks are naming their next kid Adolf.)

NEW COLUMN: "THE ABCs OF SJFs"

2005-01-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

Here's my new column, a review of Leah Furman's Single Jewish Female: A Modern Guide to Sex and Dating

The ABCs of SJFs
The New York Jewish Week
01/21/2005

NOSTALGIA: 1992?

2005-01-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

Hey, remember 1992?

I was living in New Brunswick, New Jersey, just off the campus of Rutgers College, in a house with three guys and three other women. We were all friends, and our two apartments had open door policies--it was like the Real World, without the randomness. A Clinton/Gore sticker was suspended in one of the upper windows of our house. It was the beginning of senior year, we were minutes away from all the coolest bars, and we were the masters of all we surveyed. We hosted a great Halloween party (my first) that impressed friends visiting from Brandeis, carved a pumpkin that looked more confused than scary, and we dissected each other's love lives. Plus there was a Krauszer's convenience store just down the block.

What there weren't? Cell phones. DVRs. DVDs. "The Internet." Email. Nostalgia shows on VH1. Reality TV. MP3 players. And lots of other things that we didn't know we needed till they arrived.

Which is why I got a kick out of this piece in the New Yorker. You know I have my issues with the New Yorker, but I do enjoy Shouts and Murmurs. Wouldn't mind doing a piece for that column someday.

(Hat tip: Norma)

KABBALAH SECRETS REVEALED!!!

2005-01-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

Kabbalah leaders live lives of the rich and famous, complete with millionaire lifestyle, gambling and plastic surgery!!! (I can almost hear the Robin Leach voiceover now...)

Cash raised for tsunami relief is being used to [GASP!] distribute Kabbalah products in the devastated region!!! ("Here, tie your huts together with this red string and find enlightenment...")

Evidence has been found of devotees sleeping in windowless "cells" in a basement at the Kabbalah Centre!!! (That's never a good sign...)

Kabbalah water isn't blessed at all...it's [GASP!!] Canadian!!
(I knew it!!)

(Complete article here.)

NYQUIL DREAMS

2005-01-18T13:53:00.000-05:00

Usually, you like living alone. You like your own space, and knowing that if you put leftover Chinese food in the fridge overnight that it will be there for you to take to work as lunch in the morning.

But when you’re sick, it’s a whole other story. And yesterday was bad. Not tsunami bad. But having-a-fever-and-living-alone kind of bad.

You long for a roommate to check in on you. You call your mother to tell her you’re sick even though she can’t do anything about it except worry and tell you to eat chicken soup. You end up calling your brother to ask him to run errands for you—even though he’s glad to help, you feel like you’re imposing.

You lie in bed, waiting for sleep. You drift in and out of consciousness and are unsure which state you prefer. You try to keep hydrated, but the bottle of water that’s in your bed starts to leak, gurgling softly until you notice the sound more than the fact that there’s a river running through your bed. Your bed needs dry-out time, so you move to the couch for movie-time. Dodgeball makes you laugh a few times, but you’re still uncomfortable.

You make your deadline, even though the column isn’t your most coherent. You try to watch TV from a reclined on your side in your newly-dry bed position, and discover that sideways Will and Grace makes you dizzy. Your brother arrives, toting the chicken soup, Gatorade and regular Coke that you asked for, in addition to a lovely bunch of tulips that you didn’t ask for, but that brightens up your wintry apartment and proves you were a good older sister.

You try vertical again, and the resultant head rush almost knocks you off your unsteady feet. You heat up the soup and eat it while you watch “Shaun of the Dead.” During a bathroom break, you look at yourself in the mirror and see a slack-jawed face, vacant eyes and your staggering walk, and your realize you’re not wholly unzombie-like yourself. You watch “Medium,” and wonder how anyone as normal seeming as Patricia Arquette tolerated the wacky antics of Nicolas Cage, and then you remember that she’s also related to David Arquette, which explains a lot.

You take the Nyquil, knowing that it will put you out of your misery. Your eyes droop, and you can’t even stay up to see Jon Stewart. And then, while you sleep, you float through a cherry red haze, and dream dreams that make no sense at all, like running into your old camp friends in a Target as they’re shopping for clothes to wear to the D.C. wedding of your first crush who’s already married, a rabbi, and working at Yeshiva University. And in the dream-within-a-dream, there are certainly zombies who play dodgeball.

The next day, things are better. Muscle aches still assertively present, but also duller and more tolerable. You begin to get back to normal. You go to work, and start reading the news on the Internet. You discover that certain drug companies are trying to restrict the sale of Nyquil because it can be used in manufacturing methamphetamines. You read more about Prince Harry and the swastika. You get one email letting you know that (yet) another friend had a baby and another email confirming an upcoming gig in Chicago…you wait for the rest of the chicken soup to thaw for lunch, and swallow it with a Tylenol chaser. You begin to set goals—write about Saturday night’s blogger bash, get started on one of your humongous freelance jobs, finish up old business with clients, pay your bills—everything that you were too foggy-headed to do yesterday.

This day is going to be better.

I KNEW HE WAS MY SOULMATE...

2005-01-18T13:49:00.000-05:00

...in the blogworld, anyway...

Your Famous Blogger Twin is Dave Barry

Funny, witty, and clever!You always have a ton of offbeat links to share

Who's" Your Famous Blogger Twin?

IT'S NOT JUST HARRY...

2005-01-18T13:14:00.000-05:00

I've refrained from posting about Harry and the swastika until now, because I felt other people covered it enough. It was just a wrong, stupid choice by a teenager who unfortunately is very high profile because of his royal bloodline. But I'm posting a link to this JTA story because apparently, there's a substantial number of British youth who believe that their Prince's costume choice was perfectly appropriate:

The publication of pictures showing Prince Harry wearing a Nazi uniform at a costume party caused outrage around the world. But it seems that most of his British peers can’t see what all the fuss is about.

In the days following the furor, a poll published by the Sunday Mirror newspaper showed that although 71 percent of those interviewed thought Harry was wrong to wear the costume, which featured a swastika armband, more than half of those between 18 and 24 said the choice of outfit was acceptable.

The results were particularly dispiriting because they followed a recent BBC survey in which 60 percent of those younger than 35 claimed never to have even heard of Auschwitz.

The article notes that it's hard to imagine what's causing this insensitivity since learning about the Holocaust has been required in British schools since 1991. Maybe Miriam will have some insight into this...

UPDATE: Miriam has an interesting post on this here.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH HIM

2005-01-18T11:24:00.000-05:00

Let the madness begin.

The self-proclaimed "world's biggest Star Wars fan" is the first in line to buy a ticket for Episode III in Seattle. He started his vigil on January 1, and will stay out there until the film opens on May 19. He apparently did this for Episode I and II, as well.

And wouldn't you know it, he's also a blogger, although it's not clear to me where he's plugging in to recharge his laptop over the next five months.

You know what's also not clear? Why anyone would do this.

THE GOLDEN GLOBES REPOLISHED

2005-01-16T23:12:00.000-05:00

As promised, here are my random thoughts and observations on this year's Golden Globe Awards...

Odd. Tim Robbins seems to think that the Jude/Clive/Julia/Natalie pic is pronounced “clozer.”
Natalie wins! Banner year for Israel, what with the Olympic gold medal in windsurfing and now Princess Natalie's trophy. Why am I getting all misty?
I think Jennifer Garner’s lips are coming off. Either that, or she’s developing a stress zit in the corner of her mouth for not winning Best Actress in a TV Drama. Is it wrong that I’m happy? I just resent that those Alias posters are everywhere. Everywhere I go, Sydney Bristow is looking at me. It's unnerving.
“Congratulations, Natalie.” You can hear her mock-growl, just to get a laugh. And that’s why Meryl Streep rules.
Downer…Zach Braff snubbed for Scrubs. Upper…It’s finally Jason Bateman’s move! If you have not yet seen Arrested Development, get thee to the video store, post-haste!

And now, celebrity thought bubbles:
“I’m an Oscar-winner. But I want more awards. That’s why I changed my haircolor. I’m a brunette now, and that shows my range.”
Your choices:
a) Renee Zellweger
b) Charlize Theron
c) Candace

I can’t believe I have to wait till late summer for a new season of Nip/Tuck. That Nip/Sucks.
Teri Hatcher was not my Housewife of choice. I think that Felicity Huffman is, far and away, the best of the five.
My award for Least Orange Desperate Housewife goes to Kimberbree Marcia Cross. Runner-up: Felicity Huffman.
Mick Jagger wins the Golden Globes. And for a change, they’re not on his date. The name of the song: “Old Habits Die Hard.” And Mick oughta know. What is he, seventy by now?
Prince introduces “Ray.” Naomi Watts wasn’t miked, but her lips just clearly mouthed “I love Prince.”
I’m having a weird thought as I watch Clint Eastwood accept his award for “Million Dollar Baby.” His bone structure reminds me of someone. And then it comes to me. Christopher Reeve. If Christopher Reeve had lived to age gracefully, he might have resembled the tall, angular Eastwood.
Jamie on Ray: Life is notes right underneath our fingers. Take the time to play the right notes. And then, tears as he recalls the support of his late grandmother, and feels her there with him. Damn the pathos of it all—I guess I need to see this movie already.
I love Robin Williams. The man is crazy. But in an endearing way. I always thought he was brilliant in even the critically panned Hook and Popeye, and was glad that he was recognized for both dramatic and comedic acting. His dedication of his own lifetime achievement to Christopher Reeve made the tears well.
I’m sure that, when he accepted his award for Best Actor, Leo meant that we should keep contributing to tsunami disaster relief. Big props for sentiment. But minus two points for not finishing the sentence.
Kate Hudson lost every one of those seventy pounds she gained during pregnancy.
I love that Morgan Freeman has an earring. Cool. Easy Reader...that's his name.
Hilary Swank, Jennifer Garner, and Julia Roberts all share a face. But not an award. That’s all Hilary tonight. And this time she even remembered to thank her husband.
Sideways for Best Picture Musical or Comedy, The Aviator for Picture Drama. I’m anticipating a tough Oscar race. No one picture even came close to a sweep—tonight, Closer won two awards, two for the Aviator, two for Million Dollar Baby. It's gonna be a squeaker.

See you all in February for the Oscars, when I'll have replenished my store of sarcasm and celebrity resentment. Till then, peace y'all. Happy MLK Day. (Not to be confused with MUK Day, the official day celebrating this blog.)

And now, back to my deadline...

COINCIDENCE?

2005-01-16T20:19:00.000-05:00

I’m not saying that Jeremy Piven would have won if he had taken me to the Golden Globes. But you'll note that I wasn’t his date, and he lost. I'm just sayin'.

GOLDEN GLOBES OF ENDLESS TORTURE

2005-01-16T19:55:00.001-05:00

Why do I do this? Why do I watch the preshow for the Golden Globes? It's not for the fashion. I could care less about how Eva Longoria had to hire a trainer to get her in shape for her Desperate Housewives lingerie scenes. And it's certainly not for the self-congratulatory vamping of camera hogs like Kevin Spacey and Kathy Griffin or that Star Jones is "girlfriends" with Debra Messing and Jennifer Garner. (It might be in order to calculate the depth of the dimple in Orlando Bloom's cheek. But I'm not revealing anything here.)

I guess the real reason I watch is so that when it ends, I know the real show of Endless Torture will be starting. I had thought that I would liveblog it, but I've got a deadline for something that's actually resulting in a paycheck. Instead of the liveblog, look here at the end of the night for my collected thoughts on the Golden Globes, in no particular order. Snark may be in attendance.

YOU'RE INVITED

2005-01-14T11:50:00.000-05:00

If you haven't been to JDaters Anonymous in a while, come on over! We've got great dating related posts, like:

...and more! At JDaters Anonymous, you can share your dating stories, inspire a column, and know you aren't alone...

Looking forward to seeing you there...

PEOPLE ARE INSANE

2005-01-14T10:37:00.000-05:00

Oh, those wacky Romanians. First Dracula, then gymnasts, now naming their son Yahoo after meeting online.

At least it's his middle name. His first name is Lucian, and his last name is Dragoman, which I anticipate will become "Lucifer Dragon-Man" before recess on the first day of Transylvanian kindergarten.

I make a solemn vow to you, devoted readers:

I am not naming my kid JDate, no matter what.